No Asians 2008

So my uh friend, Will, has made a New Year’s resolution like any self-respecting gentleman would. He’s proclaimed that, in sharp dissonance with his past, there will be no Asian love in 2008. He doesn’t have any good reasons to do this, he just wanted to see if he could do it. To prove it to himself.

Wikipedia, in it’s infinite wisdom, defines an Asian fetish as the sexual objectification of Asians who are “objectified and valued not for who they are as people, but for their race or perceptions of their culture.” Besides a high probability of having been written by a virgin, that definition completely disregards their physical hotness and numerical mastery. Sorry Wikipedia, you are wrong. I will tell my friend Will to correct it when he gets a chance. There’s nothing wrong with liking a racial group as long as you like other racial groups. If it gets to the point where you’re ignoring hot girls because they’re not in your so called ‘fetish’ group, you officially have a problem. Or you’re gay. Yeah, probably the latter.

Will agrees that many sides of this Asian issue has been covered before. We’ve decided that only two things are really left to be said:

1. Asian Persuasion is the most powerful spell that can be cast on a man. If any part of history should be changed, the Sirens in Greek mythology should be Asian.
2. Girls who are White on the outside but Asian on the inside are called ‘Eggs’. This is just a result of women from all cultures taking note of the power of the Asian Persuasion and using it for their own good, defying their genetic makeup. I think guys copy Blacks and Latinos for similar gains, but I really don’t know. We’ll have to investigate that one further.

Will Will have the willpower to achieve greatness in 2008? Only 10 months to go!

Getting Defensive

I got paid the highest compliment the other day: “you never get defensive”. I’d never heard that one before, but it got me to thinking how damning it is to get defensive in an argument or anytime you are challenged. It might be the single most beta thing you can do (ok, that’s an overstatement).

Let’s say someone questions why you get so emotional in arguments. Getting defensive here, bringing your voice up an octave and repeating the same words used in the question: “I don’t get emotional in arguments” just disproves your contention. You just confirmed you’re a whiny bitch who doesn’t have any confidence in disproving the interrogator because they obviously hit a weak spot. You appear (and are) unprepared for the attack, and it makes you look vulnerable and pathetic. Men getting defensive over criticism from a female is just awful. I feel personally embarrassed when I witness it.

Instead of getting defensive, it’s better to either:

1. Ignore the attacker, roll your eyes
2. Agree with the attacker and leave them on the attack. If you listen intently enough and they go on talking for long enough, they will eventually contradict themselves. Then you can simply point this out. This is kind of like that Simpsons episode where Homer was a boxer and all he did was wait for the other guy to get tired before he pushed him over. This is a great way to win almost any argument. Very few people can put together a consistent attack where they don’t contradict themselves.
3. Fight fire with fire and go on the attack. Make sure you attack your attacker on something that hits them harder than what they are hitting you with. They will most likely go on the defensive. Oh, how the proverbial tables have turned (side note, where the hell did “tables turning” come from anyway?).

“Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go.” – Oprah Winfrey :0

I’d like to thank Hillary Clinton’s emotional and defensive stance on Obama’s NAFTA accusations for providing the perfect picture for this blog post.

Calling An Audible

In football, the quaterback calls an audible when the defense presents an unexpected challenge and he needs to readjust his team’s strategy based on the new information he has. In HeroTalk (and urban dictionary, of course), ‘Calling An Audible’ is defined as coming up with a new plan (in mere seconds) when the original plan goes awry. You can be by yourself when you call an audible, you don’t have to be with a team per se. Since you alone constitute a team, you can call audibles for yourself. However, even if you’re by yourself you have to call the audible out loud because, for God’s sake, it’s an ‘audible’.  There are a few different ways the original plan can go awry (be too fucked up to remain as the plan). For fun, I’ll make a list:

1. When a significant part of the team doesn’t want to execute the original plan anymore. When I say ‘significant part’ I don’t mean ‘large percentage’, since there’s only a few key members of a group who’s opinions matter anyway. Followers opinions never count. And, of course, if you’re the only one who doesn’t like the original plan, this situation applies. You, by yourself, are a significant part of the team. These are 90% of audible situations.
2. When the team arrives at the location the plan was supposed to take place, the plan can no longer take place for logistical reasons. Good examples of this are if the place is closed or the place doesn’t actually exist. Big time dissapointment. The old plan is dead, and a new plan needs to be audibled.
3. When circumstances present themselves that make the plan impossible without urgent and remarkable effort, often under excruciating circumstances, but the plan is still viable.

In all of these cases, it’s time to step up and call an audible. I always make this clear when I do it by prefacing my audible with “I’m calling an audible…” to let the team know that the plan is changing. The key to calling a good audible is pretty simple: your team needs to be really excited about the audible being called. Leadership is paramount.

Calling an audible is my 3rd favorite life activity after 1. Reading racist jokes on the internet and 2. Asian sex. As such, I’d highly recommend it. I called an audible the other day when I was driving to work. It was 71° in the middle of February, and I didn’t want to go to work. I called an audible, picked somebody up, and drove into the Shenandoahs instead for a day in the mountains.

This act is closely related to the basic life principle of never getting trapped into doing something you don’t want to do, no matter how long you’ve planned for it or how many people are doing it. Some people would say avoiding a task like that at the last minute and “calling an audible” is immature and childish. Those people would be right. But fuck them, they won’t be ready for the other 10% of audible situations.

Term of the Day: Slut Spiral

Urban dictionary defines a Slut Spiral as the act of continually lowering your standards so that each new sexual partner is worse than the last.

I define a Love Spiral to be the act of continually lowering your standards until the number of sexual partners available reaches a satisfactory number.

Aligning a Slut Spiral with a Love Spiral will create a Spring. This is known as the Spring of Happiness that will bounce like bunny rabbits through the Fornication Forest. There’s something about the kid in that picture that makes me want to punch him in the face, I’m not sure what it is.

Who’s More Sexist?

I don’t really know the answer to this one: are there more (straight) women who hate men or more (straight) men who hate women? The obvious choice is to go with more women hating men, but there are just so many guys who really hate women for “what they’ve done to them.” The biggest difference I can see is that a girl won’t bang (as many) men if she (temporarily) is juiced up on man-hatred. Most guys I know love hate-sex, so they’d have no problem banging females if they hated women.

I’m thinking that there are probably more men who hate women (and still bang them) than the other way around. Deep down, women can’t hate men. It goes back to an old adage my buddy used all the time about girls who swore off men at some point:

“They always go back to men. They need men.”

It’s just such a true statement. Girls will come up with these false notions of how “he’s changed” or “he’s matured” or “it will be different”, but the fact of the matter is: girls are too bad at initiating things and being creative to have an optimal level of fun without men being involved. You know, that and the fact that girls need sex a lot more than guys do. Emphasis on need.

I’m pretty sure men don’t need women until they’re old, probably because they need someone to take care of their increasing health problems.

The Comfort Zone

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

– Albert Einstein

The greatest mistake you can make is not making any. Stop being such a pussy.

– DC Hero

I swear it’s like every day I hear about somebody who is afraid to go out on a limb and make a mistake. It’s this ‘What-if’ game people play to talk themselves out of doing things. “What if I get fired?”, “What if I move there and I don’t make any friends?”, “What if I break up with him and I don’t find someone as good as him?”, “What if these warts never go away?”. It’s a scientific fact that 90% of all fears are fears of failure. It’s ridiculous, it needs to stop already, and it’s ruining this country.

I’ve come up with this logic: being afraid of failure will put you in the Comfort Zone. The Comfort Zone is defined as an eternal state of pussification that is categorized by a continuous cycle of anxiousness, false-security, and self-doubt. The Comfort Zone is most readily observed in guys in long term relationships under the age of 25 who run to their girlfriends to make things better the same way a 3 year old runs to mommy to make things better. I know this because I’ve been there.

You might be thinking: ‘Yo, whatever dude. I like the comfort zone. Take this shit somewhere else’. But friend, what will happen when your comfort zone collapses? When you lose your job? When you get dumped? When someone close to you passes away? When the Patriots lose the Super Bowl? Notice I didn’t play the ‘what-if’ game here. These things will happen, and the Comfort Zone is the worst way to prepare for any of them.

I saw this article today talking about an unexplained 20% rise in suicides for middle aged people (age 45-54). I have a feeling that a sudden fear of the Comfort Zone is related to a mid-life crisis. I have a related feeling that since people are becoming more entrenched in the Comfort Zone, they are increasingly seeing suicide as the only solution to this mid-life crisis.

If this is true, we need to stand up and do something about this. I see failing miserably as the only cure for being in the Comfort Zone. Overcoming fear of failure by failing. I like it. Since most people won’t fail if given the choice, we’ll have to take the choice away from them and impose failure on them instead. I propose that March 1st becomes National Fail Day. Everyone should take their time to set up a close friend or confidant for failure on this day. This is similar to April Fool’s Day (the best holiday ever), but on a larger scale. A good example of a National Fail Day prank would be to have someone who the target doesn’t know call the target and “fire” them due to knowledge that you would know that would get them fired. Make sure the person who is calling identifies themselves as a lawyer or somebody from “corporate headquarters” because their boss did not want to make the call given the circumstances.

Other examples of National Fail Day pranks include fake breakups and any other fake but emotional news. Remember, it can be negative OR positive news. Just remember to reveal it’s fakeness at the optimal time. I can’t wait for this fantastic new holiday.

Growing My Hair Out: A Scientific Study, Part II

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For some reason, the post on growing my hair out receives roughly half of all traffic this website gets. I take this to mean that there are shockingly few resources available for the gentleman who wants to make the transition from his current military look into a longer style. If you are considering doing this, and you’ve never had hair longer than 1/4″ like I did, you might be curious about how you’re supposed to do this. Have no fear, the DC Hero is here for you.

Since I actually did this, and experienced a reasonable level of success, I can give you the following advice if you plan on trying this and you have no experience with hair. If you have hair, you might find this amusing, but I knew almost none of these things:

• Keep the sides trim. This is extremely important because that weird hair on the edges of your hairline will grow just like the hair on the top of your head that you’re really trying to grow. You want to avoid the “growing out phase” for your hair as much as possible.
• Get an impartial female hair consultant (IFHC). This is also very important. You have to find a girl who can guide your hair growing who you are sure has no interest in you and who will still have no interest in you as your hair gets longer and your sexiness increases exponentially. A relative is a good choice.
• Don’t be afraid of hair products. I used to buy my shampoo at the dollar store because it just didn’t matter. One time, I washed my hair with soap for 2 months straight. If you have hair longer than 1.5 inches, you want to consider all of the shampoos, conditioners, and gels available to you for you to look your best. Ask your IFHC what works best for you. Personally, I use a brand of “radiant brunette” shampoo and conditioner because it so perfectly describes my hair and it’s brilliance.
• Grow it until it starts to look definitively bad. Don’t stop growing it until you’re sure it looks it’s best. You can always cut it off at a moments notice, but you can’t grow it in a moments notice. You may have to run through stop signs from your IFHC to find your limit.
• Go to Target and get some hair clippers. They’re $15-$20 and they will come in handy.

If you need inspiration on why you should abandon your 1950’s hairstyle and you’re afraid to do it, you have to accept the fact that you’re a pussy and do it anyway. Here are some reasons why (in no particular order):

1. Girls love it.
2. Girls will run their fingers through your hair instead of rubbing your head for good luck.
3. It will make you look taller (God knows I need that)
4. You will have a wider variety of available head-looks to match any theme gala that may present itself
5. It will draw attention away from your other facial imperfections (God knows I need that)
6. It is a conversation starter you will always have with you
7. It makes you look older/younger. The duality here is a scientific phenomenon.
8. Constant mohawk opportunity
9. Almost every big Hollywood actor has long hair. They must know what’s up.
10. You may start drawing the coveted “He looks like (Johnny Depp/Russell Crowe/Superman)” comments that give you instant bangability credentials.
11. It hides your embarrassing receding hairline.
12. You will learn enough about hair to be able to discuss it with girls while you’re hitting on them. Girls generally like talking about their hair and the hair of others in eye-shot of the conversation location.

This might get tough this summer when it gets really hot, and I’ll have to re-evaluate at that point. But until then, it’s a solid idea. At least it gives you some kind of achievable short term goal.

The Phenomenon of Valentine’s Day

You might think Valentine’s day is a holiday invented by, or at least popularized by, the collective greeting card industry. That’s because it was, in the mid 1800’s. But that’s one of those historical facts that doesn’t matter so much. What matters is it’s tomorrow, and it coincides with the dramatic but inevitable conclusion of Relationship Practice Month.

Because it’s such a grand and rapidly approaching occasion, I chose to turn to an old friend (Google, I’ve been on that shit since ’98 bitches) to ask him about the two most frequently purchased Valentine’s Day presents outside of condoms: roses and chocolate. I’m pretty sure roses are romantic because they’re pretty and they smell good, but their beauty fades quickly so the girl can win one of the never-ending string of beauty contests she experiences. And I’m pretty sure chocolate is romantic because it so obviously says “you aren’t fat”. But, when consulting with said friend, to my absolute shock and horror:

Your search – “why are roses romantic” – did not match any documents.

Results 1 – 2 of 2 for “why is chocolate romantic“

I mean, are you serious, Google? All of a sudden you don’t know something? I can’t blame Google, simply because it’s so obviously better than it’s closest competitor Yahoo! (lose that fucking exclamation point already, the tech-bubble bursted like 10 years ago). Maybe when Powerset gets out of beta and into a full release it will be different, but that’s still kind of a long shot.

Wait, what was the point of this shit again? Oh yeah, if you copy a poem off the Internet, and you want to give it as a Valentine’s Day present to a girl who digs that shit and pass it off as your own, make sure you change around the words in the best lines to avoid being foiled by Google.

Softball, Steriods, and Drunken Orgies

I read this story this morning. Full coverage and analysis to come if I feel like it later on.

Edit: You know what, this doesn’t even deserve the space on this blog. This story is overblown, as I can tell now from the obnoxious number of buzzwords (mafia, orgy, steroids, etc.) the prison official uses in his assessment of the situation. And I watched the associated video, where I uncovered the punchline to this story: the prison official is writing a book on how he cleaned house. Unbelievable, CNN should be ashamed of themselves.

Chicks With Short Hair

Holy shit, nothing makes a girl more instantly unattractive than having short hair. Out of the 15-20 girls who I saw before and after getting a short haircut, approximately 0% of them looked better with short hair. Actually, exactly 0% of them looked better with short hair. It sucks, and it should be outlawed from this country.

Since the DC Hero is all about action because he’s had enough of the dialogue, let’s move on from the discussion about whether or not girls should have short hair, agree that they shouldn’t, and think about how we can reverse this disturbing phenomenon.

I propose blatant discrimination of all girls under the age of 30 who are not married and have hair shorter than ‘shoulder-length’. Exceptions will be made in extraordinary circumstances. If you feel you qualify for such an exception, send an email with a picture to helpmehero at gmail dot com and, if prompted, be prepared to show up in person at my Arlington headquarters on the Sunday following your email for an inspection. A passed inspection will exempt you for a year. 2 years if you ‘ace’ it.

Now what happens if you have hair shorter than the discriminatory length and you don’t have an exception? I have an army of Mexicans working at almost every restaurant in the greater Washington metro area. They are equipped with castor oil vials that they are currently testing on the fat people I’m trying to get rid of. (Yeah, fatty, eat those mashed potatoes. You’ll regret you ever ate anything 2 hours from now.) You could go to a restaurant where no Mexicans work in the back. Good luck with that one. I’ll sick them on you like skinny White boys on Asian girls.

There’s no worse feeling than chronic diarrhea. I almost wish that being forced to take diarrhea-inducing medication was a sentence for a crime, or used in conjunction with a jail sentence. I mean, what crime would be equivalent to being on the john for 8 hours a day with chronic diarrhea for something like 3 years? Man, that’s disgusting. Too bad for you that I don’t read or edit this stuff before I post it.