Hypothetically

 

oh shit

 

 

Any mathematically inclined person or fifth grader either likes hypotheticals or loves hypotheticals. It examines the extreme cases of something: the limits and the boundary conditions that distinctly describe a broad situation when expressed appropriately. I’ve found that the people who don’t like them tend not to understand that the beauty in the hypothetical is in the question. The answer is, in most cases, purely academic and contributes no real value. Let’s do a few:

 

• If you were the smartest man in the world, capable of deriving and understanding even the most difficult problems with ease, how would you spend your life? Essentially, your achievements are limited only by desire.

 

I’d venture to say most people would make a lot of money early in life, then spend the rest of life spending it (or giving it away). Fools. I would spend my youth improving my interpersonal skills while being labeled an underachiever before pursing a career in academia in my mid 30s. Chasing money is for people who don’t have any. Think about that for a second. And “making money to give it away” is only a good intention waiting to go wrong. There’s omething very ACORN about it. For the record, I love ACORN and I don’t want to wake up quartered in a dumpster. Those statements are unrelated. 

Other common hypothetical questions center around impossible scenarios involving an unlimited supply of money, super powers, time travel, or (my personal favorite) Ancient World domination. Of course ,AWD involves some kind of time travel. Also, it’s clear that toppling the Romans by creating unprecedented havoc as a Gladiator in a futuristic war suit before vowing return in a spaceship to return power to almighty Jupiter is the only way to go there. 

• With great talent, great hair, Kanye West, and great timing, you become a music sensation/sex-symbol and women are thowing themselves and each-other at you in efforts to get some high-dollar spunk. After 3 years this starts to get old, what do you do?

There’s 4 and only 4 ways to go here and I have an example for each:

1. Of course, it’s not just women who are after you. Gay men are also targeting your ever move. You choose to avoid both and choose to molest little kids instead. Michael Jackson is the obvious example, but I bet this happens relatively often.
2. With men and women on your ass, you decide to take in a little of both columns. Anthony Kiedis took that route.
3. After banging an untold number of hot girls, you tire of it and show it publically by making outrageous fashion and political statements. Also, you decide you don’t care what anybody thinks because you don’t want anything from anyone anymore and put out music that embarrasses even your biggest fans. This is Andre 3000 territory.
4. After banging an untold number of hot girls, you mysteriously don’t tire of it and show it publically by performing the same 15 songs on tour for 13 years and counting and continue to bang replicas of the college girls you banged in the late 90s.  You wanted time to stand still and, amazingly, you’ve made it do just that. This is the Stephen Jenkins zone.

Honestly, I’d follow Andre 3000 here.