Bars in Winter


Bars change dramatically when Winter (defined as having a “feels-like” temperature below 35 degrees Fahrenheit) comes. The streets are almost empty, no one will wait in line to get in anywhere, outdoor parts of bars are closed or enclosed, girls are bundled up, everyone is worried about someone stealing their jacket (which has happened to me no less than twice), and for once the fat people aren’t sweating because it’s FUCKING FREEZING.

In my experience, when fat people aren’t busy sweating or being sick, they’re either eating or drinking alcohol. Therefore, while summertime is an optimal time to go out for fit individuals, the Winter is equally optimal for fat people. They can wear more clothes to cover up unsightly pounds, they can avoid sweat and associated body odor, and they are naturally immune to the cold. More importantly, they can safely prowl while fit individuals are busy hibernating. You might ask: “But, DC Hero: what can we do to stop the fatties from taking over public areas during the Winter months?”

There’s only one answer: Global Warming. It’s the only way. Stop giving your money to charity. Instead, use your extra cash to buy as much gasoline (or diesel if possible, I think it works better) as you can afford and set it ablaze at the highest point above sea level you can transport the gasoline to. This will help the carbon dioxide get to the upper atmosphere where it works best. Try to breathe as much as possible when doing this to produce even more carbon dioxide. If Al Gore is right, and by God I hope he is, we’re on a tipping point with Global Warming and even the slightest increases in carbon dioxide production will crank up the heat in this bitch big time.

Do it for your country. Do it for the skinny bitches. And do it because we need to keep fat people where they belong: not in public.


Filed under Science

4 responses to “Bars in Winter

  1. Me

    Shit man….do it for your bartenders! I had a 500 lb man give me his phone number this “winter”. That would never, ever happen in the “summer” (70-75 degree feels like?). They own the nights. Although I’m not gonna lie….I don’t mind the sloppy fat chicks, they tip excessively well.

  2. Sweating or being sick.


  3. Pingback: Relationship Practice Month « DC Hero To The Rescue

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