Captain Planet Theory

 

you'll pay for this captain planet!!!

 

 

Growing up, kids are taught that everybody is good at something at the expense of being good at something else. This was best exemplified by the 5 Planeteers (who were later shamelessly copied by the Power Rangers). As a more specific example, Wheeler was a bumbling fool (note his untied shoelace in the picture) who knew next to nothing about saving the planet, but somehow his good heart and fighting spirit redeemed him as a powerful ranger. While this is certainly ridiculous and borderline outrageous, it’s perfectly acceptable for a children’s TV show to tell every kid they can be the best at something.

What bothers me is how people grow up and still believe this. You hear it all the time:

1. He might be rich, but he doesn’t enjoy life as much as I do.
2. He might be good-looking, but he’s not as funny as  I am.
3. He might be a great cook, it’s but only because his parents taught him how to cook, I never had that opportunity
4. He might have gone to a great school, but I’m smarter than he is
5. Tom Brady might have millions of dollars, a supermodel wife, and fingers filled with Superbowl rings, but I bet he’d trade it all for the freedom I have in public.

The list literally goes on forever and gets more and more outrageous. Basically, the formula is:

 

• _____ has X but Y

 

When X has no correlation at all to Y. Take #2 as an example. Why does being funny have anything to do with being good-looking? “Oh well, if you’re ugly you have to be funny to get by”. No, fuck that, that isn’t true. If Jerry Seinfeld was a fat, balding Jew he would not have been funnier as a result. In fact, the opposite is probably true. Creating observational comedy about real-life situations (generally perceived as the funniest comedy) requires actual experiences. These are experiences that ugly people don’t have. 

Ugly people don’t have experiences, they make them up. They sit in a room by themselves and create all kinds of “possible scenarios” that they think are funny because, to them, it’s just as possible that these scenarios and real-life scenarios will happen. Here’s a comic from a strangely popular website (XKCD) that illustrates my point here:

 

I'm not laughing because I don't get it, I'm not laughing because it isn't funny

Oh wow, it’s observational comedy on a ridiculous contrived situation that requires Wikipedia-first-paragraph knowledge of Fibonacci Numbers to understand. ISN’T THAT FUNNY? FUCK NO!

 

95% of the people who laugh at this will never come close to getting married. The other 5%: Battle Trolls

Conclusion: there are more “Captain Planets” out there than Planeteers. Most of the time, the people who are better than you at something are better than you at mostly everything. The guy who is better than you at X is probably smarter than you, funnier than you, enjoys life more than you, and (with some practice) could kick your ass at whatever it is you’re best at. 

Also, that person is not ugly or fat. Did Gaia give those rings to any ugly fat kids? Fuck no.

Segue

Wow, it’s been a whirlwind. I’ll say this though: don’t pass up any chances you have of visiting the former Yugoslavia because you will most certainly not be disappointed. I didn’t get a chance to post this earlier, but loyal reader Monica sent this in whilst I was away. I have my comment on it in the comment section, where comments belong.

Title: Segways…

Today while walking to the neighborhood market, a middle-aged couple whizzed past my roommate and me on two segways. They were stone-faced, expression-less, as if it was completely normal to see your neighbors riding segways on sidewalks for leisure and we were really surprised. I had heard stories of sales of vespas and motorbikes rising, but I hadn’t seen that segway sales and inquiries have risen too, at rates of 40-50% over the past few years.  

In fact, segways are no longer just for policemen and city workers, but now Jane, Dick and Harry are buying them too. They are also being used by tourists everywhere from Chicago to Zambia, as the tourism community harnesses them for their benefit.  At a cost of $5,000, it is steep for most people, but as gas prices are rising, more and more grow interested. At a cost of approximately 1 cent per mile, it’s cost efficiency is alluring.  They are also convenient to recharge in your home after ever 25 miles. http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/energy/2008-06-16-segway_N.htm

Some people say they buy segways to use them instead of their cars, but segways are not completely substitutable for cars for several reasons: a) you have no covering, so riding a segway in bad weather is not advisable, b) there is no storage space on a segway, c) you can only go 12.5 miles, d) they are only made for one person, and e) where the hell do you park a segway securely??? For these reasons, it would not make sense for most people to get rid of all of their cars to buy segways, and thus, segways are best rented by tourists to see cities or bought by affluent singles or couples who can afford to have both segways and at least one car, or for affluent singles or couples living in an urban area where people don’t need cars.

Some people may think segways are great for America to transition to as popularity rises > leading to supply rises > leading to falling prices. This is based on the idea that America will become less dependent on foreign oil. But are segways really good for America? 

The likelihood that men and women in America exercise on any given day, accoring to the US Bureau of Labor and Statistics, is 21 and 16 percent respectively — pretty low rates. http://www.bls.gov/news.release/atus.nr0.htm

If segways are not perfect substitutes for cars, they are more perfect substitutes for walking and biking, two ways in which average Americans who don’t enjoy exercising or who have trouble making time for it are able to expend calories. As my roommate says, “if you can segway, you should be walking or biking anyway,”  based on the argument that segways are only really useful for touring,  novelty purposes, or for traveling relatively short distances, since their speed is only 2-3 times faster than walking and they require use of paths or sidewalks instead of roads. 

People are even riding them through nature trails. On one hand, it is lessening our dependence on foreign oil, but on the other, it is also making a sedative lifestyle easier for some, as they creep into suburbia and start replacing walking and biking. 

Is America doomed to become a nation of overweight segway riders or is this a passing trend like slap-bracelets and razor scooters?

http://www.negotiationlawblog.com/segway.jpg

The Fat Mentality

In the comment section for Fat Girls I started to explain the ‘Fat Mentality’. It’s an attitude of failure most often seen in fat people, but also seen in others. Together, let’s call these people Fat Mentality Individuals (FMIs). The Mentality is most obvious to me when I see somebody who used to be fat but hasn’t adjusted to being normal sized yet: a true FMI specimen.

That picture above is of Star Jones, the poster-woman for this idea who was fired from the View after losing 160 pounds to be replaced by a new FMI: Rosie O’Donnell. Everybody on the View loved Fat Star Jones, but when she kept the Fat Mentality after power shredding blubber, things changed, and suddenly Star wasn’t the non-threatening fattie American soccer-moms knew and loved. She was just a loudmouth who didn’t know how to handle the different type of attention: the envy of other women. FMIs have no experience of envy directed at them, it always travels in the other direction.

Let’s make a list of Fat Mentality traits, feel free to play along at home, I’m sure we all know some good ones:

1. They draw attention to themselves in a childish way
2. If they get the aforementioned attention, they don’t have the composure to handle the spotlight
3. The spiral is simple: instant gratification, excuse, failure. Cheating on a diet to eat a pint of Chunky Monkey is a microcosm of the larger and more pervasive Fat Mentality.
4. Inability to deal with complex emotions, largely because they haven’t had much experience with them. Let’s be honest here, Fat People haven’t felt the same dizzying highs and lows of love as the rest of society. Skinny FMIs also find themselves in this situation.
5. Nonsensical deep sentimental attachments to movie characters, television shows, and animals. FMIs tend to place these things above their relationships with those around them. I would like to believe this one isn’t true.
6. No patience, especially for self-improvement. I hate people like that. When it comes down to it, FMIs are mounds of unpleasant crybaby. I could keep this list going for hours, literally.

I have my own theory about how FMIs end up with this Fat Mentality: inability to deal with failure. The only way I can see for fatties to avoid the Fat Mentality is to have the type of self-confidence that revolves around self-criticism with no fear of failure. The only way to do this is through colossal failure followed by redemption. I think both fat and skinny FMIs had formative years littered with small failures, but never had those big, life-changing failures. I can say I’ve never met an FMI who could take failure in stride, a trait observed in those who have successfully dealt with failure in the past.

…

P.S.: if you weren’t aware, there’s a fatosphere of bloggers out there who are fat-screaming (you know what I mean) how they have every right to be fat while questioning the health effects of being fat. They have holidays like No Lose Weight Day and National Donut Day. I didn’t have to go far to find the CDC’s opinion on that one. Answer me this, fatosphere: why are you wasting your time and lives fighting for a losing cause? Do you realize that you will always be hated by people who diet and exercise to stay thin? Those who diet and exercise believe that being fat is reversible and losing weight is a positive step in life for many reasons. Your polar opposite view is, well, polarizing and standoffish.

Fat people aren’t the only ones who diet, hate to break it to you. Is the aforementioned group wrong for dieting? Are you morally opposed to them? Do you even realize that the competing ideologies are natural enemies and they significantly outnumber you?

If you really believe that you’re genetically disposed to be fat, you have to find a way to be genetically tested and labeled as such. This is the ONLY way the slim, dieting population will ever accept you and not discriminate against you (which, I believe, is your goal). The slim, non-dieters don’t care about you either way. And tell me fatties, how long does it take to get off when you can get 1/2″ of penetration?

Fat Girls

I knew this girl in High School who was morbidly obese. She had an eating disorder. She ate too much. Sometime during college (or the time she would have been in college if she went) she got gastric bypass surgery and she got down to a normal weight.

When I saw her at her normal weight, she wasn’t very attractive. Still below average. I postulated that her general unattractiveness had a hand in why she was so overweight in High School. Oh, and she still acted like a fat girl. Totally didn’t know how to act as a non-obese member of society.

This has me thinking about girls who starve themselves to get thin. Whether bulimic or anorexic, I feel like they need some advice on how to do it at the least. I mean, I’m all for giving clean needles to heroin addicts. Why not give some good advice on how to do an eating disorder correctly?

The problem I see with most of them is that they look unhealthy due to malnourishment. I mean, at least have a multi-vitamin with that water. Isn’t starving yourself a bad way to lose weight anyway? I have no idea. I’ve just found myself in a position where I’m writing about something I know very little about. I’m just another one of those bloggers who writes shit about something they are ill-informed about. Sorry about that.

Food Prices Rising, Fat People Terrified

With all the news focused on politics (a White couple worth over $100M calling a Black man “out of touch” with less fortunate Americans is beyond ironic), you may have missed the Global outrage over rising food prices. I mean, there are riots breaking out all around the world, pushing many poorer countries into dangerously unstable situations that threaten Global security. Maybe that should be a bigger story here in the U.S., call me crazy.

Anyway, like most people who read the news, you might be wondering: “How does this affect me?” Well, I’m glad you asked. This is such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make advances against the Fat People that I’m actually giddy with excitement. Here’s exactly what should happen:

• Impose a Stoplight Tax on all foods deemed to be ‘Terrifically Unhealthy’

What’s a Stoplight Tax? It works like this: every year you get a checkup with a personal care physician. From looking at you, he will be able to tell with 99% certainty if you fall into the Green, Yellow, or Red “health zones”. If you’re in the Green zone, you get an ID card or something, and when you show it you don’t have to pay the tax for Terrifically Unhealthy foods. If you’re in the Yellow zone (moderately unhealthy, definitely unattractive), you have to pay a 50% tax on those foods. And the Red zone (disgustingly obese, ~40% of US population): you have to pay a 500% tax on the aforementioned foods.

It goes without saying that in the event you don’t have your ID card with you or you never got one to begin with, the guy at the checkout counter will take your picture and assign you a zone. These pictures will be placed on the internet where everyone will vote for their favorite Red Zoners.

This revolutionary tax will reduce unhealthy food consumption to the point where we will have an excess of unhealthy foods. Then, we can ship them overseas to the rioting poor people, but only if they agree to let us put military bases there, give us access to their natural resources, and sign pro-US trade agreements. Those governments will have no choice. Wait, I think we’re doing this already.

Eventually, the Red Zoners will have to move into the Yellow Zone or move to Canada where they won’t impose Stoplight Taxes. They’ll just have high food prices for everyone and free heathcare for all Red Zoners. Combining that with the fat-friendly climate, Canada is a fantasy land for Red Zoners. Maybe they’ll even dress one of the bigger ones in a hockey goalie uniform and have them lay in front of the goal to completely block all incoming shots. Why has this not been done already?

Chicks With Short Hair

Holy shit, nothing makes a girl more instantly unattractive than having short hair. Out of the 15-20 girls who I saw before and after getting a short haircut, approximately 0% of them looked better with short hair. Actually, exactly 0% of them looked better with short hair. It sucks, and it should be outlawed from this country.

Since the DC Hero is all about action because he’s had enough of the dialogue, let’s move on from the discussion about whether or not girls should have short hair, agree that they shouldn’t, and think about how we can reverse this disturbing phenomenon.

I propose blatant discrimination of all girls under the age of 30 who are not married and have hair shorter than ‘shoulder-length’. Exceptions will be made in extraordinary circumstances. If you feel you qualify for such an exception, send an email with a picture to helpmehero at gmail dot com and, if prompted, be prepared to show up in person at my Arlington headquarters on the Sunday following your email for an inspection. A passed inspection will exempt you for a year. 2 years if you ‘ace’ it.

Now what happens if you have hair shorter than the discriminatory length and you don’t have an exception? I have an army of Mexicans working at almost every restaurant in the greater Washington metro area. They are equipped with castor oil vials that they are currently testing on the fat people I’m trying to get rid of. (Yeah, fatty, eat those mashed potatoes. You’ll regret you ever ate anything 2 hours from now.) You could go to a restaurant where no Mexicans work in the back. Good luck with that one. I’ll sick them on you like skinny White boys on Asian girls.

There’s no worse feeling than chronic diarrhea. I almost wish that being forced to take diarrhea-inducing medication was a sentence for a crime, or used in conjunction with a jail sentence. I mean, what crime would be equivalent to being on the john for 8 hours a day with chronic diarrhea for something like 3 years? Man, that’s disgusting. Too bad for you that I don’t read or edit this stuff before I post it.

Relationship Practice Month

Practice may be defined as working to master something. But ‘Relationship Practice Month’ isn’t about mastering relationships, it’s about entering a relationship at the optimal time and getting out (if necessary) at the optimal time. That’s the stated goal. It’s the best time to practice a relationship while inflicting the least amount of collateral damage.

You probably don’t know this because I made it up without telling anybody, but we are currently at the approximate halfway point of Relationship Practice Month. It’s not a month according to the Gregorian calendar, but it does depend on the Gregorian calendar. It runs from the Ides of January (January 13th) to the Day after Valentine’s Day (February 15th). I originally planned it to end on the Ides of February, but that turned out to be on the 13th and we all know Valentine’s Day is the perfect final gauntlet for RPM.

It’s the perfect time of year for this sort of thing for a few reasons, let’s make a list (men’s list):

1. It’s cold outside, and fatties have taken over your primary and secondary pick-up establishments. Your tertiary pick-up establishment is an empty, barren wasteland for reasons you don’t fully understand. And your quaternary and final option is just too fucking expensive. Church may be option (I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never tried it), but I think it would be tough because you don’t have the awesome power of alcohol and darkness to help you.
2. No Christmas/Kwanzaa/Jew-day presents to buy
3. No need to adjust your New Year’s plans
4. It’s a good opportunity to rest up for the Spring mating season
5. Less random sex happens during RPM than at any other time during the year. Probably.
6. It’s the most depressing period of the year. January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. I know this because it’s my birthday.
7. No girls in skimpy clothing
8. It’s always dark out
9. You achieve a side goal of building up jealousy in girls who are teetering on the edge of wanting your love in time for the Spring mating season. Being ‘taken’ at some point is beneficial for you, and it might as well be during RPM.

Look, you need a break from the game at least every once in awhile to re-tool while you plot your comeback with a vengeance. In fact, don’t call it a comeback. All things considered, it’s the optimal time to take a breather. Even for girls this works.

Time for the girls list:

1. The extra clothing doesn’t help you
2. It’s the most depressing period of the year. January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. I know this because it’s my birthday.
3. If there’s ever a time to give ‘that guy’ a shot, it’s during RPM

You may currently be thinking: “if I missed out on RPM, when is the next best time to stop gaming, I need a break from this shit”. Right after Valentine’s Day. Obviously.

‘Trading down’ is usually a crucial, unfortunate but necessary element of RPM. And it may be highly unlikely that the stars will align for you in time for RPM. However, if all of the necessary elements fall into place, this is the scientifically proven best time of the year for RPM.

Growing My Hair Out: A Scientific Study

A few months ago, I decided to grow my hair out. This was a marked change from my previous hairstyle, which I can only describe as ‘military’. This decision was motivated by success I had at looking older after growing and maintaining the awesome facial hair that I currently sport. In related news, women dictate that men should look to be 26-30 years old. The lesson with the facial hair was to not knock anything before I try it, even if I think it looks awful. This decision was also motivated by a question I ask myself before I decide to do anything out of the ordinary: “Why the fuck not?”

So, anyway, I’ve transformed into a very terrorist-looking middle eastern man. Somewhat surprisingly, this goes over well with my target female demographic of hot nerds with glasses (think Rachel Leigh Cook in She’s All That before the transformation). It’s also a conversation piece I carry with me everywhere.

When prompted, I make up reasons for why I’m growing it out. This is fun for reasons that really shouldn’t have to be explained. My favorite reason I came up with was that it’s part of a personal go-green initiative where I am turning down my thermostat by 2 degrees and growing extra hair to compensate for the heat differential. This is not only clever and humorous, but it additionally hides my true goal of warming our planet to move the fat people to Canada where they can get free health care for their fat people problems.

Most importantly, my wild hairstyle has led me to be more free-spirited in the same way that being in shape leads people to be more active.

“I do what I want” – Eric Cartman

Bars in Winter

Bars change dramatically when Winter (defined as having a weather.com “feels-like” temperature below 35 degrees Fahrenheit) comes. The streets are almost empty, no one will wait in line to get in anywhere, outdoor parts of bars are closed or enclosed, girls are bundled up, everyone is worried about someone stealing their jacket (which has happened to me no less than twice), and for once the fat people aren’t sweating because it’s FUCKING FREEZING.

In my experience, when fat people aren’t busy sweating or being sick, they’re either eating or drinking alcohol. Therefore, while summertime is an optimal time to go out for fit individuals, the Winter is equally optimal for fat people. They can wear more clothes to cover up unsightly pounds, they can avoid sweat and associated body odor, and they are naturally immune to the cold. More importantly, they can safely prowl while fit individuals are busy hibernating. You might ask: “But, DC Hero: what can we do to stop the fatties from taking over public areas during the Winter months?”

There’s only one answer: Global Warming. It’s the only way. Stop giving your money to charity. Instead, use your extra cash to buy as much gasoline (or diesel if possible, I think it works better) as you can afford and set it ablaze at the highest point above sea level you can transport the gasoline to. This will help the carbon dioxide get to the upper atmosphere where it works best. Try to breathe as much as possible when doing this to produce even more carbon dioxide. If Al Gore is right, and by God I hope he is, we’re on a tipping point with Global Warming and even the slightest increases in carbon dioxide production will crank up the heat in this bitch big time.

Do it for your country. Do it for the skinny bitches. And do it because we need to keep fat people where they belong: not in public.