MGD 64 – One Step Closer

After Inbev’s brutal buyout of the most American Institution of them all, Budweiser, I decided I would never drink a Budweiser product again. Then those Euro-assholes have the audacity to shove a decidedly confusing product, ‘American Lager’, down our throats during football season. What the hell? It brings us one step closer to Sundays drinking 2 Heineken and watching EPL soccer instead of drinking a pony keg of Busch Light and browning out between the 4pm and 8pm NFL games.

This boycott, combined with the merger of Miller and Coors, left me with only one economical beer company to pick from. When I was out drinking beer made by said beer company, I was notified by some guy who probably was one of those kids to brought a 6 pack of expensive beer to underage keggers (I fucking hated those kids! seriously, who did they think they were? chug your beast lite like a good 17 year old, asshole) that I was “drinking nothing but beer flavored water and alcohol.”

I said, “you know what, asshole? I wish I was drinking beer flavored water and alcohol”. Because really, I don’t drink beer for the taste. I drink it because the pace of drinking it over the course of the night is perfectly matched to the level of drunkenness I want to get to. I would love to get the alcohol without getting the calories, in fact. This brings me to Miller 64, the 64 calorie beer from MillerCoors. Oh yes, perfect, this is exactly what I need! Wait, it’s only 2.8% alcohol? You mean the alcohol itself has calories? This brings us to a crossroads. The calories in alcohol are the real energy crisis!

Shouldn’t somebody we working on calorie-free alcohol? Dammit, this is America, and we like our women skinny and drunk. Oh wait, I guess we already have calorie-free alcohol. I think it’s called ‘drugs’. Splenda Kool-Aid + Roofies = 0 Calorie Fun. But there’s no way I’m taking those again, I need something with the same exact effect of alcohol in Alka-Seltzer form so I can drop it in water instead of carrying beer everywhere I want to drink it. It would be called “Beer Zero” to build on the “Coke Zero” paradigm. This idea would still be successful if it didn’t have 0 calories.

Girls are Boring

After approaching a few hundred young women, me and this guy concluded that it was shocking how few interesting things girls actually had to say. I mean, if you’re a girl and you go to a bar to talk to guys (have guys come up and talk to you), for the love of God at least have something interesting to say. I can’t even begin to count how many awful stories I’ve heard about “my crazy friends” while I’m standing there bored to tears trying to figure out if I can snort some of my beer if I tilt the bottle over far enough.

I think it has a lot to do with women in groups, since this is how they go out on the town. Girls are incredibly boring by themselves, and this effect is magnified in groups since the inertia just builds. While guys befriend girls for the emotional support and the indirect ass, girls befriend guys for much needed fun and excitement. Luckily, those needs are not in conflict with each other.

I used to think girls didn’t do many fun things because they were too conservative or nervous to try them. But then I learned the truth of how lame and unimaginative they really are. A very wise man once said: “If I was gay, I would never talk to a woman unless I absolutely had to. They are completely worthless.” That man was me in 2004. I am a prophet to my own gospel.

Back to the Future

I was going to apologize for this blog sucking lately. But I’ve been kind of busy. I’m reading ‘The Black Swan’ by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. It has a pretty interesting concept behind it. Also, MarioKart Wii came out on Sunday. idk, it’s the best game series ever. Combining that experience with some solid drinking has been a Back to the Future type experience.

While we’re on the topic, I am attending a charitable drinking event at the Rhino Bar tonight from 8-11. It’s an open bar for $20 to support the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I am going because I can’t remember the last time I did anything for charity and because I can drink a lot more than $20 worth. Perhaps you feel the same way, or maybe you just want to tell me how much I suck to my face. Or maybe you’re just looking for an excuse to get drunk on a Monday. Aren’t we all.

Hitting on Girls in Front of their Boyfriends

Sometimes in life, I get bored. Sometimes I take a look around a bar and let out one of those boredom sighs while I look at my drink and figure out how I can possibly entertain myself for a few minutes while I’m waiting for someone or while I’m finishing my drink and trying to figure out where I can go to next.

It’s times like these that I issue myself Personal Honor Challenges (PHCs). It’s best to have a wingman egging you on to do things you’d issue PHCs for, but this isn’t always an option. This tactic is eerily similar to the DC Hero Drinking Game where you get 1 point for telling someone else to drink and you get 2 points for telling yourself to drink. Pulling off a combo is a 3-pointer. And of course, the points don’t mean anything because like everyone who’s over the age of 15 should know, it doesn’t matter who wins drinking games.

Anyway, hitting on a girl in front of her boyfriend is a fantastic PHC. But there’s a few things you need to keep in mind when you do this:

1. Make sure you can kick the guy’s ass if he tries to fight you
2. Wait until he leaves her side to make your approach, you want him to “catch you in the act” to get the most excitement out of this situation
3. Pick a girl who you’d classify as a “no-doubter” (there’s no doubt you could pick her up if she was single)
4. The drunker she is the better
5. Try to isolate her from her friends who will try to save her
6. No matter what happens, stay until they walk away from you or until 10 minutes elapse, whichever happens first. At that point let out a satisfied smile and move on. You’re not trying to actually pick her up, you’re trying to entertain yourself.

Another great PHC is using “the mumble” as a pickup line. In this challenge, the idea is to prove that opening lines don’t mean anything by mumbling a stumble of incomprehensible nonsense to a girl, followed by an attentive pause. If she asks you “What?” like 88% of females I surveyed, give her an expression that can best be described as ‘expecting an answer.’ This will really make her think. In fact, ‘Making Her Think’ is an unstoppable and timeless flirting tactic that requires space of it’s own. That’s next in my queue.

Softball, Steriods, and Drunken Orgies

I read this story this morning. Full coverage and analysis to come if I feel like it later on.

Edit: You know what, this doesn’t even deserve the space on this blog. This story is overblown, as I can tell now from the obnoxious number of buzzwords (mafia, orgy, steroids, etc.) the prison official uses in his assessment of the situation. And I watched the associated video, where I uncovered the punchline to this story: the prison official is writing a book on how he cleaned house. Unbelievable, CNN should be ashamed of themselves.

The Art of Waxing

Waxing is a term I use to describe how I talk when it feels like I’m on stage, like I’m giving a performance. It’s when I have my audience (which could be a girl I’m flirting with, a hiring manager I’m interviewing with, a girl I’m flirting with, etc.) hanging on my every word because everything I say sounds so got-damn smooth that it should really be recorded. In other words, it should be put on wax (that’s vinyl to the new-schoolers out there). It’s almost like I’ve memorized my lines, and my audience is watching me put on a show.

The key to the whole thing is to know my audience so well that the topics and words I choose hit them absolutely perfectly in the moment. A lot of reading of emotions goes into the whole deal. A lot more of it is simple trial and error. It’s not necessarily a monologue, because I have to get some verbal back and forth to keep their attention through participation (like teachers do to schoolchildren), but I’m absolutely going to lead the conversation down the road to the fantasy I want to create. Basically, whenever I want to impress someone, to have them think highly of me for whatever-ever reason, all I need to do is a little bit of waxing and it’s like magic, I can do no wrong.

The neat thing about it is how so many of the same methods work with different audiences in different situations. Whether I’m running the moistie-iso or I’m trying to get FY08 R&D money from a boardroom full of VPs, waxing is waxing. There’s so many elements that go into a successful wax, and that’s what makes it an art in the truest sense. Balancing body language, tone, speed, pauses, confidence, the questions, and the answers is like improv drama.

I remember the first time I thought about this shit: I was a sophomore in college and I got into an across-the-table conversation with this cute Italian girl I fancied. I like Italian girls. I don’t remember what we were talking about or what time it was or who else was even there because none of that shit ever matters anyway, but it was at a house party and there was something like 10-15 people in the general area just sitting there listening to our conversation. It was like, everything I said was funny, clever, witty… something in that general vein. This goes on for 10 solid minutes (maybe more like 5), then I pull a George Costanza and excuse myself to get another beverage when I have everybody eating out of my hand.

I get the girl one-on-one maybe an hour later, get into a more normal conversation, and walked her home. I hooked up with her a few times after that before I fucked it up the way everybody fucks it up when they’re 19 years old (or at least the way I always did, by drinking too much), but more importantly, I learned about the power of waxing.