Paranoia

In life, I naturally assume that everyone and their brother is out to get me because they are. Everyone wants to swindle me, bang my chick, steal my possessions, use my lines, bite my style, or get me to buy them something. Fucking assholes are the exact reason I don’t need some smart ass DC Hero Jr sitting at my dinner table whining that he has to eat regular cheese pizza instead of extra cheese pizza. Side note: what the fuck is extra cheese pizza all about anyway? I saw some bullshit ad for a 6 cheese pizza. Cheese pizza is only for little kids and poor people who can’t afford toppings. Gourmet cheese pizza, give me a fucking break.

Anyway, I’ve drawn a handy diagram of all the people out to get me. You can see the two Black guys who are about to jump me and steal my wallet. You can also see the one sneaky Asian guy who’s setting me up for a good old Asian pyramid scheme, but you can’t see the 200 Asians working behind the scenes on the pyramid scheme. You can also see two short Mexican twins who are out to get me. I’m not sure exactly what they’re up to, but I’m sure it involves drugs.

What you can’t see is the hundreds of White people I drew who are out to get me because they blend in with the background color of this website. You might think that’s a larger sociological metaphor for White criminals going relatively unnoticed because they blend in with the background of society. But you’d be wrong. I just like white backgrounds.

Anyway, I think it’s a pretty good idea to be abnormally paranoid in life. It’s the only way to see the clever assholes who really are out to get you. Otherwise, you’ll be a victim of your own optimism. Think you can go through life living carefree and happy? Think again. You might as well just pull your jeans down and hold up a bottle of K-Y because you’re just asking to get fucked. The way to do it is to be skeptical of everyone you meet because you know, deep down, they’re just aiming to screw you over when they get a chance. And then when you get to the finish line in life, and we all know there’s a finish line, you’ll know that you won.

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7 Comments

Filed under Life, Uncategorized

7 responses to “Paranoia

  1. “I just like white backgrounds…”

    I just spit up my skim milk as I was reading that paragraph…

    You’re right. As the second greatest rapper of all time said(yeah I said SECOND), “It’s just me against the world.”

  2. Me

    Schizophrenia is the clinical term. I’ll expect to see you in my office come Monday.

  3. Frankie

    “You must be sly as a snake and simple as a dove.”

    Many church people may be stupid. But good writers never are.

  4. johnny five

    if you are paranoid* before you are unfortunate enough to have a valid reason for it, you are a blessed soul.

    *a healthy dose of paranoia, though; not enough to reduce you to an asocial hermit.

  5. ry420guy

    reminds me of a good kurt cobain lyric: “just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean their not after you”

  6. Frankie, that reference has made me pretty paranoid for reasons i won’t share with the class. good job. +1.

    correction ry420 guy, that is a great kurt cobain lyric.

  7. ro42g

    lol hilarious! Yeah people are always out to get you or get you to do what they want. You have to practice strategy if you want to survive.

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