Declaration of Energy Independence

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that the currently proposed “Energy Revolution” is a modern day version of the original American Revolution. The similarities are striking. In both cases, Americans willingly sent money overseas to Kings/Tyrants/Dictators until the monetary amounts increased enough to push Americans past their breaking point. This doesn’t speak something about Americans as much as it does about general human nature.

Individuals and groups comprised of individuals (redundancy alert) will take a surprising amount of shit before they are motivated to take action. I’m convinced that the Alpha-ness of the individual (or group) is inversely proportional to the amount of shit they take before they kick their attackers in the balls. Unfortunately, the modern world doesn’t allow us to be the alpha dogs we should be where we go around kicking countries in the balls if they fuck with us. This is because we’re foolishly dependent on countries we should be kicking in the balls like a kid who gets his allowance from a stepfather who won’t pay him unless he calls him ‘dad’. This charade has gone on long enough.

It’s time we start laundering 10’s at McDonalds from that kid to prints them down the street so we can start kicking our stepfather in the balls when he says “don’t call me Bill, call me Dad”. Of course it’s not like we’re the only ones scheming here. You might have missed it because of it’s unforgivable under-coverage, but the Saudi’s left OPEC last week. That certainly helps things, but we have a little ways to go before we can tell Israel “good luck with the Middle East, hope it works out for you”. Honestly, our Beta support of Israel is the most embarrassing thing about America. There’s probably some reason they have us by the balls outside of their ability to strike Arab oil-states with nuclear weapons. Because otherwise, supporting them through thick and thin makes us look like their little bitch.

Ugh, I know a lot of readers who make it to this point will be pissed because they think this is boring. But politics and picking up women are so strikingly similar to each other. The lies, the great first impressions, the ability to tell people exactly what they want to hear… and now that HD is taking hold and we’re getting good-looking politicians involved, it’s getting more exciting than ever. Or maybe it’s just this whole DC-bubble thing.

In any case, I’m going on a backpacking trip for a few weeks to see what kind of a bubble I’m really in. I’ve gotten some verbal/e-mail agreements from some readers to provide some guest posts in my absence, but I welcome all submissions (helpmehero@gmail.com). There are no real guidelines, but I suggest you write something on a topic that people usually disagree on and argue your point of view while you point out the retardedness of people with the opposite view.

Listen Sunshine, Give Me a Second Here

Lewis Black said that blogging is like jerking off in front of a mirror, and videotaping it so you can jerk off to it later. I don’t really get it, but I think it’s fucking hilarious. Here are some blog posts that I started writing, but never actually materialized into anything more than a sentence or two:

• Anyone who’s been to the Holocaust Museum and didn’t smirk at the overstuffed donation box or the huge wall of prominent donors is a better person than me. It’s also interesting how the issue of genocide is more or less removed from the American Indian museum.

• Anyone who tailgates and changes lanes in heavy traffic is trying to win the Rat Race. Nobody wins a Rat Race.

• Being successful with women isn’t just acting like an Alpha male all the time. It’s about being able to act like an Alpha male or an Androgynous male based on the situation, and being able to switch between the two personas seamlessly at the right moment.

• I think I might be terminally ill because 18 year old girls aren’t hot to me the same way they used to be and I have no explanation why this is. The 35 year old guy who was dating this girl from my high school (when we were in high school) told me this would never happen. Randy, where are you now? I miss you.

• girlsaskguys.com is becoming my favorite website. Think you need credentials to dole out dating advice to 16 year old girls? Think again!

• This recent opinion piece from Gary Becker and this response from Richard Posner present two informed and insightful viewpoints on a topic that uninformed dipshits love talking about: The Decline of America. It’s also one of the best blogs on the internet because it’s run by two University of Chicago Senior Faculty members who know what they’re talking about.

• I started this blog 8 months ago hoping I could somehow parlay it into becoming a YouTube star while expecting to at least keep myself entertained. Now, my stat deal tells me that an average of 500 people come to this site every day. To be honest, that freaks me out more than it makes me proud, but as long as it entertains you, more power to you. And let me just say this: if you agree with everything I write, you have some serious psychological problems. I’m not even kidding.

Hero How-To: Making A Scene

The other day, I saw something so pathetic I feel emasculated just writing about it. This girl was breaking up with her boyfriend and when she turned to walk away he said, in a moderate voice, “So that’s it? You’re just going to leave me like that?” Then he looked around (for what???), said “I can’t believe it”, and slowly walked away shaking his head.

After I laughed, I realized that he tried to make a scene. But buddy, you made so many mistakes. I mean, when you make a scene, nobody should be laughing at you. They should either be looking away, running away, or laughing at the person causing you to make the scene. Let’s go over what he should have done:

1. Sworn loudly and deliberately. Saying “You FUCKING WHORE!” while pointing at her would have been a good start.
2. Grabbed her like he was going to physically harm her. This would get everyone’s attention, which is the whole fucking point of making a scene in the first place.
3. Screamed at her in an obscenity laced tirade of how much of a slut she is, how ugly she is, and how he cheated on her. It doesn’t matter if any of this is true or even if he plans on getting back together with her, he can always say he got caught up in the moment. Girls forgive tirades shockingly easily.
4. Stop the tirade, give her the Alpha Stare, look like he’s about to hit her, then let her go and walk away slowly and deliberately.
5. Scene made.

For the times in life you need to make a scene, remember the basics:

1. Be loud
2. Swear
3. Appear to be on the brink of physical violence
4. Disregard anything said to you
5. Walk away slowly and deliberately when you’ve made your point

Haters

Europeans hating the U.S. is often perceived as a fact of life. In my experience, it’s mainly the Europeans that are likely to interact with the outside world who are most Anti-American. These people are the socially and economically well-off class of people. The high class. Since class mobility is lower in Europe and wealth is spread out more evenly than almost as unequally distributed as it is in the U.S., this high class of people can get on their high horse and tell us how we’re wrong about everything without worrying about the poor taking their places. Nevermind that about 200 years of bad German philosophy is really to blame for the collapse of Europe, I don’t want the facts to stand in their way or anything.

Anyway, I don’t want to examine the how’s or why’s of Anti-Americanism. I want to talk about an issue that started in the rap community and has spread to bitter people worldwide: Hating.

Urban Dictionary defines hating as:

A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesnt really want to be the person he or she hates, rather the hater wants to knock someone else down a notch.

What an awful trait to have. In my experience, haters need to get laid. That’s pretty much at the core of it. I think people like to take others down a notch because they think it will help them get the ass they want. This makes me want to buy “Hating won’t get you laid” t-shirts, or just say that into a hater’s face at the very least. But if I do that, am I just hating a hater? That’s even worse. How the hell are we supposed to deal with haters?

The answer is pretty simple and not too exciting. Ignore the haters. If you’re feeling particularly bored, thank them for hating because it reduces your boredom and they spread your message further than any non-hater ever could. In fact, I propose a Hater Appreciation Day of May 3rd. This is because Cinco de Mayo falls on a Monday this year and we have to party on the 3rd for the “observed” holiday. Observed holidays are for losers, it’s better to create a new holiday and celebrate on that day.

Flirting Tactic: Alpha Stare

Nothing says “I mean business” like an Alpha Stare. It identifies you as a predator to your prey, and girls love it. The fact women are relatively unafraid of a predator stare makes me think that many of them were eaten by lions in ancient times. You know, like, after they had children or something.

Anyway, an Alpha Stare demonstrates undivided attention, in it’s purest form, to your, uh, prey. I’m pretty sure a girl’s happiness is directly proportional to the amount of attention paid to her. Focus on the area on her forehead in between her eyes but an inch or so above the eyes. And don’t avert your eyes for any external distractions, this is a power stare.

Just remember, women fall in love with their kidnappers (that Swedish thing) and their mental and emotional abusers. Let’s just avoid the ‘physical abusers’ category by saying it-is-what-it-is. So girls have no problem falling in love with predators. Don’t be afraid to narrow your eyelids and look like you’re getting ready for a fight because you are getting ready for a fight. Flirting is a battle of wills, don’t ever forget that. You just have to hide it behind some polite gestures.

Another thing I like to do is move my eyes first then have my head follow my eyes. I’m not really sure why I like this, but it seems to have an effect. The girl notices that she caught your attention before she captivated you. I mean, let’s be honest here, I look at a lot of things but I don’t turn my head to focus on just anything.

The Art of Not Giving a Fuck

There are many skills every person should have in their arsenal. Being a Grand Master of the Art of Not Giving a Fuck is one of the most overlooked and, consequently, under appreciated of these skills. At its core, it is the idea that you don’t need any external validation for your actions, opinions, or emotions. Others don’t define your reasons for doing anything, you do. And if they get misinterpreted, that won’t affect your decisions.

A lot of it is living in your own reality. This allows you to control internal emotions and be ambivalent to the outcome of events. It’s power in the rawest sense.

For example, if a girl/boy (I like how I said ‘boy’ instead of ‘guy’) doesn’t return your phone calls, you get totally rejected by an unattractive person, or someone calls you a ‘worthless human being whose own selfishness dwarfs every other emotion and feeling in your life’: the natural response would be a defensive one. This could be panicking, getting angry, or crying like the little baby you wish you still were. However, I can say that personally, I find nothing more gratifying and powerful than taking a different route by embracing the Zen of ‘not giving a fuck’.

Now, I think there’s two types of not giving a fuck: pretending you don’t give a fuck (defensive, weak) and really not giving a fuck (powerful, strong).

The key to the second one is being a selfish asshole whose own personal satisfaction will not be affected by the actions and words of the mortals who foolishly act aggressively towards you in life. I mean, who the fuck do they think they are messing with your shit like that anyway? Give me a fucking break.

It never ceases to amaze me that most of the people who try to give me advice in life are failures in life. Those same people won’t take advice from you. I think those are the group of people who make aggressive moves towards you in an effort to define your reality. If that’s true, there’s nothing they can do or say to bother me. I don’t have to pretend to not give a fuck what they think.

Body Language

While I find the tips and musings of those in the pick-up-artist community to be mostly uninformative or nothing overly spectacular, I was taken aback a little bit by this ‘Cajun’ character I saw videos of. I got them from here: videos. To read this blog post below, you at least have to watch this video here: awesome video. Here’s a link to Cajun’s (the guy in the video) blog: Cajun’s Spice.

His mastery of body language, instead of over-reliance on making a big scene or using lines he read somewhere, is astounding to watch. See, the problem with reading tips from most pickup artists is that they won’t help you with super-hot girls. A pickup guide is great if you look like Quasimodo and you want to lose your virginity. If you’re a decent looking guy who can hold a conversation, you can accomplish that by existing. Mastering body language is key to taking it to the next level. And remember, no matter where you’re at, there’s always a next level.

It’s not surprising that Cajun attributes his success to knowledge of ‘Advanced Body Language‘. You can see it in the aforementioned awesome video: the coy look, the eyebrows, the gangsta lean, the dominant eye contact. At first, it might seem like he’s moving too frantically or using lines too much, but I figure they had to do a lot of editing to shorten it for TV. All that really matters is the girl’s reaction to him. Even though she’s clearly out of his league if you put their photos side by side, she’s convinced he’s only asking her for her number to be nice because he’s not really interested. Well played, sir.
To get to my real point, I’ve found that body language is both:

1. An incredibly powerful form of communication
2. Passed off as insignificant and unimportant by almost everyone I mention it to

The best way I can explain #2 is to say that people think it’s just a big joke. Like it’s totally fake and unbelievable. When I mention the power of body language, I get a reaction like I was saying I believed in Santa Claus. I think more people believe 9/11 conspiracies than believe in the power of body language.

Try giving the Alpha Stare to someone who’s pissing you off or to a girl you want to intimidate a little bit. Focus your gaze in the triangular area between both eyes and the center of their forehead and keep it there. This keeps those proverbial screws on them. As long as you keep the stare above their eye level, you’ll be keeping the pressure on them. Look like as much of a predator (don’t blink too much, narrow your eyelids) to maximize it’s effect.

Getting Defensive

I got paid the highest compliment the other day: “you never get defensive”. I’d never heard that one before, but it got me to thinking how damning it is to get defensive in an argument or anytime you are challenged. It might be the single most beta thing you can do (ok, that’s an overstatement).

Let’s say someone questions why you get so emotional in arguments. Getting defensive here, bringing your voice up an octave and repeating the same words used in the question: “I don’t get emotional in arguments” just disproves your contention. You just confirmed you’re a whiny bitch who doesn’t have any confidence in disproving the interrogator because they obviously hit a weak spot. You appear (and are) unprepared for the attack, and it makes you look vulnerable and pathetic. Men getting defensive over criticism from a female is just awful. I feel personally embarrassed when I witness it.

Instead of getting defensive, it’s better to either:

1. Ignore the attacker, roll your eyes
2. Agree with the attacker and leave them on the attack. If you listen intently enough and they go on talking for long enough, they will eventually contradict themselves. Then you can simply point this out. This is kind of like that Simpsons episode where Homer was a boxer and all he did was wait for the other guy to get tired before he pushed him over. This is a great way to win almost any argument. Very few people can put together a consistent attack where they don’t contradict themselves.
3. Fight fire with fire and go on the attack. Make sure you attack your attacker on something that hits them harder than what they are hitting you with. They will most likely go on the defensive. Oh, how the proverbial tables have turned (side note, where the hell did “tables turning” come from anyway?).

“Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go.” – Oprah Winfrey :0

I’d like to thank Hillary Clinton’s emotional and defensive stance on Obama’s NAFTA accusations for providing the perfect picture for this blog post.

Calling An Audible

In football, the quaterback calls an audible when the defense presents an unexpected challenge and he needs to readjust his team’s strategy based on the new information he has. In HeroTalk (and urban dictionary, of course), ‘Calling An Audible’ is defined as coming up with a new plan (in mere seconds) when the original plan goes awry. You can be by yourself when you call an audible, you don’t have to be with a team per se. Since you alone constitute a team, you can call audibles for yourself. However, even if you’re by yourself you have to call the audible out loud because, for God’s sake, it’s an ‘audible’.  There are a few different ways the original plan can go awry (be too fucked up to remain as the plan). For fun, I’ll make a list:

1. When a significant part of the team doesn’t want to execute the original plan anymore. When I say ‘significant part’ I don’t mean ‘large percentage’, since there’s only a few key members of a group who’s opinions matter anyway. Followers opinions never count. And, of course, if you’re the only one who doesn’t like the original plan, this situation applies. You, by yourself, are a significant part of the team. These are 90% of audible situations.
2. When the team arrives at the location the plan was supposed to take place, the plan can no longer take place for logistical reasons. Good examples of this are if the place is closed or the place doesn’t actually exist. Big time dissapointment. The old plan is dead, and a new plan needs to be audibled.
3. When circumstances present themselves that make the plan impossible without urgent and remarkable effort, often under excruciating circumstances, but the plan is still viable.

In all of these cases, it’s time to step up and call an audible. I always make this clear when I do it by prefacing my audible with “I’m calling an audible…” to let the team know that the plan is changing. The key to calling a good audible is pretty simple: your team needs to be really excited about the audible being called. Leadership is paramount.

Calling an audible is my 3rd favorite life activity after 1. Reading racist jokes on the internet and 2. Asian sex. As such, I’d highly recommend it. I called an audible the other day when I was driving to work. It was 71° in the middle of February, and I didn’t want to go to work. I called an audible, picked somebody up, and drove into the Shenandoahs instead for a day in the mountains.

This act is closely related to the basic life principle of never getting trapped into doing something you don’t want to do, no matter how long you’ve planned for it or how many people are doing it. Some people would say avoiding a task like that at the last minute and “calling an audible” is immature and childish. Those people would be right. But fuck them, they won’t be ready for the other 10% of audible situations.

99% of Relationship Problems are the Man’s Fault

I am completely sick of hearing guys I know bitch about problems with their relationships. She’s flirting with other guys, she talks about her ex, she has psychological problems, I don’t trust her, our sex frequency/satisfaction/variety isn’t good, we have too many arguments, money troubles (this might be an exception to what I’m suggesting, I have to think about it), we never do what I want to do, she won’t let me (fill in the blank), she cheated on me … I mean, fuck. Look in the mirror when you say these things so you can realize how much of a bitch you sound like. To solve all of your relationship problems, there’s one magical thing you can do: Be a man.

If you don’t know how to be a man, you have to at least fool her by acting like a man. Watch a movie with an alpha-male role (Denzel Washington in American Gangster is a movie you should watch anyway) and try to act as much like that character as possible. Talk slowly and in as deep of a voice as you can muster, and don’t be afraid to appear to be on the threshold of a violent outburst. Put that woman in her place, she’s begging you to do it by causing outrageous drama that keeps you away from your important obligations.

Remember, her world revolves around you. She talks about you, thinks about you, and fantasizes about you. Ignoring her when she does something unacceptable (like if she flirts on the phone with her ex in your presence, this happened to a guy I know) will be quickly understood by the girl because women are such subtle, fragile, attention-hungry creatures (no woman hate intended). She should have to do something to earn your valuable attention. By ‘something’, I mean ‘a lot of things’.

But yeah, I’m not a girl-power advocate or anything, but I do agree that pretty much every relationship issue (from either the man’s or woman’s side) can be solved by the man being a man instead of being a needy desperate bitch. I know this isn’t exactly a scientific breakthrough or anything, but I’ve been hearing a lot of whining and bitching lately. And if you think can’t solve the relationship problems by being a man, then you’re wrong because you need to be a man and leave that bitch where you found her: in a high school parking lot right outside of Bethesda.

“She cheated on me, but we’re working through that.” I mean, buddy, if that’s your reaction then you shouldn’t wonder why she cheated on you. Bottom line: Be a man.