She’s Asian, But She’s Not Hot

I think by now everybody knows a funny looking white guy who has an Asian Fetish. These lemon-pickers/busdrivers go beyond succumbing to the Asian Persuasion that will do in most hot blooded males when confronted with a HAG (hot Asian girl). Said individuals will just be lost in the fact that she’s Asian without considering anything else, even when she’s obviously not all that. All they have to say about her to their buddies is something like “dude, she’s amazing, she’s so amazing”.

In fact, it seems that they can’t tell the difference between an ugly Asian girl and a HAG. If we look at guys who like blondes, their feelings are strikingly similar.

The above sentiments were brought up to me by an Asian girl (Ms. Luau). I do agree with them, and I think it provokes a larger discussion of fetishes.

As far as I can tell, men have many more fetishes than their female counterparts in both number and variety. In fact, after doing 20 seconds of research, I’ve concluded that fetishes are mostly limited to heterosexual men, and involve complex personal meanings behind the fetishes. How interesting.

As far as I know from the circle (more accurately, the heavily clustered network) of people I come in contact with, the Asian and Blonde fetishes are the most popular, with Latina coming in 3rd. These are the “spoken” fetishes. The Internet tells me that the most common non-human (“unspoken”) fetishes involve panty hose, panties, and high heels: all instruments of femininity. Interesting.

I conclude that there is no way to definitively say why a man would choose one fetish over another. However, it does seem that the only thing Blondes, Asians, panties, and high heels have in common is their association as symbols of femme. If fetishes arise due to a childhood stall in the Phallic stage of Freud’s Psychosexual development, it’s very likely that men will misplace their innate desire for femininity in the objects of fetishes. Women wouldn’t have this problem to the same degree because of a lack of childhood intimate contact with their fathers (in most normal cases).

So what can we say after taking this all in? Fetishes are for men who do not have a deep understanding of their sexuality and who are unable to distinguish true signs of femininity from the infrared countermeasures deployed by modern society. Men who are not attracted to any and all fertile women are the confused and misguided. It’s also unclear whether pornography will further confuse these individuals or magically clear things up. Wait, maybe that isn’t so unclear…

Paranoia

In life, I naturally assume that everyone and their brother is out to get me because they are. Everyone wants to swindle me, bang my chick, steal my possessions, use my lines, bite my style, or get me to buy them something. Fucking assholes are the exact reason I don’t need some smart ass DC Hero Jr sitting at my dinner table whining that he has to eat regular cheese pizza instead of extra cheese pizza. Side note: what the fuck is extra cheese pizza all about anyway? I saw some bullshit ad for a 6 cheese pizza. Cheese pizza is only for little kids and poor people who can’t afford toppings. Gourmet cheese pizza, give me a fucking break.

Anyway, I’ve drawn a handy diagram of all the people out to get me. You can see the two Black guys who are about to jump me and steal my wallet. You can also see the one sneaky Asian guy who’s setting me up for a good old Asian pyramid scheme, but you can’t see the 200 Asians working behind the scenes on the pyramid scheme. You can also see two short Mexican twins who are out to get me. I’m not sure exactly what they’re up to, but I’m sure it involves drugs.

What you can’t see is the hundreds of White people I drew who are out to get me because they blend in with the background color of this website. You might think that’s a larger sociological metaphor for White criminals going relatively unnoticed because they blend in with the background of society. But you’d be wrong. I just like white backgrounds.

Anyway, I think it’s a pretty good idea to be abnormally paranoid in life. It’s the only way to see the clever assholes who really are out to get you. Otherwise, you’ll be a victim of your own optimism. Think you can go through life living carefree and happy? Think again. You might as well just pull your jeans down and hold up a bottle of K-Y because you’re just asking to get fucked. The way to do it is to be skeptical of everyone you meet because you know, deep down, they’re just aiming to screw you over when they get a chance. And then when you get to the finish line in life, and we all know there’s a finish line, you’ll know that you won.

I Am Selfish

Sometimes when I find myself debating about what to do instead of just acting on impulse, I find it strangely calming to say: “I am selfish” before making the decision. I’m not saying that this is the best way to deal with life, but it’s a way I deal with life pretty regularly. If I don’t put my own interests head and shoulders above the interests of others when making decisions, I find that life is too stressful because there are too many variables to consider.

Does this make me a self-centered, immature, and unreasonable? Maybe. There are certainly more than a few people who I’ve crossed paths with who would agree with that, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I figure it is what it is, and acting any other way would be fake and dishonorable.

The older I get, I’m being drawn towards the idea that people are what they are in this world. Above all else, we want what we want, and there’s very little any of us can do to alter those desires. Those desires inspire us build the personas and lifestyles that drive us all.

So maybe fat people just want to eat cheeseburgers. Maybe hipsters just want to prove they’re right and everyone else is wrong. Maybe Will just wants Asians. Maybe drug addicts just want more and more drugs…

It seems to me that so much of the “Quarter Life Crisis” is based on the idea that someone who is in their 20s might not know what they want because they haven’t experienced it yet. Like there’s some grand desire out there that they will want once they experience it for the first time.

So traveling the world, trying new lifestyles, etc., etc., is all about finding these new desires. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is an immense value to doing all of these quarter life crisis activities. But it seems to me that the point of them is to clarify an inner desire, not to uncover desires that were previously unknown.

Dammit, you know what this sounds like? This sounds like the stuff people with no real problems think about. My mind is being taken over by the ideas I always looked down on, I guess that’s what growing up is all about.

Suicide Breeds More Suicides

I remember from reading about social proof in this book (the concept that one way we figure out the truth is to find out what other people think is the truth, then believe that) that highly publicized suicides directly lead to more suicides in the society they were publicized in. And the more publicity the suicide gets, the higher the increase in subsequent suicides. This might not be such groundbreaking news to you. I mean, let’s say you’re on the edge of a cliff and you watch somebody else jump. If you were already thinking about jumping, your odds of jumping probably just went up. It’s human nature.

However, if I told you that motor vehicle fatalities increase almost 10% in the week after a highly publicized suicide and commercial plane crashes increase to 11 times normal levels, that may surprise you. It surprised me.

The stats are very specific when it comes to car accidents. Single suicides tend to cause an increase in accidents where only one person dies. Murder-suicides tend to cause an increase in accidents where multiple people die. Copycat suicides can be masked by traffic accidents, the same way a lot of teenage suicides are. And since these accidents are suicide attempts instead of regular accidents, we’d expect accidents after a big suicide story to be deadlier than accidents at other times. And it turns out plane crashes in these scenarios produce 3 times as many deaths, while fatal car accident victims die almost 4 times quicker in these scenarios.

Does this mean you should stay off the roads and out of the friendly skies after a widely publicized suicide or murder suicide? It sure seems like that wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Also, as another lesson in psychology will teach you, people will most readily believe and copy those who are similar to themselves. This also means that people who are most like the suicide victim are most likely to imitate them in copycat suicide attempts. You might want to check up on your 28 year old androgynous actor friends.

I brought this topic up because you might be wondering why you should care about Heath Ledger’s death. If it turns out to be a suicide, you might want to tread lightly for the 10 days after the suicide confirmation leaks, because that’s the time most of these copycat suicides happen. And even though the copycaters won’t have any reason to take you down with them, they might do it inadvertently anyway.