After Inbev’s brutal buyout of the most American Institution of them all, Budweiser, I decided I would never drink a Budweiser product again. Then those Euro-assholes have the audacity to shove a decidedly confusing product, ‘American Lager’, down our throats during football season. What the hell? It brings us one step closer to Sundays drinking 2 Heineken and watching EPL soccer instead of drinking a pony keg of Busch Light and browning out between the 4pm and 8pm NFL games.
This boycott, combined with the merger of Miller and Coors, left me with only one economical beer company to pick from. When I was out drinking beer made by said beer company, I was notified by some guy who probably was one of those kids to brought a 6 pack of expensive beer to underage keggers (I fucking hated those kids! seriously, who did they think they were? chug your beast lite like a good 17 year old, asshole) that I was “drinking nothing but beer flavored water and alcohol.”
I said, “you know what, asshole? I wish I was drinking beer flavored water and alcohol”. Because really, I don’t drink beer for the taste. I drink it because the pace of drinking it over the course of the night is perfectly matched to the level of drunkenness I want to get to. I would love to get the alcohol without getting the calories, in fact. This brings me to Miller 64, the 64 calorie beer from MillerCoors. Oh yes, perfect, this is exactly what I need! Wait, it’s only 2.8% alcohol? You mean the alcohol itself has calories? This brings us to a crossroads. The calories in alcohol are the real energy crisis!
Shouldn’t somebody we working on calorie-free alcohol? Dammit, this is America, and we like our women skinny and drunk. Oh wait, I guess we already have calorie-free alcohol. I think it’s called ‘drugs’. Splenda Kool-Aid + Roofies = 0 Calorie Fun. But there’s no way I’m taking those again, I need something with the same exact effect of alcohol in Alka-Seltzer form so I can drop it in water instead of carrying beer everywhere I want to drink it. It would be called “Beer Zero” to build on the “Coke Zero” paradigm. This idea would still be successful if it didn’t have 0 calories.