You might think Valentine’s day is a holiday invented by, or at least popularized by, the collective greeting card industry. That’s because it was, in the mid 1800’s. But that’s one of those historical facts that doesn’t matter so much. What matters is it’s tomorrow, and it coincides with the dramatic but inevitable conclusion of Relationship Practice Month.
Because it’s such a grand and rapidly approaching occasion, I chose to turn to an old friend (Google, I’ve been on that shit since ’98 bitches) to ask him about the two most frequently purchased Valentine’s Day presents outside of condoms: roses and chocolate. I’m pretty sure roses are romantic because they’re pretty and they smell good, but their beauty fades quickly so the girl can win one of the never-ending string of beauty contests she experiences. And I’m pretty sure chocolate is romantic because it so obviously says “you aren’t fat”. But, when consulting with said friend, to my absolute shock and horror:
Your search – “why are roses romantic” – did not match any documents.
I mean, are you serious, Google? All of a sudden you don’t know something? I can’t blame Google, simply because it’s so obviously better than it’s closest competitor Yahoo! (lose that fucking exclamation point already, the tech-bubble bursted like 10 years ago). Maybe when Powerset gets out of beta and into a full release it will be different, but that’s still kind of a long shot.
Wait, what was the point of this shit again? Oh yeah, if you copy a poem off the Internet, and you want to give it as a Valentine’s Day present to a girl who digs that shit and pass it off as your own, make sure you change around the words in the best lines to avoid being foiled by Google.