End of Nerd Week: Nerd Girls

I know, I know, you wanted Dating Nerds 3.0: Making Him a Real Man. And maybe someday it will come out, who knows. But I’ve had enough of nerds for awhile. I mean, I had to enter the world of nerds to give the kind of quality scientific insight the public has come to expect here on DC Hero. I’m going to have to shake off this character acting before it sucks me in. This must be what Val Kilmer felt like after he filmed The Doors.

Anyway, I just wanted to touch on nerd chicks a little bit if you catch my double entendre. They’re quiet, complicated, and can be shockingly beautiful. This isn’t usually the case, but dammit, it is here. Anyway, let’s get away from the adjectives and into the nouns while we look into a case study of nerd hotness: Rachel Leigh Cook in the 2nd greatest movie of all time: She’s All That (1st is obviously Commando).
This movie was a remake of George Bernard Shaw’s ‘Pygmalion’, but it ends differently. The plot is thoughtfully subtle and complex, but really, really awesome. Freddie Prinze Jr. is the BMOC (I put in the link only so you can read the 3rd definition) in his Senior year at a California high school. He pretty much owns life, and the biggest decision he has to make is finding out how to tell his dad he doesn’t want to go to Dartmouth because the girls there are ugly and it’s too cold. His girlfriend leaves him for a reality TV reject (1999, waaaay ahead of it’s time here) and he makes a bet with his buddy Dean that he can get any girl to be the prom queen. Dean then makes the most inexplicable move in movie history by picking diamond-in-the-rough hottie Rachel Leigh Cook as Freddie’s target.

Even though Freddie knows it’s on as soon as he checks her out to confirm her hotness, he plays it up like he can’t do it when he’s talking to Dean. Dean is a total douchebag and buys it. Then, because he’s such a self-hating loser, Dean narcs on Freddie about the bet and takes Rachel to the prom (but she almost didn’t go, this was high drama).

When she dresses up for the prom, she now becomes hot to even the most stoned high schoolers in the audience (I wasn’t fooled, I knew she was hot the whole time). Dean thinks this is a sign that she’s dressing up to take his virginity, but he is mistaken. He apparently gets a rape alarm set off in his ear (why didn’t they show this) and meets up with Freddie, who probably impregnates her 3 or 4 times with fraternal triplets or quadruplets.

Bottom line messages from this movie:

1. Hot nerd chicks are the Holy Grail
2. Girls like Taylor Vaughn totally lose against nerd chicks
3. Usher is the greatest Prom DJ of all time

Put these glasses on sweetheart, trust me.

Dating Nerds 2.0: Hanging On

So let’s say you’ve conquered Dating Nerds 0.1 and Dating Nerds 1.0 and you’ve cornered an acceptable nerd into a relationship. First off, congratulations. Second off, how do you hang on to him without sacrificing any of your dignity? I mean, let’s be honest here: your new nerd squeeze isn’t exactly the social draw you’d expect from a new boyfriend.

The key here is that this new nerd squeeze is completely customizable. You have to tell him what to say, when to say it, and where to touch you. Oh shit, this is starting to feel like a Sex and the City episode. But whatever, fuck it. It’s probably the truth. The nerds I know are the only males willing to have their whole life changed at a woman’s will.

The final question is: are women really more likely to want to mold a nerd man into being the man they want him to be? Or would they rather latch on to a player who will leave them at a moment’s notice but who they may be able to ‘change’? If I’ve ever learned anything from girls, I’ve learned that they go for players regardless of what they do/say/think/masturbate about.

I’m pretty sure the reason for this is that girls fundamentally don’t trust the opposite sex. They’re skeptical. And I think this is with good reason, don’t get me wrong. But a guy who thinks that being a player will make girls trust him less? They’re just flat out wrong. Check it out man: girls will never trust you, you might as well play it like the cards are dealt to you.

But wait a minute, this post was supposed to be dedicated to the girls hanging on to Nerds they already picked up. Ok, here’s what you do:

1. Modify what he says in public, especially around your friends (you don’t need him embarrassing you)
2. Pretend like you’re interested in his nerd activities (this isn’t tough, he’ll be easily fooled)
3. Gradually (GRADUALLY) modify his wardrobe to be more fashionable
4. Make sex the #1 thing on his mind (or at least as high on his list as you can make it)
5. Get emotional with him earlier than normal (Nerds are suckers for chick-emotions)
6. Talk about his “traumatic” past (this will make him more committed to you)
7. Be absolutely relentless with sticking with him if he tries to break up with you. Remember, nerds have little to no confidence with women. Even though you are scoring big time, and you have the upper hand, he doesn’t know that.

Always remember, he thinks he needs you more than you need him. This isn’t true, but he doesn’t know that.

Dating Nerds 1.0: Meeting Nerds

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So let’s say you’ve read Dating Nerds 0.1, and you’ve decided you’re going to woman-up and date a nerd (or a geek, I’m really talking about both groups because they’re pretty much the same for our purposes). You are going to buck the trends and go against what is biologically natural in hopes of becoming a nerd queen. I say, good for you. One of the points I forgot to mention in the primer is how nerd’s friends aren’t assholes and will have a “wow, a girl” reaction to your presence thereby making you a nerd queen. Don’t get me wrong, this will require a little effort, a lot of patience, and a lot of molding (once you find your nerd target), but what girl doesn’t like a good challenge?

Now, the main problems you’ll encounter in your search for nerd love will be finding nerds (they NEVER go out), picking out the real nerds from the players who pretend to be nerds (this is becoming a great pickup tactic), and finding a nerd who is suitable boyfriend material (there is no hope for many nerds, and some of those who there is hope for have already been snatched up by nerd-mining hotties like yourself who will almost never lose their nerd to another nerd-miner because nerds are loyal to their girlfriends).

The good news is that there are more dateable nerds out there than any other man category. And if you’re comfortable with some of the negatives I discussed in Dating Nerds 0.1, you should be able to be happily with one in most North American cities.

Nerds almost never go out. They take pride in not going out. They buy everything online (including their groceries), they rarely exercise, and some nerds have embraced what is becoming very popular in the nerd universe: they brew their own beer. This allows them to accomplish two treasured nerd activities: not going out and arguing about what makes “the best” beer. Nerds love arguing about what “the best” of anything is, I covered that already.

So wait, if they don’t go out, how are you going to fill your nerd love cravings? As far as I can tell, nerds only go out regularly for one reason:

1. To eat (nerds will rarely cook)

Nerds have little to no culinary experience. Whenever I’ve eaten a meal prepared by a nerd, they have tried to follow a recipe to an absolute T, and usually fail because they don’t understand some fundamental part of cooking that isn’t in the recipe (pre-heating the oven, defrosting the meat, etc.). Therefore, they can be found at chain restaurants like Subway, Quiznos, or Applebee’s surprisingly often. And the key there is how they will frequent the same restaurant day after day (nerds love routines) so you can meet them back there after you find one the first time. It’s like clockwork.

Other than that, a nerd’s life is often consumed by video games, online forums, developing open source code, fantasy sports, watching strange and awful movies for often inexplicable reasons, building massive audio/video systems they don’t really need, singing songs from Monty Python, and watching anime pornography (which isn’t that bad, by the way).

Ok, now here’s a list of nerd activities where you can meet nerds to bang it out with. Note that this list isn’t like the list above because items on this list only apply to subsets of nerds:

1. Academic conferences (GREAT place to meet nerds)
2. RPG conventions (GenCon)
3. Trivia contests
4. Anything else you think is weird and stupid that has a lot of attendees

If you manage to meet a nerd, you will have to ask him out because he won’t make the first move. Make sure the date isn’t somewhere that’s too far out of his comfort zone, and you should hook him pretty easily. I think I’m going to continue this little series with Dating Nerds 2.0 later on, stay tuned.

Dating Nerds 0.1: A Primer

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Lately, I’ve been thinking about dating solutions for girls. After gathering a wide range of opinions, I’ve concluded two things:

1. Girls have high expectations and no patience
2. Feminine dating problems boil down to there not being enough “good men”

I started thinking about the second problem, and then I started thinking about how I disagree with it. And then it hit me. I know an inordinate number of nerds. And, aside from our 400 year supply of coal that we can hold the world hostage with after other energy sources run out, nerds are our most important natural resource. They are by far the most overlooked group of men. Let’s look at their pluses and minuses. As always, let’s make lists:

Nerds: Positives

1. Treat women like gold
2. Make a lot of money
3. Very dependable
4. Honest and nice
5. Wholesome

Nerds: Negatives

1. Treat women like gold
2. Scrawny or fat
3. Awkward in intimacy
4. Emotionally distant
5. Defensive and fragile

Wait a minute, this doesn’t look so good now. The positives look like the list of things women say they want, which they probably do. But due to their naturally high expectations, they aren’t willing to sacrifice and take the stuff on the negatives list for the pluses on the positive list. If this is true, which we can assume by looking at the lack of nerd mating success, a guy who: treats women like dirt, makes no money, is an irresponsible dirty liar, but has a great body, doesn’t get emotional or defensive, knows how to touch women and connects to them emotionally would have much more success. Uh oh, that sounds all too true.

This is pretty interesting. This scientific list shows how emotional strength and raw sexuality decidedly trump everything else on the list. I’m very disappointed with this, I really felt like I was onto something with the nerds. Girls will often say that they like the idea of nerdy guys because of the things on the positive list, but they can’t settle and take the negatives because of their greedy, self-serving, way too pretty nature.

But if you are willing to take the negatives with the positives, ladies, stay tuned for Dating Nerds 1.0: Meeting Nerds. This is the most important part of dating nerds because once you get one, he’s not going to go anywhere. This is going to be great.

Homework: read Slashdot (aka intro to Nerd World).

Note: The nerd at the top is Sergey Brin. *sigh*, you don’t know who Sergey Brin is? He co-founded Google, you might of heard of it. Anyway, he married nerd-miner Anne Wojcicki last May. No, this was not big news in the nerd community.

One Man’s 6 is Another Man’s 8

The premise of this blog thought is based on the idea that a guy’s looks do matter, and how hot he thinks a girl is depends on how physically attractive he is. A guy thinks a girl is hot if she’s hotter than girls he can get without trying.

Every guy has a group of girls who, based on their looks, is below him. These are 5’s and below (on the 1-10 scale). Then there’s girls who are about as attractive as he is, these are 6’s and 7’s. 8’s are girls who are officially hot. They get a guys immediate and undivided attention. 9’s are girls who get a guys immediate, undivided, and lifetime-sustained attention. And, by now, everybody knows 10’s don’t exist.

My point is that the 1-10 scale isn’t as universal as I once thought. An ugly guy and a good looking guy might both agree that a girl is a 6, but the ugly guy will treat her like an 8 when they’re face to face because that’s what she is to him. The bottom line is every guy has their own rating system, and it’s relative to how physically attractive they are.

Note: Rachel McAdams is not a 6 or an 8 as the title suggests. She’s a 9.9. She’s also in DC until April 1, I’m currently stalking hunting her.

Relationship Practice Month

Practice may be defined as working to master something. But ‘Relationship Practice Month’ isn’t about mastering relationships, it’s about entering a relationship at the optimal time and getting out (if necessary) at the optimal time. That’s the stated goal. It’s the best time to practice a relationship while inflicting the least amount of collateral damage.

You probably don’t know this because I made it up without telling anybody, but we are currently at the approximate halfway point of Relationship Practice Month. It’s not a month according to the Gregorian calendar, but it does depend on the Gregorian calendar. It runs from the Ides of January (January 13th) to the Day after Valentine’s Day (February 15th). I originally planned it to end on the Ides of February, but that turned out to be on the 13th and we all know Valentine’s Day is the perfect final gauntlet for RPM.

It’s the perfect time of year for this sort of thing for a few reasons, let’s make a list (men’s list):

1. It’s cold outside, and fatties have taken over your primary and secondary pick-up establishments. Your tertiary pick-up establishment is an empty, barren wasteland for reasons you don’t fully understand. And your quaternary and final option is just too fucking expensive. Church may be option (I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never tried it), but I think it would be tough because you don’t have the awesome power of alcohol and darkness to help you.
2. No Christmas/Kwanzaa/Jew-day presents to buy
3. No need to adjust your New Year’s plans
4. It’s a good opportunity to rest up for the Spring mating season
5. Less random sex happens during RPM than at any other time during the year. Probably.
6. It’s the most depressing period of the year. January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. I know this because it’s my birthday.
7. No girls in skimpy clothing
8. It’s always dark out
9. You achieve a side goal of building up jealousy in girls who are teetering on the edge of wanting your love in time for the Spring mating season. Being ‘taken’ at some point is beneficial for you, and it might as well be during RPM.

Look, you need a break from the game at least every once in awhile to re-tool while you plot your comeback with a vengeance. In fact, don’t call it a comeback. All things considered, it’s the optimal time to take a breather. Even for girls this works.

Time for the girls list:

1. The extra clothing doesn’t help you
2. It’s the most depressing period of the year. January 24th is the most depressing day of the year. I know this because it’s my birthday.
3. If there’s ever a time to give ‘that guy’ a shot, it’s during RPM

You may currently be thinking: “if I missed out on RPM, when is the next best time to stop gaming, I need a break from this shit”. Right after Valentine’s Day. Obviously.

‘Trading down’ is usually a crucial, unfortunate but necessary element of RPM. And it may be highly unlikely that the stars will align for you in time for RPM. However, if all of the necessary elements fall into place, this is the scientifically proven best time of the year for RPM.