Many of you know that Barack likes to fashion himself, to an extent, after Abraham Lincoln who was famous for his no-moustache beard. Many of you might not know that Lincoln didn’t grow a beard until after he was elected in 1860. He grew it in the 4 months between the election and inaguration (which was on March 4th back then).
There are many theories concerning why Lincoln grew it, but nobody knows for sure. There was a little girl who told him he would look better with a beard, and wives would convince their husbands to vote for him (women couldn’t vote remember). But it was more likely that Lincoln felt like he was “going to war”, and beards and facial hair were a popular battleground choice of both the Union and Confederate soldiers. Beards are manly.
Personally, I think he grew it because he was sick of Mary Todd’s bitching and he wanted to use the scruff to scratch up the soft parts on her body. There’s gotta to be a word for that, let me know if you know what it is.
By my count, Barack has 10 weeks. This is plenty of time for him to shred those pretty-boy looks that got him elected and get tough with some man hair. And, in all seriousness, it would probably take him almost all of that time to grow it.
Fuckin A, times are tough and it’s time to get tough. It’s time to bring the beard back to the White House (for the first time since Benjamin Harrison famously maneuvered himself in between two Grover Cleveland presidencies. Here’s the beard type chart. I think his best options (in order) are the Chin Curtain, the Proper Goatee (no moustache), and the Hollywoodian. He has to avoid the moustache at all costs.