With all the news focused on politics (a White couple worth over $100M calling a Black man “out of touch” with less fortunate Americans is beyond ironic), you may have missed the Global outrage over rising food prices. I mean, there are riots breaking out all around the world, pushing many poorer countries into dangerously unstable situations that threaten Global security. Maybe that should be a bigger story here in the U.S., call me crazy.
Anyway, like most people who read the news, you might be wondering: “How does this affect me?” Well, I’m glad you asked. This is such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make advances against the Fat People that I’m actually giddy with excitement. Here’s exactly what should happen:
- Impose a Stoplight Tax on all foods deemed to be ‘Terrifically Unhealthy’
What’s a Stoplight Tax? It works like this: every year you get a checkup with a personal care physician. From looking at you, he will be able to tell with 99% certainty if you fall into the Green, Yellow, or Red “health zones”. If you’re in the Green zone, you get an ID card or something, and when you show it you don’t have to pay the tax for Terrifically Unhealthy foods. If you’re in the Yellow zone (moderately unhealthy, definitely unattractive), you have to pay a 50% tax on those foods. And the Red zone (disgustingly obese, ~40% of US population): you have to pay a 500% tax on the aforementioned foods.
It goes without saying that in the event you don’t have your ID card with you or you never got one to begin with, the guy at the checkout counter will take your picture and assign you a zone. These pictures will be placed on the internet where everyone will vote for their favorite Red Zoners.
This revolutionary tax will reduce unhealthy food consumption to the point where we will have an excess of unhealthy foods. Then, we can ship them overseas to the rioting poor people, but only if they agree to let us put military bases there, give us access to their natural resources, and sign pro-US trade agreements. Those governments will have no choice. Wait, I think we’re doing this already.
Eventually, the Red Zoners will have to move into the Yellow Zone or move to Canada where they won’t impose Stoplight Taxes. They’ll just have high food prices for everyone and free heathcare for all Red Zoners. Combining that with the fat-friendly climate, Canada is a fantasy land for Red Zoners. Maybe they’ll even dress one of the bigger ones in a hockey goalie uniform and have them lay in front of the goal to completely block all incoming shots. Why has this not been done already?