Monthly Archives: August 2008

Women Are Replaceable: Sarah Palin

I love being right.

John McCain is about to exploit something about women that, deep down, everyone knows to be true: they’re replaceable. This woman in some “Hillary supporters for Obama” group summed it up best:

Does John McCain think that women are just Lego blocks? Like he can just swap out a red one for a green one and the Hillary supporters won’t notice?

YES! He sure does! That’s the whole plan! It’s so obvious, it’s undeniable! And let me tell you something: it’s going to work. We’re talking about women here. Women are illogical and vindictive. They’re not going to look at her voting record, her NRA membership, or anything like that. Women will vote for her because she’s a woman and they’re mad at Barack for edging out a victory, end of story. Republicans are geniuses.

Now, this certainly doesn’t lock things up for McCain, but it gets him right back in the game. So here’s some advice for all you politicos out there: The election will be decided on how people feel the country is doing at the time of the election. The best predictor for this, by far, is gas prices. If gas prices are really high, people will want change and vote for Obama. If they aren’t (and things are going ok in Iraq) people will vote for McCain. It’s that simple. I’ll have my election prediction sometime in Mid-October and I won’t be wrong.

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Fucked Up Story of the Year: Rachel Hoffman

Here’s the link to the 20/20 story. Text article here.

The basics of the story are this:

  1. 23 year old FSU graduate gets busted for marijuana possession
  2. She goes to drug court, gets 1 year probation
  3. Her apartment gets raided, where cops find 4 ounces of marijuana (~$1000 worth) and 6 ecstasy pills (maybe $100) and tell her she has the choice to become an informant or face 5 years in prison.
  4. They send the girl on an informant mission. They give her $13,000 in marked bills and wire her. They set up a buy where she’s supposed to get 1500 ecstasy pills ($6,000 worth), half a kilo ($6,500 worth: this is my estimate, more on that in a second) of cocaine, and a handgun ($500).
  5. She’s set up to buy from 2 Black (I’m not being racist here, I’m just saying she’s obviously going to be intimidated by them) drug dealers she’s never met before.
  6. Her body is found shot execution-style the next day after the police (her backup) “lose her” when they fail at tailing her to the drug deal location.

There are so many things wrong here, I don’t even know where to start. The police claim that they lose her after the drug dealers change the location of the deal from the park to a parking lot to another 3rd location. Well, that sounds kind of reasonable, but WHY DON’T YOU CALL OFF THE FUCKING DRUG DEAL? I think when she called the cops on her cell phone as they were moving to a 3rd location might have been a good time to do that.

And everything about this girl screamed “I’m working with the cops” to these drug dealers. She drove what looks like a brand new Volvo S40, she’s buying half a kilo of cocaine (500 grams just happens to be lower threshold for Federal Trafficking penalties, which give you a minimum of 5 years in prison), she’s undoubtedly very nervous, she’s wearing a wire, and she’s buying a gun for no discernible reason. Incredible! So they suspect she’s an informant, find the wire, and decide to kill her for currently unknown reasons. I don’t even know what to say.

In another fucked up twist, her drug court probation specifically stated that she was not to come in contact with any drugs or drug paraphernalia. Also the drug court was never notified that she was going to be used as a confidential informant. They also painted her out to be a “known drug dealer” facing “multiple felonies” in the immediate aftermath of her death. They are now retracting this because she wasn’t facing any felonies and was lied to about the consequences she was actually facing. I guess that’s a small detail in the grand scheme of things here.

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The Best Interracial Couples

With election season at hand and both sides telling us how bad America is, it’s time to look at something America kicks the rest of the world’s ass at: interracial dating. Of course, mixed-race superiority (Tiger Woods, Barack Obama, and half-Asian girls worldwide) is becoming more and more apparent and, unsurprisingly, interracial marriages are becoming more and more common (~5% of American marriages in the 2000 Census). Eventually, these two factors will lead to a worldwide mixing of races that will make the lines between them greyer and greyer until they are all more or less indistinguishable from one other. We can only stab a guess as to when this will happen. What we can do is celebrate the classic interracial couple parings that will sadly fade over the coming Millenia. I will rank the top 5 pairings in an order I will reveal at the end:

5. Black man and slightly overweight White woman

This is probably the stereotype of stereotypes for interracial dating. I predict that America’s obesity epidemic will peak at the same exact moment Mulatto conception peaks. After that peak, this pairing will disappear into the yearbooks of yesteryear.

4. Nerdish White man and slightly flat chested Asian woman

The portrayal of girls in Anime comics/movies/video-games sinlessly describes the perfect woman for this growing segment of men. A combination of not speaking English, looking 14 years old, and being the most unintimidating human beings in the world provide the perfect aphrodisiac for nerds. I keep staring at this picture because it’s so damn perfect. Her Asian excitement is tempered by his somewhat creepy and Nerdy relief, which is combined with just the right amount of clinginess. Truly a match made in heaven.

3. Demanding Arab man and submissive White woman

A relative newcomer to the party, this fast-growing phenomenon is growing as some women realize that they don’t want to be the head of the household and, instead, would like to be dominated. I wouldn’t have taken this seriously if I didn’t read about it in a dating forum (I can’t find the link!) and hear about it colloquially. Keep an eye on this one.

2. Redhead man/woman and Nobody

Contrary to urban legend, red hair isn’t going to be vanished from humanity any time soon. Those recessive genes have the awful habit of hiding themselves in people. But we can all agree, if you have red heads at the top of your list, you’re truly a sick fuck.

1. Cougars and young Latino men

I think the whole “pool boy banging the right housewife” stereotype is just a rationalization of Cougar-lust for the relentless Latino Heat. And let’s be honest here, the whole ‘Eva Longoria banging the gardener to cheat on her Latino husband’ plot on Desperate Housewives was nothing more than a clever way to reshape the reality of the legend. It’s obvious that Eva should be a wealthy, retired White model banging her Latino gardener. If girls out there already knew this, please let me know.

Oh, and the order from 1-5 goes: 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. Thanks for playing.

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Obama’s VP

I think when he said “I want someone who will challenge me every step of the way”, he made it pretty clear that Joe Biden is going to be the guy. Especially with the deadlock in the polls, I don’t see another way he could go. Last I saw, sportsbooks.com had Biden at +300. I like those odds right now, go ahead and make some free money.

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A Real Badass

From an existentialist point of view, a badass is someone who doesn’t think or worry about the thoughts or feelings of others and concerns themselves with what ‘is’ instead of what was or what could be. These people tend not to have the types of qualities that appear to be endemic to other human beings, and revel in the opportunities that the collective absurdities of the world give them. Lee Murray is a certified badass. Let’s look at a list of accomplishments here (in no particular order):

  1. He knocked Tito Ortiz out cold in an alley fight outside of a British nightclub after UFC 38
  2. He’s the mastermind of the largest cash heist in history
  3. He’s claiming asylum in Morocco, whose King will not extradite any of his subjects (Murray is a Moroccan citizen automatically because his father is Moroccan).
  4. He bought a $1.5M gated house in Rabat. At the urging of British authorities, he was watched closely by Moroccan police and was subsequently arrested and convicted for cocaine and hashish possession. He’s currently serving 8 months in solitary confinement
  5. He fought in 1 MMA fight on US soil (UFC 46, winning by submission in under 2 minutes). His work visa was revoked after he was charged with nearly beating a motorist to death after the guy cut him off and ‘scraped his car’.
  6. He was stabbed in another street fight in Mayfair in 2005, collapsing in a pool of blood after being attacked by 3 men. He survived after being resuscitated 4 times, owing his life to on-duty nurses to literally ran bags of blood back from a local blood bank.

This thing has Hollywood written all over it in some fucked up modern-day version of The Natural. I mean, the guy has a pile of money stored in Morocco and, if he can prove his father’s Moroccan citizenship, he can live as a free criminal there for the rest of his life. The fact Morocco won’t extradite any of it’s people is the most interesting twist in this whole thing. Here’s a quote from Murray’s lawyer:

The extradition of Moroccan Lee Murray is not possible if one respects Moroccan law, because it blocks extraditing a Moroccan citizen regardless of whatever he stands accused of.

An ESPN reporter was inverviewing one of Murray’s friends when Murray called the friend from prison. The friend told Murray the reporter was there, and Murray said the reporter could ask him 1 question. The reporter froze at this unexpected opportunity and, thinking it would be foolish to ask a ‘did you do it’ question, asked him what his favorite movie was. Murray said: “I have three… Scarface, Gotti, and The Heist” before he hung up the phone.

Lives by his own rules? Check.

Takes shit from nobody? Check.

Number of life regrets: 0

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Justifying My Fear of Cars

I shouldn’t have to justify my fear of getting hit by a car as a pedestrian. They’re huge and fast objects controlled by human beings of questionable sobriety who have no real qualifications other than being over the age of 16. However, a shocking majority of people have no fear of getting steamrolled by Jose when he takes a ‘we can make it’ yield-on-green left turn with his cargo van full of illegal immigrants when a blinking red hand is cautiously telling them to cross. So if my friends want to make fun of me for not jaywalking across Connecticut Avenue because ‘the cars will stop, they always stop’, they can go right ahead.

It probably doesn’t surprise you that 1.2 million people are killed worldwide in traffic accidents. It probably does surprise you that 800,000 of these people are pedestrians, and most of them probably didn’t just knowingly jump in front of a moving vehicle. You might say “yeah man, but 70% of those killed are in developing countries”. If you happened to say that, I’d say something like… ahem, “Do you have any idea how many drivers came from those developing countries? Have you ever been in a cab? The streets are literally filled with cabs driven by drivers from developing countries.”

Since I’ve been faced with this very clear and present danger for almost a quarter-century now, I’ve developed a list of things you can do to be a safer pedestrian. Let’s just get to the list:

  1. You should be exponentially more scared of shitty beaters. The likelihood of a car hitting you goes up as the driver’s income goes down. Since the shittiness of the car is a pretty good measure of the driver’s income, this is rule #1.
  2. Under no circumstances is it a good idea to walk in front of a moving bus, tractor-trailer, or any other exceptionally large vehicle. They have trouble seeing and stopping. Wait the 5 seconds for them to take the right turn.
  3. To compute the danger value of a U-Haul truck, multiply it’s normal size based value by 1500 to account for the shocking inexperience of the driver.
  4. Remember that cars with Mexican plates want to hit you so they can kidnap you and hold you for ransom
  5. High School students after getting out of school will hit anything and everything in between them and the drugs waiting for them at home. Gas prices are really high now, so the rich kids are the only ones driving to and from High School nowadays. Their natural wealth-driven propensity for drugs makes the percentage of drug starved (or riddled) teenagers on the road higher than ever.

Then there’s the obvious stuff like looking out for right-turners, left-turners, and using herds of fat people as a collective human shield between you and and oncoming traffic. I just thought of this movie “Death Race 2000“, which is unquestionably the greatest sci-fi movie ever made. In a breakthrough role, Sly Stallone plays “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo who, as one of the World’s great Death Race drivers, drives across the country killing innocent people in a quest for the Transcontinental Road Race title. I don’t remember what points were tied to which pedestrians, but it suffices to say that the values were non-PC but fair. The whole thing is 5 stars, a must see.

And if you think you can be some kind of pedestrian/car hybrid by getting a motorcycle, you might as well save time and decapitate yourself now to get it over with. Oh, and I wrote this post from a hipster coffee shop. I think that puts me 1 step closer to being a ‘real blogger’, right?

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The Metric System is Not ‘Better’

To continue my war on people who pretend to know Science, I have to attack a growing group of people whose lips have a very special place on my ass: people who think the metric system is fundamentally perfect as a system of measurement.

If you feel like this, you probably think that the meter (metre) is somehow holier than the foot because you think the meter is based on some beautiful complex calculation involving the speed of light and the foot is based on the foot of some ancient King. Well you’re fucking wrong, Shiloh. The meter was initially set as one ten-millionth of the length of the Earth’s meridian along a quadrant. Of course, when they measured it in the late 1700s they got it wrong, but they just ‘went with it.’ Then 100 years later they made a rod that was the ‘meter rod’. Then a bunch of people got together and decided they would replace the rod with some length in terms of the speed of light in a vaccum. Seems logical enough, right? So they ended up with this nice, easy-to-remember definition:

The metre is the length of the path travelled by light in vacuum during a time interval of 1/299 792 458 of a second.

Are you fucking kidding me? Why not just simplify things and make it 1/300,000,000? Just to fuck with people? And who the hell defines a second anyway? You metric assholes decide to change the rulers but not the clocks?

So if we’re all honest here, the meter is just as arbitrary as the foot. Now, metric-mongers have their arguments about why the metric system is better which can be broken down into 4 categories:

  1. There’s 1 unit of measurement for each physical quantity (length, volume, mass, force, etc.)
  2. Scalability with prefixes (milli, kilo, etc.)
  3. Decimal system (no fractions)
  4. Everyone else uses it

#1 and #2 are really the same thing. There’s no reason we can’t have kilo-foot or mega-foot instead of using miles. We can thow out inches and use millifeet, there’s nothing stopping us from doing that. For volume, I’m sure everybody could use a good deci-gallon of beer. And wait a second, #3 follows directly from #1 and #2. In fact, they’re all saying the same thing.

So, friends, what is this whole Metric nonsense really about? It’s not about one system being more ‘right’ or being ‘easier to use’. It’s not ’embarrassing’ that we don’t use the Metric system either. If every self-hating 17 year old American could stop saying these things, it would really start to clarify things: the ONLY advantage the metric system has is #4: Everyone else uses it. Well, that and the fact you don’t have to remember conversion factors when converting units, but we could fix this by metrifying our system to base everything on the foot the same way everything in the metric system is based on the meter.

So it begs the question: Why invent the meter in the first place? Why not just keep the foot and standardize it’s size? And did it really have to be THREE TIMES larger? I mean, Cubits had a pretty good run, and they were around 18 inches long. Did it really have to be based on the meridian of the Earth? Was that really necessary?

Oh, some other things to keep in mind are how the inch is defined as 25.4mm (wait, so we are on the metric system…) and that my Japanese car has rims specified in inches and tires inflated in psi. Nobody is fully on or off the metric system. And another thing: anyone who thinks it’s ok to have 30 degrees of separation for describing the current temperature is retarted. Celsius is a joke. Temperatures specified in Farenheit are clearly superior in quickly communicating the level of temperature with their finer degree of precision and more variable significant digit.

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