Bourdain, I Love You

The Bourdain

chef, adventurer, god: The Bourdain

This is an open letter to my hero of the moment, Tony Bourdain.

Tony,

You know what man, I agree with you. If a country has bad food, there’s no fucking reason to go there. It shows enough probable cause of ‘no culture’ to warrant going somewhere else. I’d say the two main exceptions to this are the U.S. and the U.K. (you’d disagree, but I don’t know, British restaurants have too many ‘colonial’ dishes on their menu to be considered authentic British) who supplant their awful food (then again, what is American food anyway?) with music. Because, in all honesty, music is our food. And they eat it up on every street corner and in every dorm room in the world.

But really, you’re surprising love of Vietnam and not-so-subtle hints of falling for Dragon Ladies in ao dais… wait a minute, we need a moment of silence for that picture. I mean, of all the places, you fell for Saigon. That intrigues me, Tony. I would have expected Buenos Aries, Singapore, Hong Kong, or some other “nice” place with a subtle underbelly. But Saigon? That says everything I need to know.

And how much does it suck to start becoming too popular? If I ever started becoming famous, I’d probably run away from it Chapelle-style right before I made it past the point of no return. And I think you’re shockingly close to getting there. All of a sudden, every one of your books is checked out of the library and I have to settle for reading A Cook’s Tour in Large Type because I refuse to buy it and give the Food Network any money. And please, can you stop kissing celebrity chef ass all of a sudden? “They’re using their star power to get people to eat things they should have been eating all along”? No they’re not. People are just cooking now because they’re all of a sudden terrified of “processed foods”.

But, in all honesty, I love when they show the clip of you slamming Samantha Brown in your promo commercials. You have that network by the balls.

Finally, and most importantly, it’s time for you to do what you know you have to do. It’s time to take your squeamishness of killing animals head-on. It’s time for you to slaughter an animal with your bare hands before cooking it… or become a vegetarian. It’s the only right thing to do. And shooting a rabbit with a shotgun doesn’t count. I’m talking about throat to hand, knife to throat slaughter complete with primal screams. You can’t say “I hate harming animals” and go on to eat them at will. It’s been long enough. Come out and make the statement “you shouldn’t eat meat if you can’t slaughter an animal” and slit somethings throat. I’ve been just as vocal against vegetarians as you have been, and if you do this, I will follow suit and do the same. It’s time for meat-eaters around the world to stand up and slaughter animals by hand to preserve their meat-eating rights.

But yeah man, you’re my hero. Can’t wait for the Cleveland show. Oh yeah, and I totally agree, Greece sucks ass. You didn’t hide your displeasure very well. And you totally did DC the right way with Eden center and the other Arlington ethnic places. The NoVa ethnic is far superior in almost every foreign variety. I have no idea why it’s available on in-Demand right now, it’s supposed to air in 2 weeks according to Wikipedia.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Bourdain, I Love You

  1. yes all hail the bourdain… i always wanted to get into chefdom myself, but never really had the chops for being in the kitchen. i have have been following anthony bourdain for awhile now and agree he needs to pull an alaChappelle and dig in deep somewhere deep where paparazzos cant get to him like his roots in france.

    in regards to the whole slaughter your meat part, i agree whole-heartly, heck i have done it once (deer, not quite dead and i dove in & stabbed him in the neck) [sidebar: especially here where i am right now, there is alot of wild game, shoot dog in a delicacy in some parts], but if the bourdain were to do it and have it on cable TV, i think PETA would be trying to skin him alive and then wear him as a suit. but thats purely speculation.

    p.s. just started reading your blog and definitely have enjoyed most of what i read, this was the only post i had anything to say about.

  2. Bourdain is getting old real fast. I like the fact that he drinks and smokes like a champ. That sets him apart as being real among personalities who are shaped. DC Episode was completely commercial. I hang out at Ben’s and Bus Boy’s and it wasn’t worth the time they spent on it. Though it was cool to have Pelicanos on the show. But VA? It’s about DC there was much more content that could have been included.

  3. Disagree. All the best ethnic food spots (in other words, “best food spots”) in the DC area are in NoVa. All the DC working man’s restaurants have moved to MD or VA… or they’ve become the spectacle that is Ben’s Chili Bowl. There are good expensive restaurants in DC for sure, but that’s not Bourdain’s cup of tea.

  4. Dukem is just as authentic a choice as the one in Arlington. Not too partial to vietnamese food so cant say much there. Or Nova for that matter. In either case I think they should have done more research and based it solely on DC. Whats up with Chef Andres, I saw his book on top of the bar at Jaleos, is that one of his restaurants too.

  5. Anyone who goes to Greece and says”it sucks ass” obviously went to the tourist traps that can be found in any nation. Greece is absolutely wonderful, beautiful and historic. Let’s not mention that Bourdain only covered the Island of Crete and Zakynthos. Trust me that does not even touch the meaning or experience of going to Greece. I love Bourdain but he has a real Hard-on for Greece and Greeks. It must have to do with his First Cooking Job in a Greek Diner. Yes I agree that working for Greeks can be a real chore and a lesson in patience but c’mon now, that was lifetime ago. Let it go and move on. Remember Philosophy, democracy and much of civilization began there.

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