A few years ago, there was a Miller Lite ad campaign that suggested a diverse group of men could sit around a table and set forth edicts that should be adopted by all heterosexual men. I’m sure you all remember this, as it was the most noteworthy beer advertising campaign since the one where the guy competes in Winter Olympic events from his recliner. However, the making of these rules are fundamentally flawed. Men are certainly driven by rules, but rarely are they the rules of others. Men have their own rules.
Every man who is worth anything has a set of rules for himself that he will never break. These rules define his personal honor, and breaking one of these rules is the exact equivalent of a lie to himself. In the logical mind of Man, a lie to self creates a cloud of disgust that directly leads to a loss of self-respect. What I think is very interesting is how different men have different rules for themselves. Some men have a rule against crying and others have a rule against wagering against a sports team they follow. Some men have a rule against hitting women and other men have a rule against ever lying to their son. The rules of a particular man define that man, and once you figure these out, you understand that man nearly completely. If a man tells you he doesn’t have any of these rules, throw tough questions at him until you offend him and his rules will be revealed.
I have to stop and think about it before I can mentally solidify my rules. One of them seems pretty trivial, but I think it says a lot about myself. When I bring a girl back to my House of Lies for the first time and I dim the lights, I take special care to choose the first song to play in the background. I’ve thought about what this song should be since the moment I felt myself becoming interested in her. Ideally, I can come up with a song that dictates what I think about a girl and what kind of relationship I want from her. Nothing says “don’t even think about cuddling with me” quite like ‘Slim Thug – Diamonds‘. On the other side, nothing breaks sustained periods of sexual tension into a passionate relationship quite like ‘Foo Fighters – Tired of You‘. For a fling, ‘Eminem – Cum On Everybody‘ is tried and true.
To get back to the general Rules for a second, I’d say the most common rule across all men is the one where “you don’t say ‘I love you’ to a girl if you don’t mean it”. I’m not sure why that one is so popular, women say it all the time and don’t mean it. They even have the best way of saying they lied about it: “well, I meant it when I said it but I don’t love you anymore”. Women are great liars, I have so much to learn from them.