The Theory of Moistitivity


A moistie is a word me and my friends used to throw around (we still use it all the time) when we were like 19-21 to describe 16-18 year old girls who would stop at nothing to get our attention. They always moved in a pack, and it was really fascinating to watch how much effort they put in to get us to like them. It was even more fascinating to watch how the older girls would step up the sluttiness to compete with the moisties. They figured they had more sex appeal than the moisties, and they were right, they did. That’s when I learned that experience mattered for a girl. You’d just be sitting there with a moistie like “man this girl is hot, I wish she knew what she was doing.”

4 of us out of the 5 who lived in that party house had girlfriends at the time, but all 5 of us had a moistie. Looking back on it now, it was more probably more surprising to us than it should have been but it was really the first time I can remember that younger girls appealed to me. I mean, I remember when I was a freshman in high school looking at the senior girls like ‘holy shit’. Man, those were the days. But it didn’t take me long to get this younger girl thing down. Here’s this naive girl, smoking hot, who hasn’t come to grips with how hot she is yet and she just throws herself at you. And what really made them great was how they spread joy and laughter everywhere they went. They were so light-hearted, always smiling and happy. Moisties made everything better, they were like sunshine in mini-skirts. (this reminds me of Hero Adage #5: ‘hot girls in mini-skirts are like chocolate dipped in chocolate’)

But it taught me so much about the female mentality. In fact, I can now reveal the timeless words of the Theory of Moistitivity:

Every hot girl was once a moistie

When I came to grips with that, everything I knew about girls changed. Girls wanted to feel happy and joyous. They didn’t want to be so serious all the time, and stop to think about things before doing them. They are moisties. Or, to be more specific, Moistie Alumni.

And you can’t make a moistie your main chick. I tried that once. I could handle the erratic behavior, the nickelback, and the teaching, but I couldn’t handle dealing with the boisties (boy moisties).

[Editor’s Note: For legal reasons, this post was heavily edited and moistie cadets were not even discussed. However, DC Hero was very upset about this and will likely revisit the topic of moisties in the both the near and distant future because it’s one of his favorite topics of all time]



Filed under Science

5 responses to “The Theory of Moistitivity

  1. There really is nothing better than “moistie-ass”. An ass hits it peak around the ages of 16-19. It sucks because we frequent bars where we can only meet 21+ girls, and most of the time I end up with a 26-27 year old.

    I’ve gotta make an effort to go to more college bars and parties. Give me the erratic behavior…Bring on the boisties… Its well worth the 3 1/2 minutes of sweet sweet moistie lovin.

  2. Me

    Today while reading this I began thinking about myself as a moistie alum. No woman really likes to think of herself as “old” (especially at 23) however, this slight vocab addition really covers your ass with “older chicks”. Don’t get me wrong, I friggin hate moisties. I would not be a woman if I didn’t.
    Yet the moistie alum thing put a little sunshine in my day. It helped me to reflect how much senior girls hated me when I was a freshman/how much 28 year olds hate me now/how 50 yr olds will hate me when I’m 30. The possibilities are endless…I guess what I’m saying is that the term moistie conquers all demographic boundaries. Everyone is a moistie to someone. Although do you think a 60 yr old is a moistie to an 80 yr old? I’m not 100% sold on that.
    So basically this morning you gave me an epiphany with my Rice Krispies. And if that’s not the point of DC hero I don’t know what is…

  3. Hey “Me”,

    Your blocking the moisties!!! Sit down.

    Your Friend,


  4. Ava V

    I would have to agree with Me. Sixty year olds are moisties to 80 year olds, cause their boobs aren’t quite at their ankles yet. Although with some getting plastic surgery how does this effect the world of the moisties?

  5. Pingback: The Art of Waxing « DC Hero To The Rescue

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