Growing My Hair Out: A Scientific Study, Part II

DC Hero To The Rescue

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johnny depp hair

For some reason, the post on growing my hair out receives roughly half of all traffic this website gets. I take this to mean that there are shockingly few resources available for the gentleman who wants to make the transition from his current military look into a longer style. If you are considering doing this, and you’ve never had hair longer than 1/4″ like I did, you might be curious about how you’re supposed to do this. Have no fear, the DC Hero is here for you.

Since I actually did this, and experienced a reasonable level of success, I can give you the following advice if you plan on trying this and you have no experience with hair. If you have hair, you might find this amusing, but I knew almost none of these things:

  • Keep the sides trim. This is extremely important because that weird hair on the edges of your hairline will grow just like the hair on the top of your head that you’re really trying to grow. You want to avoid the “growing out phase” for your hair as much as possible.
  • Get an impartial female hair consultant (IFHC). This is also very important. You have to find a girl who can guide your hair growing who you are sure has no interest in you and who will still have no interest in you as your hair gets longer and your sexiness increases exponentially. A relative is a good choice.
  • Don’t be afraid of hair products. I used to buy my shampoo at the dollar store because it just didn’t matter. One time, I washed my hair with soap for 2 months straight. If you have hair longer than 1.5 inches, you want to consider all of the shampoos, conditioners, and gels available to you for you to look your best. Ask your IFHC what works best for you. Personally, I use a brand of “radiant brunette” shampoo and conditioner because it so perfectly describes my hair and it’s brilliance.
  • Grow it until it starts to look definitively bad. Don’t stop growing it until you’re sure it looks it’s best. You can always cut it off at a moments notice, but you can’t grow it in a moments notice. You may have to run through stop signs from your IFHC to find your limit.
  • Go to Target and get some hair clippers. They’re $15-$20 and they will come in handy.

If you need inspiration on why you should abandon your 1950’s hairstyle and you’re afraid to do it, you have to accept the fact that you’re a pussy and do it anyway. Here are some reasons why (in no particular order):

  1. Girls love it.
  2. Girls will run their fingers through your hair instead of rubbing your head for good luck.
  3. It will make you look taller (God knows I need that)
  4. You will have a wider variety of available head-looks to match any theme gala that may present itself
  5. It will draw attention away from your other facial imperfections (God knows I need that)
  6. It is a conversation starter you will always have with you
  7. It makes you look older/younger. The duality here is a scientific phenomenon.
  8. Constant mohawk opportunity
  9. Almost every big Hollywood actor has long hair. They must know what’s up.
  10. You may start drawing the coveted “He looks like (Johnny Depp/Russell Crowe/Superman)” comments that give you instant bangability credentials.
  11. It hides your embarrassing receding hairline.
  12. You will learn enough about hair to be able to discuss it with girls while you’re hitting on them. Girls generally like talking about their hair and the hair of others in eye-shot of the conversation location.

This might get tough this summer when it gets really hot, and I’ll have to re-evaluate at that point. But until then, it’s a solid idea. At least it gives you some kind of achievable short term goal.



Filed under Science

9 responses to “Growing My Hair Out: A Scientific Study, Part II

  1. Me

    There was a time, a few years ago, when I was dating military hair guy that I used to legitimately crave the ability to run my hands through a man’s hair. When I expressed these emotions to my girls, I found that they too had experienced the same thing! How weird is that? We could not figure out any sort of rationale for the phenomenon because for the most part men look ridiculous with long hair (with obvious exclusions hero). Maybe it is a Hollywood thing bc you’re right, I had never realized that most stars have a mop. Also I just realized how long I’ve been writing about hair and how I could go on for at least 37 more pages. Hair totally works for the ladies. Breakthrough my friend….well done.

  2. wow very insightful post about hair. Keep going DC. Its gonna get a lot worse before it get better.

  3. can IFHC go on my resume?

  4. Pingback: Pages tagged "impartial"

  5. oh and i found this post ( apparently he doesn’t think hair is that important.

  6. Hair matters for all of the reasons stated above. Amazing hair will get you places in life for all the reasons stated above. End of story.

  7. spaceman

    i had the most uncontrollable long hair for awhile, i never had any problems with chicks while it was grown out though.

    then i moved to the sub tropics and cut that shit way short. maybe this winter ill give it another chance.

  8. spaceman, that sounds like a great idea. Tough it out through the awkward intermediate length phase, the pot of gold is at the end of the rainbow.

  9. Hair The Musical

    Your sample size is too small, and you need a control group. Try applying for government grants.

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