Category Archives: Science

A Perfect Storm for Genius


Facts and misconceptions are taught together. It’s one of the most basic tenets of knowledge in any field that is worth studying since there are obviously gaps and unanswered questions in… well, pretty much everything. 

Few would argue that the “genius” tag is not overused or, at the least, that it isn’t misused. But, to paraphrase Richard Price: the path of theory is, in the beginning, pointed down a reasonable path. Along the way, well-intentioned yet misguided minds guide the theory down the only path they can see, making assumptions along the way that lead the theory into a “wall”: a contradiction. Eventually, the pressure builds as evidence is proved on both sides of the contradiction.

A great historical example was the pre-Copernican astronomical assumption that the Earth was at the center of the Solar System. The astronomers developed extraordinarily complex sets of equations to describe the motion of the Sun and the planets around the Earth to massage the theory into the illusion of working. However, as measurements became more precise, the contradictions started to arise. Then, of course, a genius in the truest sense in Nicolaus Copernicus disproved a fundamental and widely accepted assumption to reveal a simple and (non-relativistically) perfect theory of planetary motion: the Earth orbits the Sun. 

The knowledgeable reader may point out that Copernicus had predecessors or that he mistakenly thought the Sun was the center of the Universe, but the wiser reader will see that the point still stands. Of course, raw genius was much more clearly exhibited 3 centuries later when a Swiss patent clerk proved that Maxwell’s equations held and the Lorentz transformation was not a result of electromagnetic instrument distortion, but a result of a relative rate of time. That’s another story.

In both instances, a genius was caught at the right place at the right time. Simply put, they were among a handful to tens of people who could have deduced what they did under the circumstances. It’s a combination of luck and genius.

Today’s information rich environment is nearly optimal for genius. As a breeding ground for misinformation, contradiction, and (sometimes) fact, the Internet is the collective well-intentioned misguided mind of humanity pushing their hopeless contradictions into a neatly wrapped package for a genius to tear open and disprove foolish assumptions. 

Simply put, the “right place, right time” element has almost been removed from the list of roadblocks that could prevent a genius from solving a contradiction. This seems like the right time to point out that a great list of unanswered questions has been compiled by Science and can be found here

I have made a decision today. I will no longer be angered or bothered by the foolish and seemingly destructive inaccuracies of the talking heads on the Internet and in the media. While it may seem that they are powerfully misguiding humanity into oblivion, I recognize that they are only doing the prerequisite work for a true act of genius by parading a contradiction as the conclusion of a set of facts. The most relevant non-scientific example of this is Barack Obama succeeding George W Bush.


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MGD 64 – One Step Closer

After Inbev’s brutal buyout of the most American Institution of them all, Budweiser, I decided I would never drink a Budweiser product again. Then those Euro-assholes have the audacity to shove a decidedly confusing product, ‘American Lager’, down our throats during football season. What the hell? It brings us one step closer to Sundays drinking 2 Heineken and watching EPL soccer instead of drinking a pony keg of Busch Light and browning out between the 4pm and 8pm NFL games.

This boycott, combined with the merger of Miller and Coors, left me with only one economical beer company to pick from. When I was out drinking beer made by said beer company, I was notified by some guy who probably was one of those kids to brought a 6 pack of expensive beer to underage keggers (I fucking hated those kids! seriously, who did they think they were? chug your beast lite like a good 17 year old, asshole) that I was “drinking nothing but beer flavored water and alcohol.”

I said, “you know what, asshole? I wish I was drinking beer flavored water and alcohol”. Because really, I don’t drink beer for the taste. I drink it because the pace of drinking it over the course of the night is perfectly matched to the level of drunkenness I want to get to. I would love to get the alcohol without getting the calories, in fact. This brings me to Miller 64, the 64 calorie beer from MillerCoors. Oh yes, perfect, this is exactly what I need! Wait, it’s only 2.8% alcohol? You mean the alcohol itself has calories? This brings us to a crossroads. The calories in alcohol are the real energy crisis!

Shouldn’t somebody we working on calorie-free alcohol? Dammit, this is America, and we like our women skinny and drunk. Oh wait, I guess we already have calorie-free alcohol. I think it’s called ‘drugs’. Splenda Kool-Aid + Roofies = 0 Calorie Fun. But there’s no way I’m taking those again, I need something with the same exact effect of alcohol in Alka-Seltzer form so I can drop it in water instead of carrying beer everywhere I want to drink it. It would be called “Beer Zero” to build on the “Coke Zero” paradigm. This idea would still be successful if it didn’t have 0 calories.


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Justifying My Fear of Cars

I shouldn’t have to justify my fear of getting hit by a car as a pedestrian. They’re huge and fast objects controlled by human beings of questionable sobriety who have no real qualifications other than being over the age of 16. However, a shocking majority of people have no fear of getting steamrolled by Jose when he takes a ‘we can make it’ yield-on-green left turn with his cargo van full of illegal immigrants when a blinking red hand is cautiously telling them to cross. So if my friends want to make fun of me for not jaywalking across Connecticut Avenue because ‘the cars will stop, they always stop’, they can go right ahead.

It probably doesn’t surprise you that 1.2 million people are killed worldwide in traffic accidents. It probably does surprise you that 800,000 of these people are pedestrians, and most of them probably didn’t just knowingly jump in front of a moving vehicle. You might say “yeah man, but 70% of those killed are in developing countries”. If you happened to say that, I’d say something like… ahem, “Do you have any idea how many drivers came from those developing countries? Have you ever been in a cab? The streets are literally filled with cabs driven by drivers from developing countries.”

Since I’ve been faced with this very clear and present danger for almost a quarter-century now, I’ve developed a list of things you can do to be a safer pedestrian. Let’s just get to the list:

  1. You should be exponentially more scared of shitty beaters. The likelihood of a car hitting you goes up as the driver’s income goes down. Since the shittiness of the car is a pretty good measure of the driver’s income, this is rule #1.
  2. Under no circumstances is it a good idea to walk in front of a moving bus, tractor-trailer, or any other exceptionally large vehicle. They have trouble seeing and stopping. Wait the 5 seconds for them to take the right turn.
  3. To compute the danger value of a U-Haul truck, multiply it’s normal size based value by 1500 to account for the shocking inexperience of the driver.
  4. Remember that cars with Mexican plates want to hit you so they can kidnap you and hold you for ransom
  5. High School students after getting out of school will hit anything and everything in between them and the drugs waiting for them at home. Gas prices are really high now, so the rich kids are the only ones driving to and from High School nowadays. Their natural wealth-driven propensity for drugs makes the percentage of drug starved (or riddled) teenagers on the road higher than ever.

Then there’s the obvious stuff like looking out for right-turners, left-turners, and using herds of fat people as a collective human shield between you and and oncoming traffic. I just thought of this movie “Death Race 2000“, which is unquestionably the greatest sci-fi movie ever made. In a breakthrough role, Sly Stallone plays “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo who, as one of the World’s great Death Race drivers, drives across the country killing innocent people in a quest for the Transcontinental Road Race title. I don’t remember what points were tied to which pedestrians, but it suffices to say that the values were non-PC but fair. The whole thing is 5 stars, a must see.

And if you think you can be some kind of pedestrian/car hybrid by getting a motorcycle, you might as well save time and decapitate yourself now to get it over with. Oh, and I wrote this post from a hipster coffee shop. I think that puts me 1 step closer to being a ‘real blogger’, right?


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The Metric System is Not ‘Better’

To continue my war on people who pretend to know Science, I have to attack a growing group of people whose lips have a very special place on my ass: people who think the metric system is fundamentally perfect as a system of measurement.

If you feel like this, you probably think that the meter (metre) is somehow holier than the foot because you think the meter is based on some beautiful complex calculation involving the speed of light and the foot is based on the foot of some ancient King. Well you’re fucking wrong, Shiloh. The meter was initially set as one ten-millionth of the length of the Earth’s meridian along a quadrant. Of course, when they measured it in the late 1700s they got it wrong, but they just ‘went with it.’ Then 100 years later they made a rod that was the ‘meter rod’. Then a bunch of people got together and decided they would replace the rod with some length in terms of the speed of light in a vaccum. Seems logical enough, right? So they ended up with this nice, easy-to-remember definition:

The metre is the length of the path travelled by light in vacuum during a time interval of 1/299 792 458 of a second.

Are you fucking kidding me? Why not just simplify things and make it 1/300,000,000? Just to fuck with people? And who the hell defines a second anyway? You metric assholes decide to change the rulers but not the clocks?

So if we’re all honest here, the meter is just as arbitrary as the foot. Now, metric-mongers have their arguments about why the metric system is better which can be broken down into 4 categories:

  1. There’s 1 unit of measurement for each physical quantity (length, volume, mass, force, etc.)
  2. Scalability with prefixes (milli, kilo, etc.)
  3. Decimal system (no fractions)
  4. Everyone else uses it

#1 and #2 are really the same thing. There’s no reason we can’t have kilo-foot or mega-foot instead of using miles. We can thow out inches and use millifeet, there’s nothing stopping us from doing that. For volume, I’m sure everybody could use a good deci-gallon of beer. And wait a second, #3 follows directly from #1 and #2. In fact, they’re all saying the same thing.

So, friends, what is this whole Metric nonsense really about? It’s not about one system being more ‘right’ or being ‘easier to use’. It’s not ’embarrassing’ that we don’t use the Metric system either. If every self-hating 17 year old American could stop saying these things, it would really start to clarify things: the ONLY advantage the metric system has is #4: Everyone else uses it. Well, that and the fact you don’t have to remember conversion factors when converting units, but we could fix this by metrifying our system to base everything on the foot the same way everything in the metric system is based on the meter.

So it begs the question: Why invent the meter in the first place? Why not just keep the foot and standardize it’s size? And did it really have to be THREE TIMES larger? I mean, Cubits had a pretty good run, and they were around 18 inches long. Did it really have to be based on the meridian of the Earth? Was that really necessary?

Oh, some other things to keep in mind are how the inch is defined as 25.4mm (wait, so we are on the metric system…) and that my Japanese car has rims specified in inches and tires inflated in psi. Nobody is fully on or off the metric system. And another thing: anyone who thinks it’s ok to have 30 degrees of separation for describing the current temperature is retarted. Celsius is a joke. Temperatures specified in Farenheit are clearly superior in quickly communicating the level of temperature with their finer degree of precision and more variable significant digit.


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‘Science’ is Worse Than Religon

“The funny thing about ideas is that they’re outdated well before they’re abandoned” – DC Hero

In 1543, Nicholas Copernicus published a book that proved mathematically what the Greeks, Indians, Muslims, and an untold number of other ancient civilizations had known but never fully explained: that the Sun is at the center of the Universe. This proof triggered an avalanche of many other ‘it’s about time’ proofs in many unrelated scientific disciplines, which collectively many historians refer to as the Scientific Revolution. This removed some long-held power from the Church, which had previously moonlighted as a place for Scientific ideas in addition to the Spiritual ones.

Now, the major players in all of this business (especially Galileo) realized that:

  1. They were taking power away from the Church that didn’t belong to the Church to begin with
  2. There were things that Science would never be able to explain

I really think Einstein said it best: “What separates me from most so-called atheists is a feeling of utter humility toward the unattainable secrets of the harmony of the cosmos.” There are people who really believe that Science can explain everything (the people who have DarwinFish on their cars). What’s terrifying is they’re the ones who don’t know anything about Science, they’re the girls who major in Philosophy and blab on about the power of logic and reason. I’d swear those girls off if they weren’t so damn easy. But really, these people are shockingly similar to those who believe that Religion can explain everything; those people don’t have a grasp of what Religion is supposed to be about. It really boils down to whether you use Religion to explain the explainable, or you use Science to explain the unexplainable. Yeah, that’s it.

Hm, well it seems that if you had a Religion where people blindly accepted things about the Universe, but those things were actually Scientifically accurate, then you would have a Religion that actually worked very well. In other words, the institution of Religion has the capacity to explain the explainable accurately. Now, on the other hand, Science will never have the capacity to explain the unexplainable unless broad, untestable lies are created. However, this is counter to the institution of Science. Q.E.D..

Oh, and can the people who say “Religion kills many innocent people because they’re doing it in the name of God and they believe they’re righteous…”. Um, sweetheart, people die at the hands of weapons, which are the ultimate driver of Science and technology. The Crusades would not have been possible with Stone Age technology. Weapons kill people, Science makes weapons, Science kills people. Q.E.D..


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The FriendGirlPair Hypothesis

You might guess from the clever disfigure of the term ‘girlfriend’ that this hypothesis has something to do with how two girls can bend the dimensions of space-time to become the optimal singular girlfriend. The job has just become too time consuming for one modern girl to handle between her facebook networking, her man-hating, and her career goals. Let me explain:

  • girlfriend defines a female who’s a smokeshow and a friend. The hot girl is needed for general bedroom mischief while the friend is needed for spiritual guidance. The truth of the last sentence is at the crux of the theory.
  • FriendGirlPair (FGP) encapsulates these same entities (girl and friend), but they are two distinct girls. The friend is more than just a regular friend, she is a friendgirl. However you do not lust after her in any way because you have a revolving door of girls who fulfill you’re manly needs and complete the pair.

The hypothesis is that a FGP is superior to the girlfriend in all measurable ways, which we’ll sum together to create a value. If we look at the two parts of the girlfriend, we see that the value of the girl entity decreases with time (mainly due to manly lust for variety) and the value of the friend entity increases with time (mainly due to the characteristics of human bonding):

If we look at the two entities of the FGP, we see that the value of the friendgirl also increases with time, but the value of the replaceable bimbo-slut girls remains at a steady high value. The total value is higher at every step in time when compared to the girlfriend competitor:

Of course the key to the whole thing is picking the right friendgirl. She will have to be proud of your conquests, aid in increasing the jealousy of a bimbo-slut prospect, and you must be sure she will never want a real relationship out of you. So she will need to be a girl who respects you, who is willing to be somewhat of a trader to her own gender, and who is completely unattracted to you. The contradiction is pretty thick, so you wouldn’t expect these girls to exist. But honestly, I’ve never had too much trouble finding one.

Conclusion: The situation is a nice ideal, but ultimately the man or the friendgirl will want more. Hypothesis fail. Sorry to have wasted your time.

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Finally, A Global Warming Solution

riding a dolphin on a road

The economy is entering it’s biggest Depression, the world is warming at a frantic pace, the dollar is falling faster than the Ruble ever did, and we’re damn near out of oil. Well, at least according to some people. Personally, I’m not sold on most of it but that doesn’t matter. What we need is a plan in case all of these things are true. That’s right, we need a contingency plan.

If global warming takes over, we’ll need to stay cool. Luckily, nature already built in the solution to that one because the oceans will rise and flood everything, making automobiles and our vast road networks useless. Since our dollar will be worthless and we won’t have any oil, motorboats will also be useless to us as a means of transportation. Sailboats would be an option, but we all know how hard it is to sail and how expensive it would be to train all the cab drivers to sail. So that’s out.

That leaves us back to the mode of transport that dawned great civilizations around the world: animals. However, since horses will not be able to swim nearly fast enough, we’ll have to domesticate and ride a water-based mammal. Since whales and dolphins are the only real candidates and whales are far too large and plankton-dependent to do the job, we’ll have to use dolphins.

I’ve Painted a diagram above that shows how the system will work. The edge and middle lines will be made up of some type of anchored floating material. Note that this diagram is of an early domesticated dolphin (still pretty wild) because it has not learned how to not jump for no reason so often anymore. Also note that drinking and driving will no longer be an issue. What can not be seen in the diagram is the motorized fish moving underneath the water to keep the dolphin moving.

Write your local Senators and Congressmen, urging them to act NOW to domesticate dolphins. The Japanese are probably already doing it, and we can’t let the imported dolphins take over the domestic market. Our economy will be weak enough without that.


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