Timeless Flirting Tactic

I’ve read a lot of tactics about flirting/picking up girls. I’ve added to the discussion a little bit and hopefully I ended up giving someone some advice/skill that gave them the power to bang that fading high school hottie who’s trapped in a slut spiral.

But when the chips are down, there’s only one tactic you can rely on. It’s kind of like drunk boxing. I mean, you can learn the ins and outs of boxing with all the speed, agility, power, and technique that go into being a great fighter. But drunk boxing is different. You have to stick to the basics because all of the sophisticated tactics you learned from training hours over hours in the gym have fallen victim to your sluggishness. That might be a bad example. Whatever, let’s move on.

Which is why, when the game is on the line (the close) and there’s 1000 different ideas running through your head about what move you should do next or say, you should forget them all and rely on what made you who you are: your hormones. At least that’s what I do. I think the number of possible situations I find myself in is large enough where there’s never time to weigh my options. Instincts are all I really have, and improving those is just so amazingly difficult.

I’m convinced more than ever that “learning game” is more about forgetting the things society taught you than it is learning anything new. The so called “naturals” of picking up girls just never bother to learn what they are ‘supposed’ to learn about respecting women and their boundaries. They just take what they believe is rightfully theirs in every step of their lives: anything and everything they want. In the same breath, it’s worth pointing out that the naturals don’t go overboard with the disrespect either in the way that the players on the big screen make it happen.

This shows the larger idea of how learning the wrong thing, or learning a lie, is so much more damaging than learning nothing. And speak of the devil, I have go follow my instincts right now. I’m just trying to accomplish a foolish goal of having a blog post every day for a week, diluting this blog in the process.

Paranoia

In life, I naturally assume that everyone and their brother is out to get me because they are. Everyone wants to swindle me, bang my chick, steal my possessions, use my lines, bite my style, or get me to buy them something. Fucking assholes are the exact reason I don’t need some smart ass DC Hero Jr sitting at my dinner table whining that he has to eat regular cheese pizza instead of extra cheese pizza. Side note: what the fuck is extra cheese pizza all about anyway? I saw some bullshit ad for a 6 cheese pizza. Cheese pizza is only for little kids and poor people who can’t afford toppings. Gourmet cheese pizza, give me a fucking break.

Anyway, I’ve drawn a handy diagram of all the people out to get me. You can see the two Black guys who are about to jump me and steal my wallet. You can also see the one sneaky Asian guy who’s setting me up for a good old Asian pyramid scheme, but you can’t see the 200 Asians working behind the scenes on the pyramid scheme. You can also see two short Mexican twins who are out to get me. I’m not sure exactly what they’re up to, but I’m sure it involves drugs.

What you can’t see is the hundreds of White people I drew who are out to get me because they blend in with the background color of this website. You might think that’s a larger sociological metaphor for White criminals going relatively unnoticed because they blend in with the background of society. But you’d be wrong. I just like white backgrounds.

Anyway, I think it’s a pretty good idea to be abnormally paranoid in life. It’s the only way to see the clever assholes who really are out to get you. Otherwise, you’ll be a victim of your own optimism. Think you can go through life living carefree and happy? Think again. You might as well just pull your jeans down and hold up a bottle of K-Y because you’re just asking to get fucked. The way to do it is to be skeptical of everyone you meet because you know, deep down, they’re just aiming to screw you over when they get a chance. And then when you get to the finish line in life, and we all know there’s a finish line, you’ll know that you won.

I Am Selfish

Sometimes when I find myself debating about what to do instead of just acting on impulse, I find it strangely calming to say: “I am selfish” before making the decision. I’m not saying that this is the best way to deal with life, but it’s a way I deal with life pretty regularly. If I don’t put my own interests head and shoulders above the interests of others when making decisions, I find that life is too stressful because there are too many variables to consider.

Does this make me a self-centered, immature, and unreasonable? Maybe. There are certainly more than a few people who I’ve crossed paths with who would agree with that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I figure it is what it is, and acting any other way would be fake and dishonorable.

The older I get, I’m being drawn towards the idea that people are what they are in this world. Above all else, we want what we want, and there’s very little any of us can do to alter those desires. Those desires inspire us build the personas and lifestyles that drive us all.

So maybe fat people just want to eat cheeseburgers. Maybe hipsters just want to prove they’re right and everyone else is wrong. Maybe Will just wants Asians. Maybe drug addicts just want more and more drugs…

It seems to me that so much of the “Quarter Life Crisis” is based on the idea that someone who is in their 20s might not know what they want because they haven’t experienced it yet. Like there’s some grand desire out there that they will want once they experience it for the first time.

So traveling the world, trying new lifestyles, etc., etc., is all about finding these new desires. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is an immense value to doing all of these quarter life crisis activities. But it seems to me that the point of them is to clarify an inner desire, not to uncover desires that were previously unknown.

Dammit, you know what this sounds like? This sounds like the stuff people with no real problems think about. My mind is being taken over by the ideas I always looked down on, I guess that’s what growing up is all about.

Evolutionary Realities

Every human being living on Earth today is descended from a man who lived in Africa about 60,000 years ago. This was the 2002 conclusion of geneticist, anthropologist, and Washington D.C. resident Spencer Wells. Maybe you already knew about this, but I didn’t until I read about it.

This effectively means that your ancestors left Africa after this time, and replaced ruthlessly murdered all other homo sapiens on the planet.

This might cause you to ask questions like: Are we more genetically alike than other species? Does this account for our especially violent behavior? How related am I to the person I’m sleeping with? Does this mean sleeping with my second cousin isn’t so bad after all?

But wait: You think 1,000,000 years of evolution separate you from the race of people you hate the most? Think again. So the biggest question of all is, undoubtedly: How can I maintain my current levels of racial hatred given this new reality?

Don’t worry, friends, the DC Hero is here for you. You can still be as racist as you ever were before, but you have to make sure you pick the racial group that is most genetically different from you to ensure you have a solid, scientific reason for your racism to propel your hatred farther than it’s ever been before. Below is a world map of the different Y Haplogroups of the world, which we can assume signify absolute genetic differences.

Let me illustrate with an example. You can see that the Whitest people (with the most Red, members of the R1b haplogroup) are from Scotland. If you hate White people, make sure you direct most of your hatred towards the Scots. You can also see the Blackest people (ExE3b) are from Burkina Faso, direct the bulk of your Black hatred towards them.

To sum up the other major races: the Yellowest people are from Malaysia, the most Arab people are from Northern Saudi Arabia, everybody in the middle of Eurasia are more or less mutts, and all Native Americans are exact replicas of each other. I knew that last one already.

As a Mideast Arab, I can now confidently direct my scientifically proven hatred towards most Asian groups since I share no Y Haplogroups with them. This fits in with my original plan. Sweet.

Hitting on Girls in Front of their Boyfriends

Sometimes in life, I get bored. Sometimes I take a look around a bar and let out one of those boredom sighs while I look at my drink and figure out how I can possibly entertain myself for a few minutes while I’m waiting for someone or while I’m finishing my drink and trying to figure out where I can go to next.

It’s times like these that I issue myself Personal Honor Challenges (PHCs). It’s best to have a wingman egging you on to do things you’d issue PHCs for, but this isn’t always an option. This tactic is eerily similar to the DC Hero Drinking Game where you get 1 point for telling someone else to drink and you get 2 points for telling yourself to drink. Pulling off a combo is a 3-pointer. And of course, the points don’t mean anything because like everyone who’s over the age of 15 should know, it doesn’t matter who wins drinking games.

Anyway, hitting on a girl in front of her boyfriend is a fantastic PHC. But there’s a few things you need to keep in mind when you do this:

1. Make sure you can kick the guy’s ass if he tries to fight you
2. Wait until he leaves her side to make your approach, you want him to “catch you in the act” to get the most excitement out of this situation
3. Pick a girl who you’d classify as a “no-doubter” (there’s no doubt you could pick her up if she was single)
4. The drunker she is the better
5. Try to isolate her from her friends who will try to save her
6. No matter what happens, stay until they walk away from you or until 10 minutes elapse, whichever happens first. At that point let out a satisfied smile and move on. You’re not trying to actually pick her up, you’re trying to entertain yourself.

Another great PHC is using “the mumble” as a pickup line. In this challenge, the idea is to prove that opening lines don’t mean anything by mumbling a stumble of incomprehensible nonsense to a girl, followed by an attentive pause. If she asks you “What?” like 88% of females I surveyed, give her an expression that can best be described as ‘expecting an answer.’ This will really make her think. In fact, ‘Making Her Think’ is an unstoppable and timeless flirting tactic that requires space of it’s own. That’s next in my queue.

The World is My Living Room

Acting uninhibited in public is probably my all-time favorite activity. It basically epitomizes my ‘I do what I want’ philosophy on life. Caring what other people think is a by-product of passive aggressive behavior that should be reserved for bitches only. I’m pretty sure most people don’t get to this point until they’re 80 years old and too old to care, but with some calculated steps you can speed up this process. Here’s a list of activities that can make the world feel like your living room:

1. Swear in public, especially in front of little children
2. Swear at work, loudly
3. Make fun of teenagers on the Metro
4. Pick flowers from public places and give them to pretty girls who wander into your part of your living room
5. “I just say whatever I want to whoever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want, however I want” – Eminem

I think this is best illustrated with a story.

My greatest night at a casino ever came a couple years ago at the fabulous Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. This night managed to beat out my previous ‘best casino night’, which ended when I took down a $1200 pot when I rivered a straight flush against a Chinese guy who had been calling me kid all night. He had the ace high flush.

Anyway, it was close to 4:00 in the morning. I was at the Palms, definitively annihilated after drinking an untold number of JD shot/Bud Light combos (tipping 50 cent chips each time). I was playing some version of pot-limit Hold Em, and it got to the point where I was openly mocking anyone who lost to me by saying “I mean, look at me, look at me!” and laughing hysterically when I took down pots.

Needless to say, I had exactly 0 friends at the table and I couldn’t have cared any less. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was dying to beat me. I managed to notice this even though I was reasonably occupied making fun of this fat guy I nicknamed ‘JoJo’ sitting across from me. I thought the pit boss let me stay at the table because everyone wanted me to stay there and lose so badly. This was confirmed to me when the drinks started coming 3 or 4 times faster then they had been.

My night of poker ended when I was telling a flurry of racist and sexist jokes in the middle of a huge hand I was in. I ended up pulling out a full house and I subsequently took it down. I laughed so hard when I raked the chips in that I fell out of my chair. The pit boss informed me that I was no longer welcome at the poker table, and I cashed out my chips. After loudly counting my winnings, I was escorted from the premises to a round of applause from the other poker players and was told I was banned for life from the Palms Casino Resort.

I went to the casino next door, put every dollar of winnings on my lucky number (24) in Roulette, and lost. I took a cab back to the hotel, recounted my story to my friends, and went to sleep with a huge smile on my face. I haven’t played poker since.

The moral of the story: you don’t ever want to be JoJo.

End of Nerd Week: Nerd Girls

I know, I know, you wanted Dating Nerds 3.0: Making Him a Real Man. And maybe someday it will come out, who knows. But I’ve had enough of nerds for awhile. I mean, I had to enter the world of nerds to give the kind of quality scientific insight the public has come to expect here on DC Hero. I’m going to have to shake off this character acting before it sucks me in. This must be what Val Kilmer felt like after he filmed The Doors.

Anyway, I just wanted to touch on nerd chicks a little bit if you catch my double entendre. They’re quiet, complicated, and can be shockingly beautiful. This isn’t usually the case, but dammit, it is here. Anyway, let’s get away from the adjectives and into the nouns while we look into a case study of nerd hotness: Rachel Leigh Cook in the 2nd greatest movie of all time: She’s All That (1st is obviously Commando).
This movie was a remake of George Bernard Shaw’s ‘Pygmalion’, but it ends differently. The plot is thoughtfully subtle and complex, but really, really awesome. Freddie Prinze Jr. is the BMOC (I put in the link only so you can read the 3rd definition) in his Senior year at a California high school. He pretty much owns life, and the biggest decision he has to make is finding out how to tell his dad he doesn’t want to go to Dartmouth because the girls there are ugly and it’s too cold. His girlfriend leaves him for a reality TV reject (1999, waaaay ahead of it’s time here) and he makes a bet with his buddy Dean that he can get any girl to be the prom queen. Dean then makes the most inexplicable move in movie history by picking diamond-in-the-rough hottie Rachel Leigh Cook as Freddie’s target.

Even though Freddie knows it’s on as soon as he checks her out to confirm her hotness, he plays it up like he can’t do it when he’s talking to Dean. Dean is a total douchebag and buys it. Then, because he’s such a self-hating loser, Dean narcs on Freddie about the bet and takes Rachel to the prom (but she almost didn’t go, this was high drama).

When she dresses up for the prom, she now becomes hot to even the most stoned high schoolers in the audience (I wasn’t fooled, I knew she was hot the whole time). Dean thinks this is a sign that she’s dressing up to take his virginity, but he is mistaken. He apparently gets a rape alarm set off in his ear (why didn’t they show this) and meets up with Freddie, who probably impregnates her 3 or 4 times with fraternal triplets or quadruplets.

Bottom line messages from this movie:

1. Hot nerd chicks are the Holy Grail
2. Girls like Taylor Vaughn totally lose against nerd chicks
3. Usher is the greatest Prom DJ of all time

Put these glasses on sweetheart, trust me.

Calling An Audible

In football, the quaterback calls an audible when the defense presents an unexpected challenge and he needs to readjust his team’s strategy based on the new information he has. In HeroTalk (and urban dictionary, of course), ‘Calling An Audible’ is defined as coming up with a new plan (in mere seconds) when the original plan goes awry. You can be by yourself when you call an audible, you don’t have to be with a team per se. Since you alone constitute a team, you can call audibles for yourself. However, even if you’re by yourself you have to call the audible out loud because, for God’s sake, it’s an ‘audible’.  There are a few different ways the original plan can go awry (be too fucked up to remain as the plan). For fun, I’ll make a list:

1. When a significant part of the team doesn’t want to execute the original plan anymore. When I say ‘significant part’ I don’t mean ‘large percentage’, since there’s only a few key members of a group who’s opinions matter anyway. Followers opinions never count. And, of course, if you’re the only one who doesn’t like the original plan, this situation applies. You, by yourself, are a significant part of the team. These are 90% of audible situations.
2. When the team arrives at the location the plan was supposed to take place, the plan can no longer take place for logistical reasons. Good examples of this are if the place is closed or the place doesn’t actually exist. Big time dissapointment. The old plan is dead, and a new plan needs to be audibled.
3. When circumstances present themselves that make the plan impossible without urgent and remarkable effort, often under excruciating circumstances, but the plan is still viable.

In all of these cases, it’s time to step up and call an audible. I always make this clear when I do it by prefacing my audible with “I’m calling an audible…” to let the team know that the plan is changing. The key to calling a good audible is pretty simple: your team needs to be really excited about the audible being called. Leadership is paramount.

Calling an audible is my 3rd favorite life activity after 1. Reading racist jokes on the internet and 2. Asian sex. As such, I’d highly recommend it. I called an audible the other day when I was driving to work. It was 71° in the middle of February, and I didn’t want to go to work. I called an audible, picked somebody up, and drove into the Shenandoahs instead for a day in the mountains.

This act is closely related to the basic life principle of never getting trapped into doing something you don’t want to do, no matter how long you’ve planned for it or how many people are doing it. Some people would say avoiding a task like that at the last minute and “calling an audible” is immature and childish. Those people would be right. But fuck them, they won’t be ready for the other 10% of audible situations.

The Comfort Zone

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

– Albert Einstein

The greatest mistake you can make is not making any. Stop being such a pussy.

– DC Hero

I swear it’s like every day I hear about somebody who is afraid to go out on a limb and make a mistake. It’s this ‘What-if’ game people play to talk themselves out of doing things. “What if I get fired?”, “What if I move there and I don’t make any friends?”, “What if I break up with him and I don’t find someone as good as him?”, “What if these warts never go away?”. It’s a scientific fact that 90% of all fears are fears of failure. It’s ridiculous, it needs to stop already, and it’s ruining this country.

I’ve come up with this logic: being afraid of failure will put you in the Comfort Zone. The Comfort Zone is defined as an eternal state of pussification that is categorized by a continuous cycle of anxiousness, false-security, and self-doubt. The Comfort Zone is most readily observed in guys in long term relationships under the age of 25 who run to their girlfriends to make things better the same way a 3 year old runs to mommy to make things better. I know this because I’ve been there.

You might be thinking: ‘Yo, whatever dude. I like the comfort zone. Take this shit somewhere else’. But friend, what will happen when your comfort zone collapses? When you lose your job? When you get dumped? When someone close to you passes away? When the Patriots lose the Super Bowl? Notice I didn’t play the ‘what-if’ game here. These things will happen, and the Comfort Zone is the worst way to prepare for any of them.

I saw this article today talking about an unexplained 20% rise in suicides for middle aged people (age 45-54). I have a feeling that a sudden fear of the Comfort Zone is related to a mid-life crisis. I have a related feeling that since people are becoming more entrenched in the Comfort Zone, they are increasingly seeing suicide as the only solution to this mid-life crisis.

If this is true, we need to stand up and do something about this. I see failing miserably as the only cure for being in the Comfort Zone. Overcoming fear of failure by failing. I like it. Since most people won’t fail if given the choice, we’ll have to take the choice away from them and impose failure on them instead. I propose that March 1st becomes National Fail Day. Everyone should take their time to set up a close friend or confidant for failure on this day. This is similar to April Fool’s Day (the best holiday ever), but on a larger scale. A good example of a National Fail Day prank would be to have someone who the target doesn’t know call the target and “fire” them due to knowledge that you would know that would get them fired. Make sure the person who is calling identifies themselves as a lawyer or somebody from “corporate headquarters” because their boss did not want to make the call given the circumstances.

Other examples of National Fail Day pranks include fake breakups and any other fake but emotional news. Remember, it can be negative OR positive news. Just remember to reveal it’s fakeness at the optimal time. I can’t wait for this fantastic new holiday.

Growing My Hair Out: A Scientific Study, Part II

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For some reason, the post on growing my hair out receives roughly half of all traffic this website gets. I take this to mean that there are shockingly few resources available for the gentleman who wants to make the transition from his current military look into a longer style. If you are considering doing this, and you’ve never had hair longer than 1/4″ like I did, you might be curious about how you’re supposed to do this. Have no fear, the DC Hero is here for you.

Since I actually did this, and experienced a reasonable level of success, I can give you the following advice if you plan on trying this and you have no experience with hair. If you have hair, you might find this amusing, but I knew almost none of these things:

• Keep the sides trim. This is extremely important because that weird hair on the edges of your hairline will grow just like the hair on the top of your head that you’re really trying to grow. You want to avoid the “growing out phase” for your hair as much as possible.
• Get an impartial female hair consultant (IFHC). This is also very important. You have to find a girl who can guide your hair growing who you are sure has no interest in you and who will still have no interest in you as your hair gets longer and your sexiness increases exponentially. A relative is a good choice.
• Don’t be afraid of hair products. I used to buy my shampoo at the dollar store because it just didn’t matter. One time, I washed my hair with soap for 2 months straight. If you have hair longer than 1.5 inches, you want to consider all of the shampoos, conditioners, and gels available to you for you to look your best. Ask your IFHC what works best for you. Personally, I use a brand of “radiant brunette” shampoo and conditioner because it so perfectly describes my hair and it’s brilliance.
• Grow it until it starts to look definitively bad. Don’t stop growing it until you’re sure it looks it’s best. You can always cut it off at a moments notice, but you can’t grow it in a moments notice. You may have to run through stop signs from your IFHC to find your limit.
• Go to Target and get some hair clippers. They’re $15-$20 and they will come in handy.

If you need inspiration on why you should abandon your 1950’s hairstyle and you’re afraid to do it, you have to accept the fact that you’re a pussy and do it anyway. Here are some reasons why (in no particular order):

1. Girls love it.
2. Girls will run their fingers through your hair instead of rubbing your head for good luck.
3. It will make you look taller (God knows I need that)
4. You will have a wider variety of available head-looks to match any theme gala that may present itself
5. It will draw attention away from your other facial imperfections (God knows I need that)
6. It is a conversation starter you will always have with you
7. It makes you look older/younger. The duality here is a scientific phenomenon.
8. Constant mohawk opportunity
9. Almost every big Hollywood actor has long hair. They must know what’s up.
10. You may start drawing the coveted “He looks like (Johnny Depp/Russell Crowe/Superman)” comments that give you instant bangability credentials.
11. It hides your embarrassing receding hairline.
12. You will learn enough about hair to be able to discuss it with girls while you’re hitting on them. Girls generally like talking about their hair and the hair of others in eye-shot of the conversation location.

This might get tough this summer when it gets really hot, and I’ll have to re-evaluate at that point. But until then, it’s a solid idea. At least it gives you some kind of achievable short term goal.