Why Do Southerners Vote Republican?

Last week I swore that if I heard this question again, I’d write about it on my blog to be able to point anyone else who had this question to when the question reared it’s head again. I’m a believer in giving the short answer before giving the long answer, so here we go:

• In two words: Civil Rights
• In one word: Racism

This probably isn’t shocking to a lot of you older people, but I bet it is to the younger people out there. Growing up, I always wondered why relatively poor Southerners would vote for a party that encouraged the growth and prominence of big business. It didn’t make sense. Also, I wondered why relatively wealthy Northerners would vote for a party that transferred their wealth to the poor. It was counter to what I understood about human nature. I couldn’t get a direct answer from my history book, my history teacher, or political commentary shows. It just seemed like everyone accepted that this was how it was. How strange.

But then I pieced it together. Northerners used to vote Republican and Southerners used to vote Democratic. This was the way it was from when the Republican party was formed out of other parties (including the Whigs) to support higher education, banking, railroads, industry and cities. This modernization went hand in hand with ending slavery, which they felt was in disharmony with their vision of the future. Ok, so at some point in history it made sense, people were actually voting for their interests.

It stayed this way all the way up to 1948, which was when Harry S Truman ran on a Civil Rights platform as a Democrat. He was supporting views FDR had, but FDR had some big shit go down during his presidency (Great Depression, WWII, you might have heard of it) and he didn’t have time. Then, Strom Thurmond ran as a Dixiecrat (which means a Southern Democrat who is also racist) and won a bunch of Southern votes (4 States).

These Dixiecrats were obviously too numerous to stay a 3rd party for long, so the Republicans, in a particularly shrewd move, absorbed the racists and called it a ‘Southern Strategy‘. In another shrewd move, the Republicans then absorbed the Conservative Christians into the party to combine those who were anxious about racial issues with those to were anxious about religious issues to capture the votes of rural America. They sold ‘less government’ as ‘more freedom’ to them instead of how they sold it in the past: ‘less government’ as ‘better for business’. Absolutely… Brilliant.

And that, my friends, is how a small group of the super wealthy can push their free-market agenda onto the ballots of people who shouldn’t be voting for it: by using racism and religious fanaticism to get votes. As to why the Democrats manage to get so many votes from wealthy White people? I have no idea. I bet when the Republicans came up with this idea, they figured they’d get those votes as well.

Back to the Future

I was going to apologize for this blog sucking lately. But I’ve been kind of busy. I’m reading ‘The Black Swan’ by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. It has a pretty interesting concept behind it. Also, MarioKart Wii came out on Sunday. idk, it’s the best game series ever. Combining that experience with some solid drinking has been a Back to the Future type experience.

While we’re on the topic, I am attending a charitable drinking event at the Rhino Bar tonight from 8-11. It’s an open bar for $20 to support the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I am going because I can’t remember the last time I did anything for charity and because I can drink a lot more than $20 worth. Perhaps you feel the same way, or maybe you just want to tell me how much I suck to my face. Or maybe you’re just looking for an excuse to get drunk on a Monday. Aren’t we all.

Paranoia

In life, I naturally assume that everyone and their brother is out to get me because they are. Everyone wants to swindle me, bang my chick, steal my possessions, use my lines, bite my style, or get me to buy them something. Fucking assholes are the exact reason I don’t need some smart ass DC Hero Jr sitting at my dinner table whining that he has to eat regular cheese pizza instead of extra cheese pizza. Side note: what the fuck is extra cheese pizza all about anyway? I saw some bullshit ad for a 6 cheese pizza. Cheese pizza is only for little kids and poor people who can’t afford toppings. Gourmet cheese pizza, give me a fucking break.

Anyway, I’ve drawn a handy diagram of all the people out to get me. You can see the two Black guys who are about to jump me and steal my wallet. You can also see the one sneaky Asian guy who’s setting me up for a good old Asian pyramid scheme, but you can’t see the 200 Asians working behind the scenes on the pyramid scheme. You can also see two short Mexican twins who are out to get me. I’m not sure exactly what they’re up to, but I’m sure it involves drugs.

What you can’t see is the hundreds of White people I drew who are out to get me because they blend in with the background color of this website. You might think that’s a larger sociological metaphor for White criminals going relatively unnoticed because they blend in with the background of society. But you’d be wrong. I just like white backgrounds.

Anyway, I think it’s a pretty good idea to be abnormally paranoid in life. It’s the only way to see the clever assholes who really are out to get you. Otherwise, you’ll be a victim of your own optimism. Think you can go through life living carefree and happy? Think again. You might as well just pull your jeans down and hold up a bottle of K-Y because you’re just asking to get fucked. The way to do it is to be skeptical of everyone you meet because you know, deep down, they’re just aiming to screw you over when they get a chance. And then when you get to the finish line in life, and we all know there’s a finish line, you’ll know that you won.

Hillary, Give It Up Already

Check it out, if Hillary manages to win every primary (including Pennsylvania) by a 60-40 margin (which is almost impossible), she will still have 52 less pledged delegates than Obama after all the states are finished. As a side note, did you know Puerto Rico has 55 delegates to pledge in their primary on June 1? That makes it the 3rd biggest primary left after Indiana and North Carolina.

If she has less pledged delegates, there’s no way to justify the super delegates picking her to run. Obama supporters will vote for McCain out of spite.

We have the most unpopular president of all time. The Republican candidate supports the War that makes him so unpopular. If there was ever a gimme election in the history of the Universe, this is it. And the Democrats are doing the only thing they can do to blow the election by dividing themselves.

I used to joke about it, but now I actually think it is true. The Democratic party is not a real political party. It’s a party created by the Republicans to make it look like they aren’t ruling this country like a dictatorship. Because if that wasn’t true, leaders of the Democratic party would be forcing Hillary to end her campaign because she can’t possibly win.

I Am Selfish

Sometimes when I find myself debating about what to do instead of just acting on impulse, I find it strangely calming to say: “I am selfish” before making the decision. I’m not saying that this is the best way to deal with life, but it’s a way I deal with life pretty regularly. If I don’t put my own interests head and shoulders above the interests of others when making decisions, I find that life is too stressful because there are too many variables to consider.

Does this make me a self-centered, immature, and unreasonable? Maybe. There are certainly more than a few people who I’ve crossed paths with who would agree with that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I figure it is what it is, and acting any other way would be fake and dishonorable.

The older I get, I’m being drawn towards the idea that people are what they are in this world. Above all else, we want what we want, and there’s very little any of us can do to alter those desires. Those desires inspire us build the personas and lifestyles that drive us all.

So maybe fat people just want to eat cheeseburgers. Maybe hipsters just want to prove they’re right and everyone else is wrong. Maybe Will just wants Asians. Maybe drug addicts just want more and more drugs…

It seems to me that so much of the “Quarter Life Crisis” is based on the idea that someone who is in their 20s might not know what they want because they haven’t experienced it yet. Like there’s some grand desire out there that they will want once they experience it for the first time.

So traveling the world, trying new lifestyles, etc., etc., is all about finding these new desires. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is an immense value to doing all of these quarter life crisis activities. But it seems to me that the point of them is to clarify an inner desire, not to uncover desires that were previously unknown.

Dammit, you know what this sounds like? This sounds like the stuff people with no real problems think about. My mind is being taken over by the ideas I always looked down on, I guess that’s what growing up is all about.

Haters

Europeans hating the U.S. is often perceived as a fact of life. In my experience, it’s mainly the Europeans that are likely to interact with the outside world who are most Anti-American. These people are the socially and economically well-off class of people. The high class. Since class mobility is lower in Europe and wealth is spread out more evenly than almost as unequally distributed as it is in the U.S., this high class of people can get on their high horse and tell us how we’re wrong about everything without worrying about the poor taking their places. Nevermind that about 200 years of bad German philosophy is really to blame for the collapse of Europe, I don’t want the facts to stand in their way or anything.

Anyway, I don’t want to examine the how’s or why’s of Anti-Americanism. I want to talk about an issue that started in the rap community and has spread to bitter people worldwide: Hating.

Urban Dictionary defines hating as:

A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesnt really want to be the person he or she hates, rather the hater wants to knock someone else down a notch.

What an awful trait to have. In my experience, haters need to get laid. That’s pretty much at the core of it. I think people like to take others down a notch because they think it will help them get the ass they want. This makes me want to buy “Hating won’t get you laid” t-shirts, or just say that into a hater’s face at the very least. But if I do that, am I just hating a hater? That’s even worse. How the hell are we supposed to deal with haters?

The answer is pretty simple and not too exciting. Ignore the haters. If you’re feeling particularly bored, thank them for hating because it reduces your boredom and they spread your message further than any non-hater ever could. In fact, I propose a Hater Appreciation Day of May 3rd. This is because Cinco de Mayo falls on a Monday this year and we have to party on the 3rd for the “observed” holiday. Observed holidays are for losers, it’s better to create a new holiday and celebrate on that day.

Going Green? Are You Serious?

If you live in the U.S., you may have noticed one of the bigger fads going around lately that I directly attribute to the “we deserved 9/11” nonsense being propagated by the feminine men in this country. It’s something like “Save the environment! Go green! Healthy! Endangered Animals! Hybrids!”. What a bunch of bullshit. I could go off on any number of these hippie topics, but I don’t have the time. Instead, let’s explore one that pisses me off the most: Conserving oil.

I mean, why should we conserve oil? Last I checked, oil is an nonrenewable natural resource, which means it will run out at some point. This will most likely happen between 2036 and 2050. We can’t change this. This leaves us with only one relevant question:

1. Do we want the oil to run out as quickly as possible, or as slowly as possible?

If mathematics has taught me anything, it’s taught me that looking at the extreme cases will provide you with an incredible amount of insight about a problem. This problem is no different. Let’s look at the two scenarios:

Oil runs out as slowly as possible

Let’s say American conservation efforts are successful at prolonging the lifespan of oil. Which countries does this help the most? Undoubtedly it’s developing countries that need this oil to modernize their countries and make their economies globally competitive. China is doing everything they can, including making deals with literally any corrupt/murderous oil rich country, in a desperate search for oil to fuel this desire. Remember, for every drop of oil you don’t use, China will use. This is so obvious to me that it needs to be repeated. But I never repeat myself, I’ll just underline it. Sweet ass.

If oil lasts longer, cost pressures on oil sold in the global market will be minimized. This will allow the Chinese to grow into a world superpower, maybe THE world superpower, in the most uninhibited way possible. As everyone who doesn’t already know will see during the Olympic Games this summer, this isn’t a good thing.

Oil runs out as quickly as possible

Pussies in this country might have you believe that using an excess amount of gasoline or home heating fuel is bad for your country. After all, this will bring up prices (unless they’re fixed somehow) and will reduce the total amount of oil left on the planet, which can only be bad. Didn’t you get the memo? We have to conserve everything natural!!!

But they are wrong. If we use as much oil as possible, we reduce the global oil supply. Would this cause a global recession? Maybe. But isn’t that almost inevitable? And the U.S. would be much better equipped to handle oil running out before it was projected to than other countries would be. Well, at least better equipped than China would be. They’d be fucked. Remember, somebody is going to use the oil and it might as well be us.

I think it would be in our best interest if oil ran out when we were at our strongest. Keeping oil around allows developing nations to get stronger, so we would like the oil to run out as quickly as possible. And don’t even hit me with that “it’s better for the world as a whole” nonsense either.

And what would we do when there was no oil left, you say? Necessity is the mother of invention. And under those circumstances, if you don’t think a Manhattan Project for the energy crisis could be completed by the world’s greatest minds, you’re kidding yourself.

Side note, if you want to know why the U.S. is more dependent on foreign oil than ever, look at the following graph. Domestic oil production peaked in 1970 and has been falling ever since:

Hm, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe I gave China a little too much credit. Maybe they’re just another fatally flawed superpower-wannabe. On the other hand, I’d rather not risk China taking over. Especially since Thai, Korean, and Vietnamese girls are hotter than Chinese girls. In any case, conserving oil is at best delaying the inevitable. Let’s just use it all and get to the point already.

Food Prices Rising, Fat People Terrified

With all the news focused on politics (a White couple worth over $100M calling a Black man “out of touch” with less fortunate Americans is beyond ironic), you may have missed the Global outrage over rising food prices. I mean, there are riots breaking out all around the world, pushing many poorer countries into dangerously unstable situations that threaten Global security. Maybe that should be a bigger story here in the U.S., call me crazy.

Anyway, like most people who read the news, you might be wondering: “How does this affect me?” Well, I’m glad you asked. This is such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make advances against the Fat People that I’m actually giddy with excitement. Here’s exactly what should happen:

• Impose a Stoplight Tax on all foods deemed to be ‘Terrifically Unhealthy’

What’s a Stoplight Tax? It works like this: every year you get a checkup with a personal care physician. From looking at you, he will be able to tell with 99% certainty if you fall into the Green, Yellow, or Red “health zones”. If you’re in the Green zone, you get an ID card or something, and when you show it you don’t have to pay the tax for Terrifically Unhealthy foods. If you’re in the Yellow zone (moderately unhealthy, definitely unattractive), you have to pay a 50% tax on those foods. And the Red zone (disgustingly obese, ~40% of US population): you have to pay a 500% tax on the aforementioned foods.

It goes without saying that in the event you don’t have your ID card with you or you never got one to begin with, the guy at the checkout counter will take your picture and assign you a zone. These pictures will be placed on the internet where everyone will vote for their favorite Red Zoners.

This revolutionary tax will reduce unhealthy food consumption to the point where we will have an excess of unhealthy foods. Then, we can ship them overseas to the rioting poor people, but only if they agree to let us put military bases there, give us access to their natural resources, and sign pro-US trade agreements. Those governments will have no choice. Wait, I think we’re doing this already.

Eventually, the Red Zoners will have to move into the Yellow Zone or move to Canada where they won’t impose Stoplight Taxes. They’ll just have high food prices for everyone and free heathcare for all Red Zoners. Combining that with the fat-friendly climate, Canada is a fantasy land for Red Zoners. Maybe they’ll even dress one of the bigger ones in a hockey goalie uniform and have them lay in front of the goal to completely block all incoming shots. Why has this not been done already?

Song/Link/Video of the Day: Lupe Fiasco – Paris, Tokyo

This song was my favorite song off The Cool when I first heard it, and it still is my favorite song on that album. Check out the new video.

Women are Dogs

I was wandering around a bookstore the other day when I stumbled upon (sidenote: stumbleupon.com is awesome) this book: Men are Dogs. It seems to me that it’s generally accepted that men are like dogs and women are like cats. After all, women own most of the cats and men (or families led by men) own most of the dogs. At least in our culture. I never understood why people felt like this because to me it seemed blatantly obvious that women are like dogs and men are like cats. Men own dogs to serve as a replacement for a girlfriend and women own cats to replace a man. It couldn’t be more clear to me. Let’s make 2 lists:

Why Dogs are like Women

1. Dogs are attention whores who need constant attention and love to feel complete
2. Many dogs (bigger dogs) are good with children. I would never leave a cat alone with a toddler.
3. Dogs need to be touched, petted, and rubbed to feel good.
4. A Dog’s emotions change by the second and go to the extremes of the emotional spectrum
5. Dogs hate being alone.
6. Dogs are foolish, easily tricked creatures.

Why Cats are like Men

1. Cats are solitary hunters
2. Cats don’t like attention from strangers, they will be openly hostile towards many strangers
3. Cats will often wander around, only coming back for food and shelter
4. Cats will attack men sleeping with their owners
5. Cats take a generally apathetic and unemotional view on most things. I like some cats because it’s obvious they just don’t give a fuck.

I think this is pretty spot-on because I mean, why don’t women without men get dogs instead of cats? I know some of them do, but you always hear about “the cat lady” and all that jazz. You’d think women would gravitate towards dogs because of the attention and affection they could trade with it. But women go for cats instead, because they like working hard for it. Cats emulate men in this respect.

Also, women can’t control dogs. Dogs just don’t listen to women, they listen to men. Whenever I see a dog pulling it’s owner when they take it for a walk, it’s always a woman or a metrosexual that the dog is dragging. These are basically the same individuals who can’t control women. You ever see the Dog Whisperer? I bet Cesar Milan gets TONS of ass.