Food Prices Rising, Fat People Terrified

With all the news focused on politics (a White couple worth over $100M calling a Black man “out of touch” with less fortunate Americans is beyond ironic), you may have missed the Global outrage over rising food prices. I mean, there are riots breaking out all around the world, pushing many poorer countries into dangerously unstable situations that threaten Global security. Maybe that should be a bigger story here in the U.S., call me crazy.

Anyway, like most people who read the news, you might be wondering: “How does this affect me?” Well, I’m glad you asked. This is such a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make advances against the Fat People that I’m actually giddy with excitement. Here’s exactly what should happen:

  • Impose a Stoplight Tax on all foods deemed to be ‘Terrifically Unhealthy’

What’s a Stoplight Tax? It works like this: every year you get a checkup with a personal care physician. From looking at you, he will be able to tell with 99% certainty if you fall into the Green, Yellow, or Red “health zones”. If you’re in the Green zone, you get an ID card or something, and when you show it you don’t have to pay the tax for Terrifically Unhealthy foods. If you’re in the Yellow zone (moderately unhealthy, definitely unattractive), you have to pay a 50% tax on those foods. And the Red zone (disgustingly obese, ~40% of US population): you have to pay a 500% tax on the aforementioned foods.

It goes without saying that in the event you don’t have your ID card with you or you never got one to begin with, the guy at the checkout counter will take your picture and assign you a zone. These pictures will be placed on the internet where everyone will vote for their favorite Red Zoners.

This revolutionary tax will reduce unhealthy food consumption to the point where we will have an excess of unhealthy foods. Then, we can ship them overseas to the rioting poor people, but only if they agree to let us put military bases there, give us access to their natural resources, and sign pro-US trade agreements. Those governments will have no choice. Wait, I think we’re doing this already.

Eventually, the Red Zoners will have to move into the Yellow Zone or move to Canada where they won’t impose Stoplight Taxes. They’ll just have high food prices for everyone and free heathcare for all Red Zoners. Combining that with the fat-friendly climate, Canada is a fantasy land for Red Zoners. Maybe they’ll even dress one of the bigger ones in a hockey goalie uniform and have them lay in front of the goal to completely block all incoming shots. Why has this not been done already?


Filed under Current Events

21 responses to “Food Prices Rising, Fat People Terrified

  1. I came across your blog on Technorati. Nice site layout. I will stop by and read more soon.

    Mike Harmon

  2. nordsieck

    I actually thought about the hockey goalie thing, although I was thinking sumo wrestler, not morbidly obese. While there is no regulation on size of goalie, apparently there is a regulation on the maximum size of goalie padding.

  3. johnny five


    the best part is that, unlike hot 17-year-old girls who want you to buy them some booze, the red-zoners would have absolutely nothing with which to inveigle or bribe the green- and yellow-zoners into buying them some contraband.

    pure genius

  4. rob

    I’m sure there’s a reality show called “red zoners” or something along those lines for Fox Network……America votes for them, or at least follows their stories at adapting to life without twinkies and stuff……I bet having the backing of a major media outlet will help your cause.

  5. Finally! You’re back to my favorite subject…Fat People Eradication! Nice work once again

  6. Let fatties be fat. Why meddle in other peoples shit? neo-darwinism will sort everything out for us.

  7. Hope

    Can you imagine the black market for junk food that would arise from this tax? The red zoners would be constantly bugging green zoners to buy them food.

    Hmm, actually that may not be a bad thing. Green zoners like me could charge a nice fee and secretly sell all the junk food they’re buying at super low prices. Green $$!

  8. ooo this looks like a get rich scheme for all he green zoners, count me in!

  9. panda

    Assuming you’re being tongue-in-cheek, this is hilarious.

  10. sue

    read this, you might change your mind about fat people.

  11. hotls

    Nice site and layout!

  12. Sue, fantastic link, I’m giving you a commenter point. To sum it up for those who are too lazy to click and read, the article concludes that the costs from obesity are overstated (due to obese people dying at a younger age) and that the self-images of fat people are more damaging than the obesity itself.

    While the article presents an opinion I hadn’t heard before, which I like, I disagree with the conclusion. Having a negative connotation associated with fat people is a fact of life. It was bred into humans when we lived in caves and the fat people ate more than their share of a limited food supply.

    However, thin people living longer which may be costlier in the end than being fat and dying young is a very real possibility. What the article fails to take into account is whether the thin people can make an extra $46,000 per lifetime to make up for this gap. With the extra sick days fat people take combined with their shorter careers, I think thin people can easily close the cost discrepancy. I took my figures from the article below:

  13. Oooo…Kate Harding is going to punch you!

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  15. Ian

    Sue, there was no mention of Insurance in that article. That is, how much would your insurance be (that is, how much LESS does your company pay you so that it can afford your health insurance) if your company did not have any fat people or smokers?

  16. ry420guy

    Even if we have an oversupply of junk food we can’t just ship it to other countries and have it magically fall in the hands of poor people, it’s more complicated than that. Also, all those hungry people in Africa will probably be pissed when we send them Hot Pockets and Stouffer’s French Bread Pizza and they don’t have a microwave.

  17. Rigoberto

    “a White couple worth over $100M calling a Black man “out of touch” with less fortunate Americans is beyond ironic”

    So just being a member of particular ethnicity automatically makes you “in touch” with members of your ethnicity who are less fortunate? That’s the biggest pile of unmitigated bullshit I’ve heard all day.

  18. Rigoberto, I would argue that given a black man and a white man of equal economic and social standing, the black man would be more in touch with the problems of poor black Americans. It’s only natural. There are social divisions based on race in this country, you might have noticed. Members of ethnicities, myself included, take a particular interest with issues involving members of their own race. Isn’t that behind the whole “white girl gets kidnapped, makes headline news. black girl gets kidnapped, doesn’t make headline news” issue?

  19. That still doesn’t even apply to Obama. His mother is Caucasian and he was raised almost exclusively by Caucasians. I’m not arguing to say that Clinton was correct to say that he is out of touch, but that I reject your premise of Obama being in touch exclusively because he happens to share melanin levels poor blacks. I just don’t buy it, I myself am Hispanic, doesn’t mean that I have a default understanding of the plight of poverty stricken Mexicans, I would actually conclude that other poor Caucasians could relate more to them than I could.

  20. I myself am Hispanic, doesn’t mean that I have a default understanding of the plight of poverty stricken Mexicans, I would actually conclude that other poor Caucasians could relate more to them than I could.

    My comparison would be between you and a white person of your same social and economic standing, not between you and a white person of lower standing.

  21. Then Obama still doesn’t apply. I’ll give you that Obama knows the what it’s like to be a black man who makes $400,000 a year. But I seriously doubt he has ever lived in abject poverty. I’m pretty tired of these poverty pimps coming out and swearing that THEY will eliminate poverty, and they will fight for minority’s, blah blah. As far as I am concerned, all these front runners suck.

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