The World is My Living Room

Acting uninhibited in public is probably my all-time favorite activity. It basically epitomizes my ‘I do what I want’ philosophy on life. Caring what other people think is a by-product of passive aggressive behavior that should be reserved for bitches only. I’m pretty sure most people don’t get to this point until they’re 80 years old and too old to care, but with some calculated steps you can speed up this process. Here’s a list of activities that can make the world feel like your living room:

1. Swear in public, especially in front of little children
2. Swear at work, loudly
3. Make fun of teenagers on the Metro
4. Pick flowers from public places and give them to pretty girls who wander into your part of your living room
5. “I just say whatever I want to whoever I want, whenever I want, wherever I want, however I want” – Eminem

I think this is best illustrated with a story.

My greatest night at a casino ever came a couple years ago at the fabulous Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas. This night managed to beat out my previous ‘best casino night’, which ended when I took down a $1200 pot when I rivered a straight flush against a Chinese guy who had been calling me kid all night. He had the ace high flush.

Anyway, it was close to 4:00 in the morning. I was at the Palms, definitively annihilated after drinking an untold number of JD shot/Bud Light combos (tipping 50 cent chips each time). I was playing some version of pot-limit Hold Em, and it got to the point where I was openly mocking anyone who lost to me by saying “I mean, look at me, look at me!” and laughing hysterically when I took down pots.

Needless to say, I had exactly 0 friends at the table and I couldn’t have cared any less. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was dying to beat me. I managed to notice this even though I was reasonably occupied making fun of this fat guy I nicknamed ‘JoJo’ sitting across from me. I thought the pit boss let me stay at the table because everyone wanted me to stay there and lose so badly. This was confirmed to me when the drinks started coming 3 or 4 times faster then they had been.

My night of poker ended when I was telling a flurry of racist and sexist jokes in the middle of a huge hand I was in. I ended up pulling out a full house and I subsequently took it down. I laughed so hard when I raked the chips in that I fell out of my chair. The pit boss informed me that I was no longer welcome at the poker table, and I cashed out my chips. After loudly counting my winnings, I was escorted from the premises to a round of applause from the other poker players and was told I was banned for life from the Palms Casino Resort.

I went to the casino next door, put every dollar of winnings on my lucky number (24) in Roulette, and lost. I took a cab back to the hotel, recounted my story to my friends, and went to sleep with a huge smile on my face. I haven’t played poker since.

The moral of the story: you don’t ever want to be JoJo.

Song of the Day: Third Eye Blind – Narcolepsy

It’s been 11 years since this CD came out and I still love it. I guess that doesn’t quite make it timeless or classic yet, but I’ll leave that debate to the real hipsters. All I know is 3eb’s debut album fucking rocks shit hard.

It gets a lot of drama for being too poppish/overplayed, but the content deals with issues faced by an older set than is typical for your average radio band. It was released by a band of guys in their late 20’s and early 30’s. They created 14 tracks of pure, uninhibited awesomeness.

To make this clear, I think this is the greatest rock album ever made because it embodies the rock genre to me. The greatest rap album ever made is obviously 2pac’s ‘Makaveli: The 7 Day Theory’, but that’s a different story.