Beard for Barack


put some shades on and grow the sideburns until they connect

put the shades on and grow the sideburns until they connect, man, trust me



Many of you know that Barack likes to fashion himself, to an extent, after Abraham Lincoln who was famous for his no-moustache beard. Many of you might not know that Lincoln didn’t grow a beard until after he was elected in 1860. He grew it in the 4 months between the election and inaguration (which was on March 4th back then). 

There are many theories concerning why Lincoln grew it, but nobody knows for sure. There was a little girl who told him he would look better with a beard, and wives would convince their husbands to vote for him (women couldn’t vote remember). But it was more likely that Lincoln felt like he was “going to war”, and beards and facial hair were a popular battleground choice of both the Union and Confederate soldiers. Beards are manly.

Personally, I think he grew it because he was sick of Mary Todd’s bitching and he wanted to use the scruff to scratch up the soft parts on her body. There’s gotta to be a word for that, let me know if you know what it is.

By my count, Barack has 10 weeks. This is plenty of time for him to shred those pretty-boy looks that got him elected and get tough with some man hair. And, in all seriousness, it would probably take him almost all of that time to grow it. 

Fuckin A, times are tough and it’s time to get tough. It’s time to bring the beard back to the White House (for the first time since Benjamin Harrison famously maneuvered himself in between two Grover Cleveland presidencies. Here’s the beard type chart. I think his best options (in order) are the Chin Curtain, the Proper Goatee (no moustache), and the Hollywoodian. He has to avoid the moustache at all costs.



Filed under Current Events

6 responses to “Beard for Barack

  1. Pingback: Fashion News » Blog Archive » Beard for Barack

  2. rob

    i think he needs a Franz Josef personally.

  3. Just a modest Dali will probably look good on him. A beard points down somehow, like an icicle. Barack is a positive an lively guy, and the Dali is cheerfully spiralling upwards in a well balanced way.

  4. Nice blog you’ve got here I loved this article…awesome.


  5. i didnt know obama smoked what a big surprise what kind of example is he sending to the younger kids is he trying to say that smoking is alright he is not that good of a role model if he is setting that example my kids wanted to be just like obama but im gonna tell them not to cause smoking is wrong and every time i see a cigarette i call it a death stick because thats what they are they make you die quicker and if obama cared at all about his familt then he would stop smoking even if there not smoking there getting second hand smoke and thats a bit worse than doing it your self so mr obama i recommend you stop unless you wanna die quicker than the rest of your family

  6. lol i just left a huge message i also wrote what alexa wrote he he he he he he he he he he he he heh hh hhehe heh ehe he he e he he he he he he he he he ehehe heh he he he he he he he ee he he he he he hehe he he ehe he he he he he h e he he he he hehe gag gag gag gag aggag gag gag gag gag gaga a agga gga gag gag gag he he h he he he he eh eh he he h he he he ha ha ha haha haha ha a ha ha ah ahaa haha ha ha h h aha aha ha haha h aahaha aha ahahaah a aka your daugters are fine he he he heh eh eheh hehh eh h ehhh sike ther ugly no offense there just not my type he he he eh he he ehe hehe hehe hehe he gag gag gag g agagaggagag gag gag gag gag gag gag this one is even longer than the other one gagg gag gag ga ggagag gag gag hehehh eee eheheh hehehe hehehe heheheh hanha hahahaha hahahaha ahahaha hehehheheheh gagagaga ga gagaghe heheheheh haHAH HAH WELL THATS IT YEAH YEAH I LIKE TACOS he he hehehehehehhahahahahahgagagagagagagagag

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