Tag Archives: bars

Eye to Eye with Girls

michella cruz

By now, everyone should understand that the best way to build sexual attraction is sustained eye-contact. If you don’t know, now you know. *’Juicy’ Riff* Some will say you should start building sexual attraction right away with a girl. I disagree. It’s much better to intimidate, dominate, and isolate her first to take the controls out of her hands and put them in your hands, where she wants them to be.

Maybe that amounts to ‘building sexual attraction’ after all. I mean, whatever, it’s a semantic argument. And too much time gets wasted on semantic arguments. Anyway, in order to make good eye contact, you need to be on the same vertical level as the girl you’re making eye contact with. Tilted heads make poor trust-building eye contact.

So to level the height advantage that you should have on the girl (remember, if your woman is taller than you and outweighs you, you are not a man. actually, just make that “if your woman outweighs you”), there’s a couple things you can do. Sitting down isn’t an option because it limits your aggression and dominant body language. Slouching does the same thing. That means there’s only one option: putting your feet further apart to go down to her level. I’m a huge believer in this for a few reasons:

  1. You make better eye contact
  2. You can position your feet to invade her personal space (when she gives you the go-ahead, don’t do it too early)
  3. You can position your feet and other objects/fat people in your pick-up arena to drastically reduce her avenues of escape down to ‘pushing you aside and running for the fire exit’

I think if you’re really tall, this won’t work. Of course if you’re really tall, you probably settle for the mediocre girls who come up to you instead of working on your game. Kudos to the tall guys who don’t settle.

Now, I’m not going to be playing in the NBA anytime soon and I always manage to see guys who are shorter than I am with smoking hot chicks. I’m convinced more than ever that the eye-to-eye technique they can execute naturally is key to their success. In fact, I’m convinced that most, if not all, of my life success making good impressions is based on this theory of eye contact.

After thinking about this as I’m writing it, I see the right way to explain this. I am a natural, so it’s not so easy for me to explain. It’s like Tiger Woods describing how to read a putt. On approach, you want to seem as big and tall as possible to trigger her fear-reflex. Then, at the time she lets you move into her personal zone (if you don’t know when this is, just stay on the green circles and stop fucking up my moguls), it’s time to execute the repositioning of feet where you can trap her and bring yourself down to her eye-level. If you can maintain eye contact with her for 1-5 minutes after this (depending on her hotness rating and drunkenness level), you’ve got her. Oh damn, imagine if girls had LEDs on their heads with their BACs on them? I’d be doing numbers like Sudoku.

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Girls are Boring

After approaching a few hundred young women, me and this guy concluded that it was shocking how few interesting things girls actually had to say. I mean, if you’re a girl and you go to a bar to talk to guys (have guys come up and talk to you), for the love of God at least have something interesting to say. I can’t even begin to count how many awful stories I’ve heard about “my crazy friends” while I’m standing there bored to tears trying to figure out if I can snort some of my beer if I tilt the bottle over far enough.

I think it has a lot to do with women in groups, since this is how they go out on the town. Girls are incredibly boring by themselves, and this effect is magnified in groups since the inertia just builds. While guys befriend girls for the emotional support and the indirect ass, girls befriend guys for much needed fun and excitement. Luckily, those needs are not in conflict with each other.

I used to think girls didn’t do many fun things because they were too conservative or nervous to try them. But then I learned the truth of how lame and unimaginative they really are. A very wise man once said: “If I was gay, I would never talk to a woman unless I absolutely had to. They are completely worthless.” That man was me in 2004. I am a prophet to my own gospel.

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Hitting on Girls in Front of their Boyfriends

Sometimes in life, I get bored. Sometimes I take a look around a bar and let out one of those boredom sighs while I look at my drink and figure out how I can possibly entertain myself for a few minutes while I’m waiting for someone or while I’m finishing my drink and trying to figure out where I can go to next.

It’s times like these that I issue myself Personal Honor Challenges (PHCs). It’s best to have a wingman egging you on to do things you’d issue PHCs for, but this isn’t always an option. This tactic is eerily similar to the DC Hero Drinking Game where you get 1 point for telling someone else to drink and you get 2 points for telling yourself to drink. Pulling off a combo is a 3-pointer. And of course, the points don’t mean anything because like everyone who’s over the age of 15 should know, it doesn’t matter who wins drinking games.

Anyway, hitting on a girl in front of her boyfriend is a fantastic PHC. But there’s a few things you need to keep in mind when you do this:

  1. Make sure you can kick the guy’s ass if he tries to fight you
  2. Wait until he leaves her side to make your approach, you want him to “catch you in the act” to get the most excitement out of this situation
  3. Pick a girl who you’d classify as a “no-doubter” (there’s no doubt you could pick her up if she was single)
  4. The drunker she is the better
  5. Try to isolate her from her friends who will try to save her
  6. No matter what happens, stay until they walk away from you or until 10 minutes elapse, whichever happens first. At that point let out a satisfied smile and move on. You’re not trying to actually pick her up, you’re trying to entertain yourself.

Another great PHC is using “the mumble” as a pickup line. In this challenge, the idea is to prove that opening lines don’t mean anything by mumbling a stumble of incomprehensible nonsense to a girl, followed by an attentive pause. If she asks you “What?” like 88% of females I surveyed, give her an expression that can best be described as ‘expecting an answer.’ This will really make her think. In fact, ‘Making Her Think’ is an unstoppable and timeless flirting tactic that requires space of it’s own. That’s next in my queue.

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Bars in Winter

Winter

Bars change dramatically when Winter (defined as having a weather.com “feels-like” temperature below 35 degrees Fahrenheit) comes. The streets are almost empty, no one will wait in line to get in anywhere, outdoor parts of bars are closed or enclosed, girls are bundled up, everyone is worried about someone stealing their jacket (which has happened to me no less than twice), and for once the fat people aren’t sweating because it’s FUCKING FREEZING.

In my experience, when fat people aren’t busy sweating or being sick, they’re either eating or drinking alcohol. Therefore, while summertime is an optimal time to go out for fit individuals, the Winter is equally optimal for fat people. They can wear more clothes to cover up unsightly pounds, they can avoid sweat and associated body odor, and they are naturally immune to the cold. More importantly, they can safely prowl while fit individuals are busy hibernating. You might ask: “But, DC Hero: what can we do to stop the fatties from taking over public areas during the Winter months?”

There’s only one answer: Global Warming. It’s the only way. Stop giving your money to charity. Instead, use your extra cash to buy as much gasoline (or diesel if possible, I think it works better) as you can afford and set it ablaze at the highest point above sea level you can transport the gasoline to. This will help the carbon dioxide get to the upper atmosphere where it works best. Try to breathe as much as possible when doing this to produce even more carbon dioxide. If Al Gore is right, and by God I hope he is, we’re on a tipping point with Global Warming and even the slightest increases in carbon dioxide production will crank up the heat in this bitch big time.

Do it for your country. Do it for the skinny bitches. And do it because we need to keep fat people where they belong: not in public.

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