Holy shit, nothing makes a girl more instantly unattractive than having short hair. Out of the 15-20 girls who I saw before and after getting a short haircut, approximately 0% of them looked better with short hair. Actually, exactly 0% of them looked better with short hair. It sucks, and it should be outlawed from this country.
Since the DC Hero is all about action because he’s had enough of the dialogue, let’s move on from the discussion about whether or not girls should have short hair, agree that they shouldn’t, and think about how we can reverse this disturbing phenomenon.
I propose blatant discrimination of all girls under the age of 30 who are not married and have hair shorter than ‘shoulder-length’. Exceptions will be made in extraordinary circumstances. If you feel you qualify for such an exception, send an email with a picture to helpmehero at gmail dot com and, if prompted, be prepared to show up in person at my Arlington headquarters on the Sunday following your email for an inspection. A passed inspection will exempt you for a year. 2 years if you ‘ace’ it.
Now what happens if you have hair shorter than the discriminatory length and you don’t have an exception? I have an army of Mexicans working at almost every restaurant in the greater Washington metro area. They are equipped with castor oil vials that they are currently testing on the fat people I’m trying to get rid of. (Yeah, fatty, eat those mashed potatoes. You’ll regret you ever ate anything 2 hours from now.) You could go to a restaurant where no Mexicans work in the back. Good luck with that one. I’ll sick them on you like skinny White boys on Asian girls.
There’s no worse feeling than chronic diarrhea. I almost wish that being forced to take diarrhea-inducing medication was a sentence for a crime, or used in conjunction with a jail sentence. I mean, what crime would be equivalent to being on the john for 8 hours a day with chronic diarrhea for something like 3 years? Man, that’s disgusting. Too bad for you that I don’t read or edit this stuff before I post it.