Declaration of Energy Independence

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that the currently proposed “Energy Revolution” is a modern day version of the original American Revolution. The similarities are striking. In both cases, Americans willingly sent money overseas to Kings/Tyrants/Dictators until the monetary amounts increased enough to push Americans past their breaking point. This doesn’t speak something about Americans as much as it does about general human nature.

Individuals and groups comprised of individuals (redundancy alert) will take a surprising amount of shit before they are motivated to take action. I’m convinced that the Alpha-ness of the individual (or group) is inversely proportional to the amount of shit they take before they kick their attackers in the balls. Unfortunately, the modern world doesn’t allow us to be the alpha dogs we should be where we go around kicking countries in the balls if they fuck with us. This is because we’re foolishly dependent on countries we should be kicking in the balls like a kid who gets his allowance from a stepfather who won’t pay him unless he calls him ‘dad’. This charade has gone on long enough.

It’s time we start laundering 10’s at McDonalds from that kid to prints them down the street so we can start kicking our stepfather in the balls when he says “don’t call me Bill, call me Dad”. Of course it’s not like we’re the only ones scheming here. You might have missed it because of it’s unforgivable under-coverage, but the Saudi’s left OPEC last week. That certainly helps things, but we have a little ways to go before we can tell Israel “good luck with the Middle East, hope it works out for you”. Honestly, our Beta support of Israel is the most embarrassing thing about America. There’s probably some reason they have us by the balls outside of their ability to strike Arab oil-states with nuclear weapons. Because otherwise, supporting them through thick and thin makes us look like their little bitch.

Ugh, I know a lot of readers who make it to this point will be pissed because they think this is boring. But politics and picking up women are so strikingly similar to each other. The lies, the great first impressions, the ability to tell people exactly what they want to hear… and now that HD is taking hold and we’re getting good-looking politicians involved, it’s getting more exciting than ever. Or maybe it’s just this whole DC-bubble thing.

In any case, I’m going on a backpacking trip for a few weeks to see what kind of a bubble I’m really in. I’ve gotten some verbal/e-mail agreements from some readers to provide some guest posts in my absence, but I welcome all submissions (helpmehero@gmail.com). There are no real guidelines, but I suggest you write something on a topic that people usually disagree on and argue your point of view while you point out the retardedness of people with the opposite view.

Going Green? Are You Serious?

If you live in the U.S., you may have noticed one of the bigger fads going around lately that I directly attribute to the “we deserved 9/11” nonsense being propagated by the feminine men in this country. It’s something like “Save the environment! Go green! Healthy! Endangered Animals! Hybrids!”. What a bunch of bullshit. I could go off on any number of these hippie topics, but I don’t have the time. Instead, let’s explore one that pisses me off the most: Conserving oil.

I mean, why should we conserve oil? Last I checked, oil is an nonrenewable natural resource, which means it will run out at some point. This will most likely happen between 2036 and 2050. We can’t change this. This leaves us with only one relevant question:

1. Do we want the oil to run out as quickly as possible, or as slowly as possible?

If mathematics has taught me anything, it’s taught me that looking at the extreme cases will provide you with an incredible amount of insight about a problem. This problem is no different. Let’s look at the two scenarios:

Oil runs out as slowly as possible

Let’s say American conservation efforts are successful at prolonging the lifespan of oil. Which countries does this help the most? Undoubtedly it’s developing countries that need this oil to modernize their countries and make their economies globally competitive. China is doing everything they can, including making deals with literally any corrupt/murderous oil rich country, in a desperate search for oil to fuel this desire. Remember, for every drop of oil you don’t use, China will use. This is so obvious to me that it needs to be repeated. But I never repeat myself, I’ll just underline it. Sweet ass.

If oil lasts longer, cost pressures on oil sold in the global market will be minimized. This will allow the Chinese to grow into a world superpower, maybe THE world superpower, in the most uninhibited way possible. As everyone who doesn’t already know will see during the Olympic Games this summer, this isn’t a good thing.

Oil runs out as quickly as possible

Pussies in this country might have you believe that using an excess amount of gasoline or home heating fuel is bad for your country. After all, this will bring up prices (unless they’re fixed somehow) and will reduce the total amount of oil left on the planet, which can only be bad. Didn’t you get the memo? We have to conserve everything natural!!!

But they are wrong. If we use as much oil as possible, we reduce the global oil supply. Would this cause a global recession? Maybe. But isn’t that almost inevitable? And the U.S. would be much better equipped to handle oil running out before it was projected to than other countries would be. Well, at least better equipped than China would be. They’d be fucked. Remember, somebody is going to use the oil and it might as well be us.

I think it would be in our best interest if oil ran out when we were at our strongest. Keeping oil around allows developing nations to get stronger, so we would like the oil to run out as quickly as possible. And don’t even hit me with that “it’s better for the world as a whole” nonsense either.

And what would we do when there was no oil left, you say? Necessity is the mother of invention. And under those circumstances, if you don’t think a Manhattan Project for the energy crisis could be completed by the world’s greatest minds, you’re kidding yourself.

Side note, if you want to know why the U.S. is more dependent on foreign oil than ever, look at the following graph. Domestic oil production peaked in 1970 and has been falling ever since:

Hm, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe I gave China a little too much credit. Maybe they’re just another fatally flawed superpower-wannabe. On the other hand, I’d rather not risk China taking over. Especially since Thai, Korean, and Vietnamese girls are hotter than Chinese girls. In any case, conserving oil is at best delaying the inevitable. Let’s just use it all and get to the point already.