MGD 64 – One Step Closer

After Inbev’s brutal buyout of the most American Institution of them all, Budweiser, I decided I would never drink a Budweiser product again. Then those Euro-assholes have the audacity to shove a decidedly confusing product, ‘American Lager’, down our throats during football season. What the hell? It brings us one step closer to Sundays drinking 2 Heineken and watching EPL soccer instead of drinking a pony keg of Busch Light and browning out between the 4pm and 8pm NFL games.

This boycott, combined with the merger of Miller and Coors, left me with only one economical beer company to pick from. When I was out drinking beer made by said beer company, I was notified by some guy who probably was one of those kids to brought a 6 pack of expensive beer to underage keggers (I fucking hated those kids! seriously, who did they think they were? chug your beast lite like a good 17 year old, asshole) that I was “drinking nothing but beer flavored water and alcohol.”

I said, “you know what, asshole? I wish I was drinking beer flavored water and alcohol”. Because really, I don’t drink beer for the taste. I drink it because the pace of drinking it over the course of the night is perfectly matched to the level of drunkenness I want to get to. I would love to get the alcohol without getting the calories, in fact. This brings me to Miller 64, the 64 calorie beer from MillerCoors. Oh yes, perfect, this is exactly what I need! Wait, it’s only 2.8% alcohol? You mean the alcohol itself has calories? This brings us to a crossroads. The calories in alcohol are the real energy crisis!

Shouldn’t somebody we working on calorie-free alcohol? Dammit, this is America, and we like our women skinny and drunk. Oh wait, I guess we already have calorie-free alcohol. I think it’s called ‘drugs’. Splenda Kool-Aid + Roofies = 0 Calorie Fun. But there’s no way I’m taking those again, I need something with the same exact effect of alcohol in Alka-Seltzer form so I can drop it in water instead of carrying beer everywhere I want to drink it. It would be called “Beer Zero” to build on the “Coke Zero” paradigm. This idea would still be successful if it didn’t have 0 calories.

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3 Comments

Filed under Science

3 responses to “MGD 64 – One Step Closer

  1. Kyle

    You’re making a mistake. There is no need to choose between football and soccer on the weekends because of the difference in time zones between America and England.

    Your EPL games are going to start around 7 and 9 AM CST on the weekends. That gives me plenty of time to knock back a few pints and slam a full breakfast and then stumble off for beer, nachos and the first opening kickoff of the day.

    You can’t drink all day if you don’t start first thing in the morning.

  2. Kyle, that’s a great point. We don’t have to choose. Your wisdom is uncanny. +1 Commenter Point

  3. Brings Fancy 6 Packs to Keggers

    Prohibition created the people that bring 6 packs of “fancy beer” to keggers by way of creating a generic American beer. It put 3,000 some American breweries out of the beer business and most of the breweries didn’t survive. The “fancy beer” people are reviving an American tradition; it’s called microbrew, or local beer.

    Furthermore, the people at Anheuser-Busch were selling beer to foreigners all along. Don’t think that any “American” beer is for a minute outside the influence of the global marketplace or you’re deluding yourself about the ambition of American business. 300 million << 6,000 million. Anybody who makes several million $ a year and doesn’t play the game is probably sociopathic enough not to care about what “real Americans” are drinking while they watch the game, much less what country it’s from.

    And trust me, I’m pissed off Sam Adams (a beer from Boston, owned and founded by Americans) is listed as “import” while Budweiser is listed as “domestic”. I’ve yet to convince a bartender to give me a beer from the city I’m in for the same price as an inbev product.

    Thank God homebrewing is legal. I’m going to pull myself another pint from the 20 gallons in the fridge.

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