The FriendGirlPair Hypothesis

You might guess from the clever disfigure of the term ‘girlfriend’ that this hypothesis has something to do with how two girls can bend the dimensions of space-time to become the optimal singular girlfriend. The job has just become too time consuming for one modern girl to handle between her facebook networking, her man-hating, and her career goals. Let me explain:

• girlfriend defines a female who’s a smokeshow and a friend. The hot girl is needed for general bedroom mischief while the friend is needed for spiritual guidance. The truth of the last sentence is at the crux of the theory.
• FriendGirlPair (FGP) encapsulates these same entities (girl and friend), but they are two distinct girls. The friend is more than just a regular friend, she is a friendgirl. However you do not lust after her in any way because you have a revolving door of girls who fulfill you’re manly needs and complete the pair.

The hypothesis is that a FGP is superior to the girlfriend in all measurable ways, which we’ll sum together to create a value. If we look at the two parts of the girlfriend, we see that the value of the girl entity decreases with time (mainly due to manly lust for variety) and the value of the friend entity increases with time (mainly due to the characteristics of human bonding):

If we look at the two entities of the FGP, we see that the value of the friendgirl also increases with time, but the value of the replaceable bimbo-slut girls remains at a steady high value. The total value is higher at every step in time when compared to the girlfriend competitor:

Of course the key to the whole thing is picking the right friendgirl. She will have to be proud of your conquests, aid in increasing the jealousy of a bimbo-slut prospect, and you must be sure she will never want a real relationship out of you. So she will need to be a girl who respects you, who is willing to be somewhat of a trader to her own gender, and who is completely unattracted to you. The contradiction is pretty thick, so you wouldn’t expect these girls to exist. But honestly, I’ve never had too much trouble finding one.

Conclusion: The situation is a nice ideal, but ultimately the man or the friendgirl will want more. Hypothesis fail. Sorry to have wasted your time.

Why Girls Can’t Argue

Early in life, girls are taught that if they’re in an argument with a man and they can’t win, they should cry. I’m not knocking this because it’s an extremely effective strategy that will usually end up in the girl getting what she wants, but what this means is that girls don’t develop the awesome power of wit and logic that men use to control the world later in life. In fact, a girl’s power to get her way by crying will diminish as she gets older. Let me stop to make a graph of how the different sexes gain and lose power with age:

You should notice how girls quickly become more special (and more powerful) than boys because they are cuter kids and are therefore loved more. Also notice the crossing point which can not exactly be determined by this graph and it’s lack of scale. I like to call that point “the great reversal”, but I’m sure there’s better names then that.

Anyway, the point is that women can’t argue. I would personally never hire a woman for a lawyer unless I wanted to get convicted to break my lost twin brother out of jail from the inside. Can you imagine if your woman lawyer had some type of emotional crisis (her husband cheating on/leaving her, a missed period, a bad hair day, etc.) when your virgin ass was on the line? Women may be able to learn how to argue by suppressing their femininity, but it isn’t ingrained in them because they didn’t learn it in childhood. The emo override will always get hit when the stress is highest. That’s probably the main reason there’s no female front line soldiers, if that’s still the case.

Personally, I never give in to the tears because I can see right through their tactics. I look at it like when a girl starts crying in an argument, it’s the equivalent to a guy telling me “yeah, you’re right.” At that point, I can scale down my hostility and she should scale down her tears accordingly. If she doesn’t follow suit, then she’s doing nothing but crying for attention. At that point I will be able to put another mark in the victory column by walking away.

Nas Stands Up To Fox News

I watched Fox News the other day and I was somewhat surprised that it’s gotten even more ridiculous since the last time I watched it (a few months ago). Luckily, none of this gets by Nas:

Huffington Post

My To-Do List

My List:

1. (name omitted)
2. Party in Mediterranean Europe

When I was in High School I came up with a list of things I wanted to accomplish before I was 30. By the time I was 24, I had accomplished all of those things outside of banging (different name omitted). I equate accomplishing everything I want to accomplish with having everything in the World because, if you think about it logically, there’s no difference in satisfaction between the two, there’s only a difference in effort. After I accomplished all of those things, I came up with the new list that you see above. If you’re wondering why #1 is even on there because you think it’s beta, then you’re probably not a man because every man should have 1 girl’s name at the top of his to-do list regardless of the quality or quantity of the ass he’s currently receiving. It keeps you focused.

Anyway, I started on #2 the other day when I told my boss I’d be going on an extended vacation of unknown length starting in September. Since my job offers time off of up to 3 months while still retaining benefits, it’s going to be anywhere from 1 to 3 months, but I’m leaning towards 1 month because I think I’ll be bored if I stay any longer than that. I went to Europe with a female companion (seemed like a great idea, ended up being a BIG mistake) for 3 weeks a few years ago and that was more than enough time. Incidentally, I hate that bitch. Unless you’re reading this and in that case… well, let’s just move on.

I’m going to start in Istanbul, which is supposed to be a pretty fun town, before going to the Greek Isles, Croatia, Sicily, Tunisia, and the South of France. I know locals in Athens and Palermo, so that should help. I hear there are lots of moisties in the Greek Isles, so that should help even more. And I’m going to get a cliched Lonely Planet book to give me a fallback plan in each city where my wandering and curiosity fail me. I’m also going to get one of those small little Netbooks to carry around with me so I can make plans on the fly.

Oh yeah, let me state the goals for this trip:

1. Bang a Turkish girl (preferably one who is somewhat attractive)
2. Don’t get sick
3. Strategically avoid Asian girls for month 9 of 12 of Will’s No Asians 2008 adventure (I forgot to mention Will will be traveling with me on this journey)

Finally, A Global Warming Solution

The economy is entering it’s biggest Depression, the world is warming at a frantic pace, the dollar is falling faster than the Ruble ever did, and we’re damn near out of oil. Well, at least according to some people. Personally, I’m not sold on most of it but that doesn’t matter. What we need is a plan in case all of these things are true. That’s right, we need a contingency plan.

If global warming takes over, we’ll need to stay cool. Luckily, nature already built in the solution to that one because the oceans will rise and flood everything, making automobiles and our vast road networks useless. Since our dollar will be worthless and we won’t have any oil, motorboats will also be useless to us as a means of transportation. Sailboats would be an option, but we all know how hard it is to sail and how expensive it would be to train all the cab drivers to sail. So that’s out.

That leaves us back to the mode of transport that dawned great civilizations around the world: animals. However, since horses will not be able to swim nearly fast enough, we’ll have to domesticate and ride a water-based mammal. Since whales and dolphins are the only real candidates and whales are far too large and plankton-dependent to do the job, we’ll have to use dolphins.

I’ve Painted a diagram above that shows how the system will work. The edge and middle lines will be made up of some type of anchored floating material. Note that this diagram is of an early domesticated dolphin (still pretty wild) because it has not learned how to not jump for no reason so often anymore. Also note that drinking and driving will no longer be an issue. What can not be seen in the diagram is the motorized fish moving underneath the water to keep the dolphin moving.

Write your local Senators and Congressmen, urging them to act NOW to domesticate dolphins. The Japanese are probably already doing it, and we can’t let the imported dolphins take over the domestic market. Our economy will be weak enough without that.

Shit I Learned From Poker: Folding Pocket Aces

I wasted a shitload (100 assloads = 10 shitloads = 1 fuckload) of time as a young whippersnapper (it’s my dream to get called a whippersnapper just one more time) playing poker. In middle school, high school, and the first half of college I played every poker game known to man at least once. It’s an arguable point, but a pair of aces in your hand in Texas Hold’Em before the flop is probably the most powerful betting position you can be in when you’re playing poker. In other words the last thing you should do is fold (throw them away).

But I read an old poker book by Doyle Brunson or somebody that said you’re not a real poker player until you fold pocket aces at least once. Because after that, you’ll be able to let go of any hand at any time if you should get out of it. I ended up doing it in college at a casino I went to all the time. When I did it, I showed them to the guy sitting next to me who called me “his nemesis” because I beat him all the time. I’ll never forget the look he gave me when he saw I was throwing away pocket aces. I knew he’d never have the edge on me after that.

At the core of it is the idea that you are bigger, badder, and better than everything. You don’t need lady luck, because you’re going to win anyway. You’re not grateful for every break you get, you know that you deserve them. If anything, luck should be grateful just to be in your presence. If you believe this to the core, nothing will shock you or take you by surprise. Setbacks are just scenic routes to success and luck is when you find the shortcut. No matter what happens, you’re getting there.

Things in life similar to folding pocket aces are: quitting a great job, dumping a great girlfriend, moving away from a great place, leaving a great party, and throwing away a winning lottery ticket. None of them are logical, but you do it to remind yourself that you’re in control.

And remember, when you fold pocket aces, make sure you show them to somebody.

Moving To A New Place Phase III: Establish “Your Places”

Now it’s time to tell those fucking locals what time it is: your time to teach fast lessons to slow learners. If you’ve completed Phase I and Phase II, you’ve caught yourself up to speed on what it takes to be a local. You know the local culture, you have your own opinions on what places/events are cool, and (just as importantly) you have your own opinions on what places suck. I’ve found that in a lot of places I’ve moved to the locals will blab on and on about how good a bar/restaurant is, but in reality it’s just been there forever and it’s living off it’s undeserving reputation. It’s interesting that in DC the locals aren’t really locals and they realize these places (Ben’s Chili Bowl, Eastern Market, etc.) are kind of lame.

Now it’s time to establish your favorite bars, favorite restaurants, and yes, your group of friends. By now you know what’s out there and you understand the culture, you have enough information to make these kinds of decisions. I’ve found that most people skip Phase I and Phase II and try to jump right into Phase III, which is a huge mistake. How can you make friends and become a regular at a bar/restaurant if you don’t know what else is out there? Makes no sense to me. The locals eat those fuckers alive.

By now, you also have enough information to know what the single men/girls are out there and you can begin to adjust your expectations up or down based on what’s out there. By now you’ve let go of your past and all of your exes, so this shouldn’t be hard to do. You are playing a different ballgame in a different city and you need to adjust your expectations accordingly. If you are unwilling to adjust them if you find you need to adjust them downwards you should strongly consider moving. Don’t lie to yourself, it’s unhealthy.

If you’re a woman, look for a target and label him: Option 1. Keep in mind that you should always seem available to him, but you can still pursue Options 2-5 on the side. Girls should have ranked lists of guys in order of their desirability and work their way from the top to the bottom. And men should read better bloggers than me for advice on how to move up the ladder being a player in the city, but it’s still important to know what the three groups of women (put in no work, put in some work, put in a lot of work) look like in your new locale.

Hero How-To: Making A Scene

The other day, I saw something so pathetic I feel emasculated just writing about it. This girl was breaking up with her boyfriend and when she turned to walk away he said, in a moderate voice, “So that’s it? You’re just going to leave me like that?” Then he looked around (for what???), said “I can’t believe it”, and slowly walked away shaking his head.

After I laughed, I realized that he tried to make a scene. But buddy, you made so many mistakes. I mean, when you make a scene, nobody should be laughing at you. They should either be looking away, running away, or laughing at the person causing you to make the scene. Let’s go over what he should have done:

1. Sworn loudly and deliberately. Saying “You FUCKING WHORE!” while pointing at her would have been a good start.
2. Grabbed her like he was going to physically harm her. This would get everyone’s attention, which is the whole fucking point of making a scene in the first place.
3. Screamed at her in an obscenity laced tirade of how much of a slut she is, how ugly she is, and how he cheated on her. It doesn’t matter if any of this is true or even if he plans on getting back together with her, he can always say he got caught up in the moment. Girls forgive tirades shockingly easily.
4. Stop the tirade, give her the Alpha Stare, look like he’s about to hit her, then let her go and walk away slowly and deliberately.
5. Scene made.

For the times in life you need to make a scene, remember the basics:

1. Be loud
2. Swear
3. Appear to be on the brink of physical violence
4. Disregard anything said to you
5. Walk away slowly and deliberately when you’ve made your point

Moving To A New Place Phase II: Explore

Most of this world is made up of losers, poor pathetic losers. If you’re reading this to improve your odds when you move, you are not a loser because you’re willing to take advice from anyone for self-improvement, including blowhards on the internet like me, and you’ll figure out your own plan after taking in all the information you can. Congratulations.

Phase II is the most exciting phase (see Phase I) because you’re still new enough at your job not to get fired for incompetence/hangovers, but you know enough about the city to break hearts and have a good time. Lots of adventure, lots of hooking up with questionable girls, lots of fun. By now you shouldn’t be talking to your friends from home more than once a week or so, you should have a pretty good idea what’s considered cool for locals, and you should have met a bunch of people without becoming great friends with any of them. In other words, you have a full backpack and a map of the land: it’s time to explore.

Based on the available public transportation, ease of parking, and price of gas, figure out a reasonable radius that encompasses everything you can consider “local”. This is your stomping ground, and you have to know it and protect it well. Travel to every part of the stomping ground that has anything in it you are remotely interested in. In DC, I would say the list is something like this: Clarendon, Alexandria waterfront, Crystal City, Georgetown, Cleveland Park, Farragut Square, Dupont Circle, Chinatown, Adams Morgan, U St, H St, Capitol Hill, SW Waterfront, Eastern Market, and Union Station. You’ll read some things saying some of those places suck or some of them are hip and new, but things are always changing, opinions are variable, and you never know until you go. In any case, you should make your opinion on a place; you shouldn’t read it.

You’ll know you’re being successful in Phase II if you’re talking to somebody who’s been a local for 15 years about a local neighborhood/place/event and they don’t know anything about it. The people who have lived in a place their whole lives just assume they know everything about it. But they don’t and if you’re successful in Phase II: you will. Fuck those arrogant locals. This gives you a huge advantage of knowing more than the locals without being a local. Because you don’t have the time to stay in a place for 10 years without feeling like it’s home. There’s way too much shit out there to stay stationary.

Link of the Day: Understanding Suicide

I’ve always found suicide to be a very interesting subject. This article talks about the “hows” of suicide instead of the “whys” that are so often discussed. Really interesting. It makes the obvious but often overlooked point of how illogical people are when they attempt suicide. My favorite passage:

[A man attempting suicide] had picked out a spot on the western promenade that he wanted to jump from, but separated by six lanes of traffic, he was afraid of getting hit by a car on his way there.

You might not know that guns are involved in twice as many suicides as homicides and self-inflicted gun wounds are by far the most effective form of suicide. In studying survivors of these attempts, an astonishing 24% of them decided to shoot themselves within 5 minutes of the attempt. They don’t exactly think it through. So it stands to reason that putting time between when someone decides to commit suicide and when they actually do it will help the situation.

My solution:

Have government run suicide clinics that offer ways to commit suicide not available to the common man like guillotine in public, riding on a missile, and being thrown out of a spaceship with no spacesuit. However, for those who sign up and follow through with suicide, the government will double cross them after they take them into the suicide transport vehicle and force them to eat a pill they are told is cyanide (but is really a strong tranquilizer). Then they will take them to a secret island in the South Pacific where they will be convinced they are in Purgatory and put on television in a show eerily reminiscent of the Truman Show, but there are many more “non-actors” mixed in with the actors. Money from the profits of this show would go into Suicide prevention programs. I’m pretty sure you could get someone bent on committing suicide to sign the forms to make this happen legally. The only question is: who would be against it?