My To-Do List

My List:

1. (name omitted)
2. Party in Mediterranean Europe

When I was in High School I came up with a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I was 30. By the time I was 24, I had accomplished all of those things outside of banging (different name omitted). I equate accomplishing everything I want to accomplish with having everything in the World because, if you think about it logically, there’s no difference in satisfaction between the two, there’s only a difference in effort. After I accomplished all of those things, I came up with the new list that you see above. If you’re wondering why #1 is even on there because you think it’s beta, then you’re probably not a man because every man should have 1 girl’s name at the top of his to-do list regardless of the quality or quantity of the ass he’s currently receiving. It keeps you focused.

Anyway, I started on #2 the other day when I told my boss I’d be going on an extended vacation of unknown length starting in September. Since my job offers time off of up to 3 months while still retaining benefits, it’s going to be anywhere from 1 to 3 months, but I’m leaning towards 1 month because I think I’ll be bored if I stay any longer than that. I went to Europe with a female companion (seemed like a great idea, ended up being a BIG mistake) for 3 weeks a few years ago and that was more than enough time. Incidentally, I hate that bitch. Unless you’re reading this and in that case… well, let’s just move on.

I’m going to start in Istanbul, which is supposed to be a pretty fun town, before going to the Greek Isles, Croatia, Sicily, Tunisia, and the South of France. I know locals in Athens and Palermo, so that should help. I hear there are lots of moisties in the Greek Isles, so that should help even more. And I’m going to get a cliched Lonely Planet book to give me a fallback plan in each city where my wandering and curiosity fail me. I’m also going to get one of those small little Netbooks to carry around with me so I can make plans on the fly.

Oh yeah, let me state the goals for this trip:

1. Bang a Turkish girl (preferably one who is somewhat attractive)
2. Don’t get sick
3. Strategically avoid Asian girls for month 9 of 12 of Will’s No Asians 2008 adventure (I forgot to mention Will will be traveling with me on this journey)

The Theory of Moistitivity

A moistie is a word me and my friends used to throw around (we still use it all the time) when we were like 19-21 to describe 16-18 year old girls who would stop at nothing to get our attention. They always moved in a pack, and it was really fascinating to watch how much effort they put in to get us to like them. It was even more fascinating to watch how the older girls would step up the sluttiness to compete with the moisties. They figured they had more sex appeal than the moisties, and they were right, they did. That’s when I learned that experience mattered for a girl. You’d just be sitting there with a moistie like “man this girl is hot, I wish she knew what she was doing.”

4 of us out of the 5 who lived in that party house had girlfriends at the time, but all 5 of us had a moistie. Looking back on it now, it was more probably more surprising to us than it should have been but it was really the first time I can remember that younger girls appealed to me. I mean, I remember when I was a freshman in high school looking at the senior girls like ‘holy shit’. Man, those were the days. But it didn’t take me long to get this younger girl thing down. Here’s this naive girl, smoking hot, who hasn’t come to grips with how hot she is yet and she just throws herself at you. And what really made them great was how they spread joy and laughter everywhere they went. They were so light-hearted, always smiling and happy. Moisties made everything better, they were like sunshine in mini-skirts. (this reminds me of Hero Adage #5: ‘hot girls in mini-skirts are like chocolate dipped in chocolate’)

But it taught me so much about the female mentality. In fact, I can now reveal the timeless words of the Theory of Moistitivity:

Every hot girl was once a moistie

When I came to grips with that, everything I knew about girls changed. Girls wanted to feel happy and joyous. They didn’t want to be so serious all the time, and stop to think about things before doing them. They are moisties. Or, to be more specific, Moistie Alumni.

And you can’t make a moistie your main chick. I tried that once. I could handle the erratic behavior, the nickelback, and the teaching, but I couldn’t handle dealing with the boisties (boy moisties).

[Editor’s Note: For legal reasons, this post was heavily edited and moistie cadets were not even discussed. However, DC Hero was very upset about this and will likely revisit the topic of moisties in the both the near and distant future because it’s one of his favorite topics of all time]