Man Rules

A few years ago, there was a Miller Lite ad campaign that suggested a diverse group of men could sit around a table and set forth edicts that should be adopted by all heterosexual men. I’m sure you all remember this, as it was the most noteworthy beer advertising campaign since the one where the guy competes in Winter Olympic events from his recliner. However, the making of these rules are fundamentally flawed. Men are certainly driven by rules, but rarely are they the rules of others. Men have their own rules.

Every man who is worth anything has a set of rules for himself that he will never break. These rules define his personal honor, and breaking one of these rules is the exact equivalent of a lie to himself. In the logical mind of Man, a lie to self creates a cloud of disgust that directly leads to a loss of self-respect. What I think is very interesting is how different men have different rules for themselves. Some men have a rule against crying and others have a rule against wagering against a sports team they follow. Some men have a rule against hitting women and other men have a rule against ever lying to their son. The rules of a particular man define that man, and once you figure these out, you understand that man nearly completely. If a man tells you he doesn’t have any of these rules, throw tough questions at him until you offend him and his rules will be revealed.

I have to stop and think about it before I can mentally solidify my rules. One of them seems pretty trivial, but I think it says a lot about myself. When I bring a girl back to my House of Lies for the first time and I dim the lights, I take special care to choose the first song to play in the background. I’ve thought about what this song should be since the moment I felt myself becoming interested in her. Ideally, I can come up with a song that dictates what I think about a girl and what kind of relationship I want from her. Nothing says “don’t even think about cuddling with me” quite like ‘Slim Thug – Diamonds‘. On the other side, nothing breaks sustained periods of sexual tension into a passionate relationship quite like ‘Foo Fighters – Tired of You‘. For a fling, ‘Eminem – Cum On Everybody‘ is tried and true.

To get back to the general Rules for a second, I’d say the most common rule across all men is the one where “you don’t say ‘I love you’ to a girl if you don’t mean it”. I’m not sure why that one is so popular, women say it all the time and don’t mean it. They even have the best way of saying they lied about it: “well, I meant it when I said it but I don’t love you anymore”. Women are great liars, I have so much to learn from them.


Filed under dating

5 responses to “Man Rules

  1. Rachel

    Are you telling me that some men actually have to make it a rule to not hit women? Wow. Maybe I really should become a lesbian.

    Wait…..was that the plan all along?

  2. I feel like there are acceptable times and ways to hit women. You can certainly “shake the shit out of them” – Chris Rock.

  3. Sergey

    House of Lies!?

  4. It is impossible to just go out and directly distribute your precious needy spermcells all over the place, like your deepest drive tells you to. In life we’re all simply forced to bear the postponing of rewards. With the male sexual drive, it’s highly amusing to observe them in their constant, silent watch for Entrances. All men find all kinds of obstructions between their dicks and the desired pussies. That’s why every man needs a highly personal and firmly internalized strategy, to at least get a small percentage of the fucks his obsessed drive would really like to have. He has no choice than to figure this out for himself, because nearly all other people are trying to prevent him from following his sexdrive: men after all are competition, and women must not see you through. And the reward is always too frustrating little for you. For every one of you.


    There are simply not enough women available. Especially not women who approach your beauty-ideals. I see you all act upon your private rules in your pathetic little kingdoms and laugh my socks off, ’cause all I really see are demonstrations of pure sexual despair. Same thing if your rules apply to business or politics. For everything a man does, he does in order to achieve his higest possible level of personal immortality (that is his ego) and all the elements of his life ultimately serve this sexual drive. For men sex is nothing but an ego boost, a personal immortality-achievement, which, by the way, has nothing to whatsoever with the person that he has sex with.

    Good fuck! None of you will get it from me, though. Please go and insult some bimbos. I myself am a better man than any alphastud. Like Tori Amos, I have a 12inch cock.

  5. That’s actually some fantastic insight, Frankie. I’m surprised. 😉 +1 CP.

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