Paranoia

In life, I naturally assume that everyone and their brother is out to get me because they are. Everyone wants to swindle me, bang my chick, steal my possessions, use my lines, bite my style, or get me to buy them something. Fucking assholes are the exact reason I don’t need some smart ass DC Hero Jr sitting at my dinner table whining that he has to eat regular cheese pizza instead of extra cheese pizza. Side note: what the fuck is extra cheese pizza all about anyway? I saw some bullshit ad for a 6 cheese pizza. Cheese pizza is only for little kids and poor people who can’t afford toppings. Gourmet cheese pizza, give me a fucking break.

Anyway, I’ve drawn a handy diagram of all the people out to get me. You can see the two Black guys who are about to jump me and steal my wallet. You can also see the one sneaky Asian guy who’s setting me up for a good old Asian pyramid scheme, but you can’t see the 200 Asians working behind the scenes on the pyramid scheme. You can also see two short Mexican twins who are out to get me. I’m not sure exactly what they’re up to, but I’m sure it involves drugs.

What you can’t see is the hundreds of White people I drew who are out to get me because they blend in with the background color of this website. You might think that’s a larger sociological metaphor for White criminals going relatively unnoticed because they blend in with the background of society. But you’d be wrong. I just like white backgrounds.

Anyway, I think it’s a pretty good idea to be abnormally paranoid in life. It’s the only way to see the clever assholes who really are out to get you. Otherwise, you’ll be a victim of your own optimism. Think you can go through life living carefree and happy? Think again. You might as well just pull your jeans down and hold up a bottle of K-Y because you’re just asking to get fucked. The way to do it is to be skeptical of everyone you meet because you know, deep down, they’re just aiming to screw you over when they get a chance. And then when you get to the finish line in life, and we all know there’s a finish line, you’ll know that you won.

Testosterone and Men are on the Decline

In my daily, awesome perusal of the internet, I came across this study in the Journal of Endocrinology and Metabolism (a very reputable journal, as far as I can tell from the journals it is cross-referenced with) concerning a Population-Level Decline in Serum Testosterone Levels of American Men. It was the largest, most comprehensive study of it’s kind measuring testosterone levels of men from different generations as they aged over a 17 year period (1987-2004). The results show a population-level decrease in testosterone (that means, for example, men who were born between 1916-1919 were measured to have lower testosterone than men born between 1940-1945 when aged the same number of years, look at this graph) that is consistent with “population-level decline in sperm counts and increasing incidence rates of certain reproductive disorders in men, especially in some Northern European countries.” Maybe Paula Cole was onto something.

The study does show what had already been known: that testosterone decreases linearly with age. However, it is surprising that we can see such a noticeable decrease in testosterone levels for no apparent genetic reason (further proof that relying on hundreds of thousands of years of evolution for mating dynamics is a huge mistake, stop talking about cavemen please, cavemen didn’t have mixed race girls).

Also, while this study was only done in the U.S., it’s large sample size (N=1709) and close matching with trends seen in other parts of the world (at least in developed nations) suggest that something is at work here. Feminism? Corporate culture? McDonalds? Acceptance of homosexuality? Yellow #5?!?!?

If you’re a good scientist, you may wonder why this study was done on older men. It’s because they were trying to measure how testosterone levels decrease with age. They just happened to stumble into this surprising result of decrease in testosterone over generations.

It’s very interesting to me how it is natural to assume that people aged faster back in the day, after all, people are living longer now than they ever have. However, older men maintained (in this study) higher testosterone levels than the next generation at the same age. Your dad had the right to call you ‘son’, son.

The good news is that girls are hotter than they’ve ever been, and the testosterone is being sucked out of society. Sounds like shooting fish in a barrel to me.

I am a scientist, but this is not my field. If you’re interested in a real editorial by someone who knows what they’re talking about, read this.