Agnostic: Synonym for Pussy

well golly gee, i just can't decide

“You know what, I know billions of people in the world believe in a god and millions of others have decided, after long periods of introspection, that they’re atheists, but I think I’m just going to sit on the fence on this one. Does God exist? Well Marty, I don’t think I could say if he does or doesn’t exist. Guess I’ll just wait and see.”

–Millions of Spineless Agnostics intensifying the pussification of America

So let me get this straight. In by far the most polarizing argument known to mankind, there is a growing contingent of people who can’t decide? I guess they figure all those philosophers throughout history were just wasting their time.

To paraphrase David Hume: ‘All rational statements that assert a factual claim about the universe that begin “I believe that ….” are simply shorthand for, “Based on my knowledge, understanding, and interpretation of the prevailing evidence, I tentatively believe that….”‘

What kind of spineless, bullshit, ball-shrinking nonsense is that? What the fuck is the point? I mean, isn’t it obvious that nobody can ever be 100% sure about any factual claim about the universe? Fucking of course it is. Does that mean you can’t make ridiculous assertive claims about the universe that you are not 100% sure about? No, of course you fucking can.

Nobody in the history of the universe was ever 100% sure about anything. All great men in history pretended to know more than they did, got a little bit of luck, then took credit for the luck. It’s really that simple. Does anybody really think Barack Obama “knows we’re going to pull together and get through this tough time”? Only fools. Obviously, he doesn’t “know” anything. He makes a judgement call based on incomplete information, relies on some luck, then takes credit for the luck. It’s the oldest trick in the book.

These “agnostics” are popping up nowadays because we don’t have enough wars to kill them off. You know what happened to agnostics in any of the real wars in history? Them, their wives, and their children were slaughtered by whichever side won the war because the agnostics didn’t join the winning side. Not picking a side is the same as picking the losing side in all life or death scenarios. No exceptions.

Simply put, human beings are naturally polarized because it was the most polarized individuals in ethnic/religious groups who killed off the less polarized (pussier and less organized) agnostics.

The moral of the story is to pick the winning side after you study all the information. Because being agnostic (picking no side) is the equivalent to picking the losing side.

Even God Wouldn’t Believe in God

god never existed

When I was a kid, there were four supernatural beings I believed in that roughly equated to each other: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and God. Very quickly, I figured out the Easter Bunny wasn’t real. Besides, a giant bunny hiding eggs in my house in the middle of the night scared me far more than it excited me. Then I figured out the true identity of the Tooth Fairy when he used an envelope that exactly matched the other watermark-stained envelopes in the paper/pencil drawer. Finally, say it ain’t so, I figured out Santa Claus wasn’t real. Logically, or so I thought, God would be the next entity to be revealed as nothing more than one of my own parents.

To my surprise, this didn’t happen. The people in church weren’t just showing up every Sunday to make a convincing display for the kids. They actually believed in this thing. This fucking thing that not only created everything, but watched over all of these things to… well I’m not exactly sure why. If it created them, then why not make them perfect enough to not need to be watched over? Oh, he apparently made us in his own imperfect image, I guess that’s comforting. I learned that this was also because there was a Devil, an entity almost as powerful as God who was a fallen angel that hated everything God created… but he was only allowed to do bad things to these creations if God let him do them. Apparently God needed to make things more challenging for himself from time to time. Of course, this would be a ridiculous challenge for him to take on, but “everyone knows” that you can’t question the all-powerful, all-knowing being even though he is, by definition, imperfect and quite plausably open to question…

That’s when the truth started to come to me. Quickly.

As I got older, I wondered how anyone could possibly believe in this stuff.

It’s just so blatantly obvious. Whenever common people are presented with things as incredible and literally unbelievable as life, the stars, the Universe, or a dove appearing out of a top hat, they immediately gravitate towards the most likely reasoning: Magic. And God is the unseen and unheard magician of the cosmos. I really believe that if someone had a magic trick that nobody (scientists and all types of cameras included) could figure out, they would be anointed as a human manifestation of God: the next coming of Jesus. Wait, isn’t that what miracles are, essentially? Magic tricks?

I know nowadays (since 1983) the Catholic Church has modified the magic tricks needed to become a Saint. Now, you only need to perform one magic trick (as opposed to three), which comes in the form (almost always) of “curing the incurable”. In other words a doctor (in a 3rd world country with little to no clinical experience) needs to declare a patient terminally ill. Then the patient needs to be cured for a reason said doctor can not explain… Wow!!!

My biggest problem is God’s absolute refusal to even acknowledge his existence. I mean, give me a fucking break. The cult/church (legitimately indistinguishable here) faithful will tell you this is because God is “testing the faith of humanity”. Well then why did he, out of the blue for no apparent reason at all 2000/1300 years ago, decide to manifest himself in Jesus/Mohammad (unless you’re the Jews and believe God only spoke to your people directly)? Because people were losing faith? Shouldn’t that be the time not to throw the humans a bone and suddenly manifest yourself in someone? If you created a Universe, would you control it quietly enough for honest, moral people to (even only privately) question your existence? For what purpose? What is the reason to effectively seduce people into believing in you?

I can understand how women believe in God, I really can. Being the vain, self-centered creatures that they are, why wouldn’t they be attracted to eternity for themselves? And what women can resist the fairy tale of being loved by an Alpha-Male? Especially one who lives outside of the Universe and controls the fate of all who have ever existed. But any man who buys into the fact that he is subservient to an omnipotent, omnipresent being is a weak, manipulable fool who deserves to be at the mercy of the powers in the world who will play on this subservience for their own personal gain.

Oh, and one last thing. A lot of smart-ass atheists out there write ‘god’ instead of ‘God’ under the false assumption that you only capitalize it if you believe in God. Wrong. You capitalize it if you are talking about the monotheistic Christian/Islamic/Jewish God. Since this is often used as a way to slight the theists, I think it’s pretty funny that it’s quite literally self-defeating.

Atheism is for Fifth Graders

so why are you wasting my time with this again?

 It’s time for me to slay my own Laplacian Demon (go look it up, I’ll wait). It goes something like this:

How can Atheists make the claim that God doesn’t exist when it’s blatantly obvious to everyone with a Middle School education that their claim that the Universe came from nothing is equally ridiculous?

Seriously, you hear it all the time. Some smug fuck says some shit like “it’s only a matter of time before everyone else figures out God doesn’t exist” or “God is just a natural progression of worship away from the stars and towards a more human-like character of the heavens, didn’t you see [insert Internet documentary here]?” Then they say something about the Big Bang, do some hand-waving saying ‘scientists are still working out the details’, and never realize how retarded their argument is because there is no Atheist theory on how the Universe came to be.

The way I see it is pretty clear. The ‘Big Bang’ was initiated by some entity external to the Universe and external to the Universe’s laws of space and time. That entity, whatever it is, is what all the World’s religions refer to as God or gods. Everyone, especially the Agnostics, should agree with this basic idea. The matter of if this entity still exists and guards over the Universe is another matter entirely.

But seriously, I have no intellectual respect for anyone who is a non-Agnostic Atheist who can not even acknowledge the statement in the previous paragraph. Atheism is a childish view harbored by individuals who are not intelligent enough to recognize the inherent contradiction in their view. It’s like the goth kids who don’t realize they’re only goth because they’re ugly. Or really, more like those kids who support “anarchy” only because nobody else supports it even though they don’t know what it means. Then these kids grow up to be “Libertarians”, not realizing that their political vision would only benefit the “good old boys networks” and other rich, powerful, old money peoples at the expense of larger society, including them. 

The larger view is quite simple: a little knowledge is dangerous. It empowers fools in the same way Religion empowers fools. Hm. This idiom becomes more and more relevant by the day as information, much of it unreliable, spreads quickly to an ungodly number of people before any subject expert can publicly dispute it or any individual taking in that information can put it in perspective. A great example of this, which I expect more of with far more disastrous consequences, is the “Steve Jobs had a heart attack” rumor that (very) temporarily shocked Apple’s stock price that was started by a bunch of 4chan fags. No I’m not gay bashing, 4chan is… well, if you’ve never been, you have to go. It’s like the Disneyworld of the Internet. Anyway, it’s amazing how powerful the control of information flow across the Internet is. Any shitfuck idea  or rumor, when funneled through the right data portals, can wield an incredible and immediate power. A question: what would Information Terrorism be?

So yeah, all the Atheists who casually drop their beliefs in the middle of a conversation to look cool just sound like the kid in History class who thinks Communism is superior to Capitalism to draw attention to himself. At least to me.