Category Archives: Life

5 Most Influential Albums of My Lifetime

A lot of music lists try to list the “best” or “favorite” albums in a particular genre or era. Why? Nobody gives a fuck about your disguised opinion in the form of some kind of fabricated expert consensus. Now this shit here is different. It’s not my opinion, it’s a factual list of the most influential albums in my life. In other words, this was the shit playing in the background when I made the best and worst decisions of my life.

I’ll try to say something interesting or racially demeaning for each album so it’s entertaining reading.

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Californication

This album, while not as critically/personally acclaimed as their other shit, was so unbelievably huge it was almost rediculous. For me, it combined rock and rap. What that really means is you could listen to it when on the drugs associated with rock or the drugs associated with rap. Let me just state the obvious here in a rhetorical question: How can you understand music that was made by people on drugs if you don’t know what it’s like to be on those drugs? You know that Hendrix album Are You Experienced? What do you think that means?

  • Most Memorable Track: Californication

2. Dr Dre – 2001

A lot of rappers talk about “changing the game” and “reinventing rap”. As far as I know, Dr Dre was the only one to ever do this, and he did it twice. Also, I’m listening to songs from this right now and I’m getting vivid flashbacks of events that happened in the past. I saw this thing once where if you study listening to a song, you’ll remember that information if you play that same song when you need to remember it. It’s true. I think it’s the main and possibly only reason why people like music from their formative years. It brings back those memorable “firsts”. Good times, good times.

  • Most Memorable Track: Xxplosive

3. Jay-Z – Black Album

While Dr Dre reinvented rap, this album defined it. The only things bigger than this album were:

  1. The hype surrounding it’s release
  2. The post-hype praise from people who listened to the Grey Album first

Like, everybody says how his first album was the biggest “hustler” album he did but that’s bullshit. He took a page from Michael Jordan and “retired” to build the hype and legend surrounding himself, then he “came back, wearing the 4-5” just like he said he would. That’s hustling last I checked. Anyway, I saw more bad things being done/chopped on this album than on any other album. This was likely due to this album’s all-black case, top-surface, and bottom-surface. It probably set a forever-unofficial record in that respect.

  • Most Memorable Track: Public Service Announcement

4. Third Eye Blind – Self-Titled/Blue

First of all, both albums are pretty much the same. It might as well be a double CD. Second of all, they’ve been touring for 12 years (continuously I think) performing the same songs from these 2 albums. And they still sell out. And Stephen Jenkins still bangs college girls. I’m not sure what all of that means, but it is a rarely unique pop sound they have. If you don’t know what to play when you bring a girl back to your place, you should probably play this.

  • Most Memorable Track: Losing a Whole Year

5. UGK – Underground Kingz I thought I knew everything about music until I heard this album. All I have to say is Pimp-C’s death was so far under the radar it was kind of outrageous. Where would Jay-Z be without Big Pimpin or 99 Problems?

  • Most Memorable Track: Two Types of Bitches

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Captain Planet Theory

 

you'll pay for this captain planet!!!

you'll pay for this captain planet!!!

 

 

Growing up, kids are taught that everybody is good at something at the expense of being good at something else. This was best exemplified by the 5 Planeteers (who were later shamelessly copied by the Power Rangers). As a more specific example, Wheeler was a bumbling fool (note his untied shoelace in the picture) who knew next to nothing about saving the planet, but somehow his good heart and fighting spirit redeemed him as a powerful ranger. While this is certainly ridiculous and borderline outrageous, it’s perfectly acceptable for a children’s TV show to tell every kid they can be the best at something.

What bothers me is how people grow up and still believe this. You hear it all the time:

  1. He might be rich, but he doesn’t enjoy life as much as I do.
  2. He might be good-looking, but he’s not as funny as  I am.
  3. He might be a great cook, it’s but only because his parents taught him how to cook, I never had that opportunity
  4. He might have gone to a great school, but I’m smarter than he is
  5. Tom Brady might have millions of dollars, a supermodel wife, and fingers filled with Superbowl rings, but I bet he’d trade it all for the freedom I have in public.

The list literally goes on forever and gets more and more outrageous. Basically, the formula is:

 

  • _____ has X but Y

 

When X has no correlation at all to Y. Take #2 as an example. Why does being funny have anything to do with being good-looking? “Oh well, if you’re ugly you have to be funny to get by”. No, fuck that, that isn’t true. If Jerry Seinfeld was a fat, balding Jew he would not have been funnier as a result. In fact, the opposite is probably true. Creating observational comedy about real-life situations (generally perceived as the funniest comedy) requires actual experiences. These are experiences that ugly people don’t have. 

Ugly people don’t have experiences, they make them up. They sit in a room by themselves and create all kinds of “possible scenarios” that they think are funny because, to them, it’s just as possible that these scenarios and real-life scenarios will happen. Here’s a comic from a strangely popular website (XKCD) that illustrates my point here:

 

Im not laughing because I dont get it, Im not laughing because it isnt funny

I'm not laughing because I don't get it, I'm not laughing because it isn't funny

Oh wow, it’s observational comedy on a ridiculous contrived situation that requires Wikipedia-first-paragraph knowledge of Fibonacci Numbers to understand. ISN’T THAT FUNNY? FUCK NO!

 

95% of the people who laugh at this will never come close to getting married

95% of the people who laugh at this will never come close to getting married. The other 5%: Battle Trolls

Conclusion: there are more “Captain Planets” out there than Planeteers. Most of the time, the people who are better than you at something are better than you at mostly everything. The guy who is better than you at X is probably smarter than you, funnier than you, enjoys life more than you, and (with some practice) could kick your ass at whatever it is you’re best at. 

Also, that person is not ugly or fat. Did Gaia give those rings to any ugly fat kids? Fuck no.

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Hypothetically

 

oh shit

oh shit

 

 

Any mathematically inclined person or fifth grader either likes hypotheticals or loves hypotheticals. It examines the extreme cases of something: the limits and the boundary conditions that distinctly describe a broad situation when expressed appropriately. I’ve found that the people who don’t like them tend not to understand that the beauty in the hypothetical is in the question. The answer is, in most cases, purely academic and contributes no real value. Let’s do a few:

 

  • If you were the smartest man in the world, capable of deriving and understanding even the most difficult problems with ease, how would you spend your life? Essentially, your achievements are limited only by desire.

 

I’d venture to say most people would make a lot of money early in life, then spend the rest of life spending it (or giving it away). Fools. I would spend my youth improving my interpersonal skills while being labeled an underachiever before pursing a career in academia in my mid 30s. Chasing money is for people who don’t have any. Think about that for a second. And “making money to give it away” is only a good intention waiting to go wrong. There’s omething very ACORN about it. For the record, I love ACORN and I don’t want to wake up quartered in a dumpster. Those statements are unrelated. 

Other common hypothetical questions center around impossible scenarios involving an unlimited supply of money, super powers, time travel, or (my personal favorite) Ancient World domination. Of course ,AWD involves some kind of time travel. Also, it’s clear that toppling the Romans by creating unprecedented havoc as a Gladiator in a futuristic war suit before vowing return in a spaceship to return power to almighty Jupiter is the only way to go there. 

  • With great talent, great hair, Kanye West, and great timing, you become a music sensation/sex-symbol and women are thowing themselves and each-other at you in efforts to get some high-dollar spunk. After 3 years this starts to get old, what do you do?

There’s 4 and only 4 ways to go here and I have an example for each:

  1. Of course, it’s not just women who are after you. Gay men are also targeting your ever move. You choose to avoid both and choose to molest little kids instead. Michael Jackson is the obvious example, but I bet this happens relatively often.
  2. With men and women on your ass, you decide to take in a little of both columns. Anthony Kiedis took that route.
  3. After banging an untold number of hot girls, you tire of it and show it publically by making outrageous fashion and political statements. Also, you decide you don’t care what anybody thinks because you don’t want anything from anyone anymore and put out music that embarrasses even your biggest fans. This is Andre 3000 territory.
  4. After banging an untold number of hot girls, you mysteriously don’t tire of it and show it publically by performing the same 15 songs on tour for 13 years and counting and continue to bang replicas of the college girls you banged in the late 90s.  You wanted time to stand still and, amazingly, you’ve made it do just that. This is the Stephen Jenkins zone.

Honestly, I’d follow Andre 3000 here.

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Agnostic: Synonym for Pussy

well golly gee, i just can't decide

well golly gee, i just can't decide

“You know what, I know billions of people in the world believe in a god and millions of others have decided, after long periods of introspection, that they’re atheists, but I think I’m just going to sit on the fence on this one. Does God exist? Well Marty, I don’t think I could say if he does or doesn’t exist. Guess I’ll just wait and see.”

Millions of Spineless Agnostics intensifying the pussification of America

So let me get this straight. In by far the most polarizing argument known to mankind, there is a growing contingent of people who can’t decide? I guess they figure all those philosophers throughout history were just wasting their time.

To paraphrase David Hume: ‘All rational statements that assert a factual claim about the universe that begin “I believe that ….” are simply shorthand for, “Based on my knowledge, understanding, and interpretation of the prevailing evidence, I tentatively believe that….”‘

What kind of spineless, bullshit, ball-shrinking nonsense is that? What the fuck is the point? I mean, isn’t it obvious that nobody can ever be 100% sure about any factual claim about the universe? Fucking of course it is. Does that mean you can’t make ridiculous assertive claims about the universe that you are not 100% sure about? No, of course you fucking can.

Nobody in the history of the universe was ever 100% sure about anything. All great men in history pretended to know more than they did, got a little bit of luck, then took credit for the luck. It’s really that simple. Does anybody really think Barack Obama “knows we’re going to pull together and get through this tough time”? Only fools. Obviously, he doesn’t “know” anything. He makes a judgement call based on incomplete information, relies on some luck, then takes credit for the luck. It’s the oldest trick in the book.

These “agnostics” are popping up nowadays because we don’t have enough wars to kill them off. You know what happened to agnostics in any of the real wars in history? Them, their wives, and their children were slaughtered by whichever side won the war because the agnostics didn’t join the winning side. Not picking a side is the same as picking the losing side in all life or death scenarios. No exceptions.

Simply put, human beings are naturally polarized because it was the most polarized individuals in ethnic/religious groups who killed off the less polarized (pussier and less organized) agnostics.

The moral of the story is to pick the winning side after you study all the information. Because being agnostic (picking no side) is the equivalent to picking the losing side.

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Satisfaction

best memorial in dc

best memorial in dc

“The meaning of life is achieving satisfaction.” – DC Hero

I define satisfaction as fulfilling a want or a need. The lowest times in life (depression, boredom, etc.) are times of no satisfaction. In either case, you either have nothing you want/need or you can’t get what you want/need. It’s very simple. Whenever ever I spend time or money on something and I need to evaluate if it was worth my effort, the one way I can measure it is by measuring the raw satisfaction gained from the aforementioned activity, which is exactly related to how much I wanted/needed what I got. I’ll do the math for you. Banging Hot Thai Girl = McGriddle On Hangover.

“Freedom From Want” – FDR

Of course, being free from wants is what many people, and many smart people, try to do. And I’ve done that over the past year. I’m free from wanting my three core wants: gambling, money, and Asian girls. But, hm. A life without wants is a life without satisfaction since ‘needs’ are mostly wants combined with lies. So I mean, there’s still the pleasures and happiness of life, but what’s life without satisfaction?  It’s the slow death of retirement, and damn that shit to Hell on a houseboat.

This is why I’ll be spending the remainder of the Year coming up with a new want for 2009. Because freedom from wants wasn’t satisfying. This gives me a new purpose in life, and I suddenly realize that I had a want the entire time: I wanted to find another want. I’m sure finding it will prove to be very satisfying.

So what is this about? Oh yeah, I think people associate happiness with “the meaning of life” when that association is nothing more than a scam cooked up by Disney to sell more Lion King DVDs. Hakuna Matata my ass. When you think about the meaning of happiness and the meaning of satisfaction, it’s clear what the difference is and why you want a lot more of the latter.

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No Asians 2008 – Update

I caught up with Will today to talk about his No Asians 2008 progress. I’ll paraphrase what he had to say.

“It’s tougher than I ever thought it would be. I see opportunities everywhere, everyone calls me ‘retarded’ when I tell them about the pledge, and in my weaker moments I almost agree with them. But I’ve come this far, and I have to press on. It’s getting hard. I can deal with Asian girls approaching me or grabbing me on dance floors, but not much more than that. And what the hell? The Playboy Playmate of the Month for November 2008 is Korean?!?! The centerfold is reserved for White girls and, on occasion, White-looking Black girls. It’s too dangerous to the populous to put an Asian girl in that spot.

“I was sitting in the den, minding my business, when I saw her out of the corner of my eye. I knew it was trouble. I didn’t have to check her out to know she was beautiful because I could gauge it from the voice inflections of the guy who first started talking to her. I could see the 6-second glances she took at me to try to pry my attention, but I held onto a solemn ignorance about it even if it was prolonging the inevitable. Do you ever see a girl, just see her, and start hearing music in the background? You’re done when that happens. I couldn’t, and didn’t, look.

“My plan backfired when I saw her getting dressed in my room (it was a mixed dorm) two hours later as I was waking up from a nap. I initially avoided direct conversation, choosing a more indirect means. Eventually I led on that she had earned my full attention, which turned the sexual tension between us from medium to piping hot. At this point we talked directly for 2 minutes about things that were less important for their content than they were for their comfort.

“When she left for Paris I felt more foolish than I had in several years, maybe more than that. My hands were literally trembling. Everything I knew about women told me to hold on to my stoicism at all costs, but everything I knew about life told me it was foolish not to indulge because it might not happen again. I thought I’d lost my mind until I saw a tear fall out of her eye as she looked at me over her right shoulder. I immediately looked at the floor when she left my sight to stay in that moment for as long as possible.

“A Finnish guy came into the room as she was leaving, which would have been mildly awkward if he didn’t back-glance to check her out as she walked away. This led to the following exchange between us in heavily broken English:

“So… this girl, you sleep with her together?”

I chuckle and keep looking at the floor.

“I tell you… I know I, uh, wouldn’t mind”

He paused for a second to assess. Then he flurried around in his backpack until he found a leather-coated flask. He handed it to me saying “trust me, this you need” and I took several swigs of what tasted like Vodka mixed with Ouzo. We spent a solid 5 minutes talking about asses before heading to a bar down the street. I forgot about her as the minutes dripped by, which filled me with bursts of shame that came and went. Then she faded into the past like the other girls I used to think about. They call that being “over it” I think.

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Happiness

To me, happiness, pleasure, and satisfaction are all eerily synonymous. If I spend my life searching for all three, the road will never fork itself. And this particular road isn’t a compartmentalized analogy, it illustrates that idea that a very real journey is involved. I call it, ‘The Journey’. It doesn’t need any more adjectives to confuse that fact that it’s the only real journey worth undertaking. Any remotely questionable move I make in life can be answered with this idea internalized.

  • ‘Why are you moving to Australia?’
  • ‘Why would you do that in public?’
  • ‘Why are you banging that awful tramp again?’

“I’m on The Journey, man.”

Amen.

To me, the difference between a travel and a journey is that a journey has no real destination. If it did, the journey would lose all of it’s meaning and would devalue into being nothing more than a means (however exotic) to an end. A real journey has no end. Let’s get to the story already.

… I didn’t want to miss out on the fun, so I stampeded an American couple after they got shoved into my path by some of my fellow countrymen who ran on-board like it was the last bus out of hell. After the dust settled, the seats weren’t even close to being filled, which didn’t reveal a strand of irony to anyone who had just fought their way through the queue. I sat in the back near the rear door (the best bus seat there is), which was luckily in earshot of the American couple I just had a brush with. The man said something like “first the bus was late, then we get beat up trying to get on” before finishing his frustrated thought with the word off the tongue of the traveler I hate most: an exasperated “… (sigh) incredible!” which is usually delivered with a side to side head shake and a palm strike on the thigh.

I wanted to go up to the guy and tell him that life (especially on vacation) isn’t about having your transportation expectations met pound and ounce. Life is a journey, and if you don’t pay attention to how you get there, you’ll miss out on all of it. It’s a lot like love. Love isn’t a destination. You don’t get to “being in love” and stay there, basking in love day in and day out from here to eternity. Being in love is a journey of falling in (and out of) love. In other words, the love disappears when the ebb and flow of love stops because human beings weren’t built to stay put and relax, they were built to explore their surroundings. Otherwise, they might as well stand naked into the wind and melt into the sun because there’s nothing left for them to do in this life.

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