Category Archives: Current Events

Real-World DC

make room, bitches

make room, bitches

I thought there was nothing left to blog about, but I was most definitely wrong. I found out last week that the Real World was coming to DC into a house on 20th & S. I was moderately excited until I found out where they are hanging out and found that these places overlapped with where I like to hang out: http://dcfab.thefabempire.com/2009/06/22/where-to-catch-an-mtv-real-worlder/

I found the following blogs on the subject:

http://prorealworlddc.blogspot.com/

http://antirealworlddc.blogspot.com/

I am currently looking for names and photographs of each cast member. When I acquire said information, I will post it here (post will be updated as information comes in) and use it to unambiguously propel myself onto the show through a cast member. If you think I’m above pretending to be gay to get on this show, you’ve never read this blog before.

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Finally, A Dating Website for Men

 

"women in their early 30s desparate for one last shot at glory..."

"women in their early 30s desparate for one last shot at glory..."

 

 

You might have heard that AshelyMadison got denied from running a Super Bowl ad, which is almost but not quite as good as getting the ad itself. It sure is cheaper. But whatever, the real issue here is how the service is a goldmine for guys who want easy sex without fucking prostitutes. Married chicks looking for affairs are the easiest of easy. The green circle, wander-eye, bar-parading late-20s girls who want to see if they can dump their current husband, pocket some alimony, and upgrade to another guy crowd. They don’t give a fuck.

So it might be better than trying the other online dating services. At least it would stand to reason. I’d try it if I was still willing to try anything, but being the lazy talking head that I am, I’d be much happier to hear from someone who tried some diamond-cougar hunting (that means married for all the 13 year old readers out there) on AshleyMadison. It seems easy, and I bet the quality on there is higher than the other dating websites.

But really what irks me is how other talking heads are out there trying to eek out some level of outrage about a dating service that caters to affairs. I mean, is anyone really outraged outside of the obvious crowd of single aging girls (SAGs) out there? I know, I just couldn’t resist the acronym. I think by now, most people have a good grip on what a relationship actually is. Or actually, it’s more likely that they don’t. Extremely likely, in fact. 

Men resist them for the committment and women resist them in order to wait for someone better, we all know that. But why? With everything that relationships are now, these fears are antiquated and childish to a Disneyesque level. I can’t speak for girls, but I can speak for men which is why I’ll be running a special feature, starting next post, of indeterminate parts on “Modern Relationships From a Man’s Perspective.” It’s long overdue.

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Bourdain, I Love You

The Bourdain

chef, adventurer, god: The Bourdain

This is an open letter to my hero of the moment, Tony Bourdain.

Tony,

You know what man, I agree with you. If a country has bad food, there’s no fucking reason to go there. It shows enough probable cause of ‘no culture’ to warrant going somewhere else. I’d say the two main exceptions to this are the U.S. and the U.K. (you’d disagree, but I don’t know, British restaurants have too many ‘colonial’ dishes on their menu to be considered authentic British) who supplant their awful food (then again, what is American food anyway?) with music. Because, in all honesty, music is our food. And they eat it up on every street corner and in every dorm room in the world.

But really, you’re surprising love of Vietnam and not-so-subtle hints of falling for Dragon Ladies in ao dais… wait a minute, we need a moment of silence for that picture. I mean, of all the places, you fell for Saigon. That intrigues me, Tony. I would have expected Buenos Aries, Singapore, Hong Kong, or some other “nice” place with a subtle underbelly. But Saigon? That says everything I need to know.

And how much does it suck to start becoming too popular? If I ever started becoming famous, I’d probably run away from it Chapelle-style right before I made it past the point of no return. And I think you’re shockingly close to getting there. All of a sudden, every one of your books is checked out of the library and I have to settle for reading A Cook’s Tour in Large Type because I refuse to buy it and give the Food Network any money. And please, can you stop kissing celebrity chef ass all of a sudden? “They’re using their star power to get people to eat things they should have been eating all along”? No they’re not. People are just cooking now because they’re all of a sudden terrified of “processed foods”.

But, in all honesty, I love when they show the clip of you slamming Samantha Brown in your promo commercials. You have that network by the balls.

Finally, and most importantly, it’s time for you to do what you know you have to do. It’s time to take your squeamishness of killing animals head-on. It’s time for you to slaughter an animal with your bare hands before cooking it… or become a vegetarian. It’s the only right thing to do. And shooting a rabbit with a shotgun doesn’t count. I’m talking about throat to hand, knife to throat slaughter complete with primal screams. You can’t say “I hate harming animals” and go on to eat them at will. It’s been long enough. Come out and make the statement “you shouldn’t eat meat if you can’t slaughter an animal” and slit somethings throat. I’ve been just as vocal against vegetarians as you have been, and if you do this, I will follow suit and do the same. It’s time for meat-eaters around the world to stand up and slaughter animals by hand to preserve their meat-eating rights.

But yeah man, you’re my hero. Can’t wait for the Cleveland show. Oh yeah, and I totally agree, Greece sucks ass. You didn’t hide your displeasure very well. And you totally did DC the right way with Eden center and the other Arlington ethnic places. The NoVa ethnic is far superior in almost every foreign variety. I have no idea why it’s available on in-Demand right now, it’s supposed to air in 2 weeks according to Wikipedia.

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The Perfect Storm

If we make it to the eye, then we just have to get through what we already went through...

If we make it to the eye, then we just have to get through what we already went through...

Whenever I think I’m too doom and gloom on the economy, I see a story like this one that reminds me we’re in for a long haul here. When the Yuppies have stopped buying, it’s time to be scared. In fact, could this be the end of Yuppies as we know them.

As a cultural historian, I’ve studied the gradual decline of Yuppies since their most recent peak before the burst of the dot-com bubble. They’ve seen this crisis coming for quite some time, since they were the first to realize that their free-spending credit-paved roads to happiness would, sooner or later, come to an abrupt cliff. They invented “Hipsterism” which cleverly embraces overpriced cheap-looking clothes in preparation for the times where they’ll have to rely on cheap cheap-looking clothes to survive. And it’s pretty much the same thing with beer (PBR) and cigarettes (American Spirits). They should rename ‘Urban Outfitters’: ‘Transition to Forced Poverty’. Of course that would be too direct for this crowd, but I digress.

In any case the deflation of the dollar, the rapid decline in market capitalization tied to deflation, and the sudden decline in home equity that caused the deflation in the first place has led to a scenario where the US Government has to print money and spend it to produce a counterbalancing inflationary force. Virtually all agree that this spending should be long-term-investment based.

The preceding paragraph is, more or less, a wet dream for Progressives. In fact, it’s a Perfect Storm for our esteemed President-Elect. He’ll have (almost) unprecedented opportunities to spend large sums of money on programs and institutions that have a chance to fix things. What could be better? It’s like being a venture capitalist with unlimited funds, which I think would be the best job in the World if it ever existed. Fantastic.

So when unemployment rises from the current 6.5% to 12-15% (with a significant gender bias of a much higher percentage of unemployed males, much more to come on this), the crime rates go through the roof (it’s clear to me now that a good economy was the biggest factor in post-abortion crime rate reduction), and we start realizing what really happened here, the Government will have to spend cash left and right to dig us out of this thing. It’s the Perfect Storm for Mr. Obama.

When my friend’s 9 year old kid asked me about the financial crisis, I told him very simply (and do correct me if I’m wrong): everyone thought there was a lot of cash everywhere, and then they realized a lot of that cash didn’t exist. This cash was created when housing prices went up, and then it disappeared when they went down. When people realized this, the value of cash went up and the government had to create new money out of thin air to avoid the value going up too fast. Then he asked me if the government can just keep printing money until it’s all better. I told him that’s the basic plan.

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The DC Hero Bailout for the Auto Industry

opec112507

What the hell is all this nonsense about using part of the $700B bailout to send to the auto industry? The US Government shouldn’t be bailing out GM, Chrysler, or Ford. The bailout should come from the people who need these companies to succeed more than anybody else.

In other words, shouldn’t every OPEC country be chomping at the bit to bail these companies out? If I was K.A. up there, I’d already have more cash than I could spend. I’m looking for an investment, especially at the moment. Why not swoop in and not just bail them out, but buy every one of those companies outright. Then have them churn out SUVs at a frantic pace, and give out gasoline rebate deals with them for 5 years of gas at $1.99 a gallon?

The only downside I can think of was if relations become strained between the US and the Saudis, and the US seizes the companies as assets. But oh well, just shut the pipes and bleed every SUV owner dry at $6 a gallon until you recover your (minimal) equity you lost in the auto compaines. I guess it’s just easier to sit in the palace and watch the money come in.

I’m assuming this is a bad idea for reasons I’m not considering. If it happens to be a great idea, I’ll take this post down. I don’t want them getting any ideas.

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Beard for Barack

 

put some shades on and grow the sideburns until they connect

put the shades on and grow the sideburns until they connect, man, trust me

 

 

Many of you know that Barack likes to fashion himself, to an extent, after Abraham Lincoln who was famous for his no-moustache beard. Many of you might not know that Lincoln didn’t grow a beard until after he was elected in 1860. He grew it in the 4 months between the election and inaguration (which was on March 4th back then). 

There are many theories concerning why Lincoln grew it, but nobody knows for sure. There was a little girl who told him he would look better with a beard, and wives would convince their husbands to vote for him (women couldn’t vote remember). But it was more likely that Lincoln felt like he was “going to war”, and beards and facial hair were a popular battleground choice of both the Union and Confederate soldiers. Beards are manly.

Personally, I think he grew it because he was sick of Mary Todd’s bitching and he wanted to use the scruff to scratch up the soft parts on her body. There’s gotta to be a word for that, let me know if you know what it is.

By my count, Barack has 10 weeks. This is plenty of time for him to shred those pretty-boy looks that got him elected and get tough with some man hair. And, in all seriousness, it would probably take him almost all of that time to grow it. 

Fuckin A, times are tough and it’s time to get tough. It’s time to bring the beard back to the White House (for the first time since Benjamin Harrison famously maneuvered himself in between two Grover Cleveland presidencies. Here’s the beard type chart. I think his best options (in order) are the Chin Curtain, the Proper Goatee (no moustache), and the Hollywoodian. He has to avoid the moustache at all costs.

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Proposition 8: Misplaced Hate

Bert & Ernie? Uh, no

Bert & Ernie? Uh, no

You’ve heard by now that Proposition 8, to renew the ban on Gay marriage in California, passed with 52.5% of the vote. Given the national unpopularity of Gay marriage I was pretty unsurprised, especially given the large Latino and Black populations in California, that it passed. It was likely to pass as soon as it was put on the ballot by an astonishing 1.2M people who signed a petition to put the Constitutional Amendment on the ballot.

Now, even though the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ coalitions raised $35.8M and $37.6M respectively, there’s some DC blogger calling for a ‘boycott of Utah‘ because the Mormon church supplied tens of millions of dollars to the ‘Yes’ coalition.

“The main focus is going to be going after the Utah brand. At this point, honestly, we’re going to destroy the Utah brand. It is a hate state.”

So the solution is to stereotype the entire state of Utah for stereotyping homosexual marriage. The irony is so thick.

I think the real problem is that people aren’t going to vote for gay marriage, not that they were brainwashed into voting against it. Even our uber-Liberal President-Elect is against it. Also, the fact that Black voters (who voted 70% for Prop 8) came out in record numbers to vote for said President played a big part in this. So they were brainwashed by the Mormons? I’m confused.

Personally, I wouldn’t have voted for or against Prop 8 because I think the whole gay marriage thing is a waste of time, just like the flag burning amendment. Just have some kind of union for gays that has all the rights of a marriage, and make up a name for it. People would vote for that, but I guess the angry gay groups wouldn’t settle for that. Instead, we have to watch gay marriage propositions get shot down every time they get voted on. What a waste of time and money.

Another thing I don’t get: “They just took marriage away from 20,000 couples and made their children bastards.”

Wait, wait, wait, somebody needs to explain to me how gay people make babies. Do they get a 3rd person to donate the egg-uterus/sperm and then keep that person around as an Aunt/Uncle? That sounds like a disaster. And what’s with the punitive slam on bastards? Aren’t we past looking down on children from unwed parents? I never mentioned the guys name, but he’s the editor at AmericaBlog.

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