The Phenomenon of Valentine’s Day

You might think Valentine’s day is a holiday invented by, or at least popularized by, the collective greeting card industry. That’s because it was, in the mid 1800’s. But that’s one of those historical facts that doesn’t matter so much. What matters is it’s tomorrow, and it coincides with the dramatic but inevitable conclusion of Relationship Practice Month.

Because it’s such a grand and rapidly approaching occasion, I chose to turn to an old friend (Google, I’ve been on that shit since ’98 bitches) to ask him about the two most frequently purchased Valentine’s Day presents outside of condoms: roses and chocolate. I’m pretty sure roses are romantic because they’re pretty and they smell good, but their beauty fades quickly so the girl can win one of the never-ending string of beauty contests she experiences. And I’m pretty sure chocolate is romantic because it so obviously says “you aren’t fat”. But, when consulting with said friend, to my absolute shock and horror:

Your search – “why are roses romantic” – did not match any documents.

Results 1 – 2 of 2 for “why is chocolate romantic“

I mean, are you serious, Google? All of a sudden you don’t know something? I can’t blame Google, simply because it’s so obviously better than it’s closest competitor Yahoo! (lose that fucking exclamation point already, the tech-bubble bursted like 10 years ago). Maybe when Powerset gets out of beta and into a full release it will be different, but that’s still kind of a long shot.

Wait, what was the point of this shit again? Oh yeah, if you copy a poem off the Internet, and you want to give it as a Valentine’s Day present to a girl who digs that shit and pass it off as your own, make sure you change around the words in the best lines to avoid being foiled by Google.

Relationship Practice Month

Practice may be defined as working to master something. But ‘Relationship Practice Month’ isn’t about mastering relationships, it’s about entering a relationship at the optimal time and getting out (if necessary) at the optimal time. That’s the stated goal. It’s the best time to practice a relationship while inflicting the least amount of collateral damage.

You probably don’t know this because I made it up without telling anybody, but we are currently at the approximate halfway point of Relationship Practice Month. It’s not a month according to the Gregorian calendar, but it does depend on the Gregorian calendar. It runs from the Ides of January (January 13th) to the Day after Valentine’s Day (February 15th). I originally planned it to end on the Ides of February, but that turned out to be on the 13th and we all know Valentine’s Day is the perfect final gauntlet for RPM.

It’s the perfect time of year for this sort of thing for a few reasons, let’s make a list (men’s list):

1. It’s cold outside, and fatties have taken over your primary and secondary pick-up establishments. Your tertiary pick-up establishment is an empty, barren wasteland for reasons you don’t fully understand. And your quaternary and final option is just too fucking expensive. Church may be option (I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never tried it), but I think it would be tough because you don’t have the awesome power of alcohol and darkness to help you.
2. No Christmas/Kwanzaa/Jew-day presents to buy
3. No need to adjust your New Year’s plans
4. It’s a good opportunity to rest up for the Spring mating season
5. Less random sex happens during RPM than at any other time during the year. Probably.
6. It’s the most depressing period of the year. January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. I know this because it’s my birthday.
7. No girls in skimpy clothing
8. It’s always dark out
9. You achieve a side goal of building up jealousy in girls who are teetering on the edge of wanting your love in time for the Spring mating season. Being ‘taken’ at some point is beneficial for you, and it might as well be during RPM.

Look, you need a break from the game at least every once in awhile to re-tool while you plot your comeback with a vengeance. In fact, don’t call it a comeback. All things considered, it’s the optimal time to take a breather. Even for girls this works.

Time for the girls list:

1. The extra clothing doesn’t help you
2. It’s the most depressing period of the year. January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. I know this because it’s my birthday.
3. If there’s ever a time to give ‘that guy’ a shot, it’s during RPM

You may currently be thinking: “if I missed out on RPM, when is the next best time to stop gaming, I need a break from this shit”. Right after Valentine’s Day. Obviously.

‘Trading down’ is usually a crucial, unfortunate but necessary element of RPM. And it may be highly unlikely that the stars will align for you in time for RPM. However, if all of the necessary elements fall into place, this is the scientifically proven best time of the year for RPM.