A few months ago, I decided to grow my hair out. This was a marked change from my previous hairstyle, which I can only describe as ‘military’. This decision was motivated by success I had at looking older after growing and maintaining the awesome facial hair that I currently sport. In related news, women dictate that men should look to be 26-30 years old. The lesson with the facial hair was to not knock anything before I try it, even if I think it looks awful. This decision was also motivated by a question I ask myself before I decide to do anything out of the ordinary: “Why the fuck not?”
So, anyway, I’ve transformed into a very terrorist-looking middle eastern man. Somewhat surprisingly, this goes over well with my target female demographic of hot nerds with glasses (think Rachel Leigh Cook in She’s All That before the transformation). It’s also a conversation piece I carry with me everywhere.
When prompted, I make up reasons for why I’m growing it out. This is fun for reasons that really shouldn’t have to be explained. My favorite reason I came up with was that it’s part of a personal go-green initiative where I am turning down my thermostat by 2 degrees and growing extra hair to compensate for the heat differential. This is not only clever and humorous, but it additionally hides my true goal of warming our planet to move the fat people to Canada where they can get free health care for their fat people problems.
Most importantly, my wild hairstyle has led me to be more free-spirited in the same way that being in shape leads people to be more active.
“I do what I want” – Eric Cartman