After Inbev’s brutal buyout of the most American Institution of them all, Budweiser, I decided I would never drink a Budweiser product again. Then those Euro-assholes have the audacity to shove a decidedly confusing product, ‘American Lager’, down our throats during football season. What the hell? It brings us one step closer to Sundays drinking 2 Heineken and watching EPL soccer instead of drinking a pony keg of Busch Light and browning out between the 4pm and 8pm NFL games.
This boycott, combined with the merger of Miller and Coors, left me with only one economical beer company to pick from. When I was out drinking beer made by said beer company, I was notified by some guy who probably was one of those kids to brought a 6 pack of expensive beer to underage keggers (I fucking hated those kids! seriously, who did they think they were? chug your beast lite like a good 17 year old, asshole) that I was “drinking nothing but beer flavored water and alcohol.”
I said, “you know what, asshole? I wish I was drinking beer flavored water and alcohol”. Because really, I don’t drink beer for the taste. I drink it because the pace of drinking it over the course of the night is perfectly matched to the level of drunkenness I want to get to. I would love to get the alcohol without getting the calories, in fact. This brings me to Miller 64, the 64 calorie beer from MillerCoors. Oh yes, perfect, this is exactly what I need! Wait, it’s only 2.8% alcohol? You mean the alcohol itself has calories? This brings us to a crossroads. The calories in alcohol are the real energy crisis!
Shouldn’t somebody we working on calorie-free alcohol? Dammit, this is America, and we like our women skinny and drunk. Oh wait, I guess we already have calorie-free alcohol. I think it’s called ‘drugs’. Splenda Kool-Aid + Roofies = 0 Calorie Fun. But there’s no way I’m taking those again, I need something with the same exact effect of alcohol in Alka-Seltzer form so I can drop it in water instead of carrying beer everywhere I want to drink it. It would be called “Beer Zero” to build on the “Coke Zero” paradigm. This idea would still be successful if it didn’t have 0 calories.
Here’s the link to the 20/20 story. Text article here.
The basics of the story are this:
- 23 year old FSU graduate gets busted for marijuana possession
- She goes to drug court, gets 1 year probation
- Her apartment gets raided, where cops find 4 ounces of marijuana (~$1000 worth) and 6 ecstasy pills (maybe $100) and tell her she has the choice to become an informant or face 5 years in prison.
- They send the girl on an informant mission. They give her $13,000 in marked bills and wire her. They set up a buy where she’s supposed to get 1500 ecstasy pills ($6,000 worth), half a kilo ($6,500 worth: this is my estimate, more on that in a second) of cocaine, and a handgun ($500).
- She’s set up to buy from 2 Black (I’m not being racist here, I’m just saying she’s obviously going to be intimidated by them) drug dealers she’s never met before.
- Her body is found shot execution-style the next day after the police (her backup) “lose her” when they fail at tailing her to the drug deal location.
There are so many things wrong here, I don’t even know where to start. The police claim that they lose her after the drug dealers change the location of the deal from the park to a parking lot to another 3rd location. Well, that sounds kind of reasonable, but WHY DON’T YOU CALL OFF THE FUCKING DRUG DEAL? I think when she called the cops on her cell phone as they were moving to a 3rd location might have been a good time to do that.
And everything about this girl screamed “I’m working with the cops” to these drug dealers. She drove what looks like a brand new Volvo S40, she’s buying half a kilo of cocaine (500 grams just happens to be lower threshold for Federal Trafficking penalties, which give you a minimum of 5 years in prison), she’s undoubtedly very nervous, she’s wearing a wire, and she’s buying a gun for no discernible reason. Incredible! So they suspect she’s an informant, find the wire, and decide to kill her for currently unknown reasons. I don’t even know what to say.
In another fucked up twist, her drug court probation specifically stated that she was not to come in contact with any drugs or drug paraphernalia. Also the drug court was never notified that she was going to be used as a confidential informant. They also painted her out to be a “known drug dealer” facing “multiple felonies” in the immediate aftermath of her death. They are now retracting this because she wasn’t facing any felonies and was lied to about the consequences she was actually facing. I guess that’s a small detail in the grand scheme of things here.