Family Matters

I was thinking about it, more accurately I was dreaming about it, last night: I learned most (if not all) of my life principles from watching Family Matters as a child. Everything I ever needed to learn in life, I learned from Carl, Steve, Laura, and to a lesser extent Eddie. Let’s analyze the show with cutting edge scientific analysis.

Lesson 1: In the end, one way or another, the geek gets the girl

Steve Urkel: [last lines of the series] Do I get a welcome home kiss?
Laura: On one condition.
Steve Urkel: What’s that.
Laura: That you’ll never go into outer space again
Steve Urkel: Only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss
[they passionately kiss]

The moral: Never worry. Have patience.

Lesson 2: Embrace change, it’s the only thing that will get you anywhere.

Carl: I think we can all agree that there’s nothing more exciting than change

The moral: Oh Carl, always the voice of reason. Clearly superior to Uncle Phil in every way. I think Uncle Phil was a fraud anyway, I never saw him at work. Was he even a good judge? That was all hearsay as far as I’m concerned. Carl was a working man, I saw him in his uniform. I trust Carl. Anyway, the moral is obviously: don’t be afraid of change.

Lesson 3: Always see the big picture

Eddie: Dad you embarrassed me in front of my friends.
Carl: Well, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of a guy named Weasel.

The moral: Eddie, listen to your father! Don’t you see the big picture? Don’t get caught up in the everyday, Eddie. To be fair, Eddie preached the ‘it’s ok to be girl-crazy’ gospel which contrasted with his small picture flaws.

Lesson 4: Never question your self-confidence

Laura: Well, Steve, I’ve been trying to convince Waldo that girls find him attractive. I couldn’t turn right around and refuse to go out with him.
Steve Urkel: Oh, why not? You refuse to go out with me for the last decade!
Laura: Well, that’s because you have self-confidence. I can turn you down without destroying your ego.
Steve Urkel: Well, isn’t that just a FIIIINE kettle of fish? I’m getting penalized because I’m emotionally stable!

The moral: This always gets the girl. See lesson 1. Also, the picture is of Kanye West. That seems strangely appropriate.

Lesson 5: Girls hide it when they really like guys

Laura: I guess I could call Steve Urkel.
[pause]
Laura: Did I say that?

The moral: Oh Laura, you wanted him FROM DAY 1, and EVERYBODY KNEW IT.

Lesson 6:There are hot chicks who will want you for being yourself and not apologizing for it

Myra Monkhouse: You listen to me, Miss Laura. I love Steve Urkel. He is the hot fudge on my sundae… And let me tell you something, honey. Nobody steals my dessert… I tried to be nice, and you stabbed me in the back. Strap on your howitzer, missy. From now on, it’s war.

The moral: Be yourself.

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Lesson 7:  If you ever see me doing that character again, put a bullet in my head and take me out of my misery.
– Jaleel White, on never wanting to play an Urkel-like character again

 The moral: Uh oh, this doesn’t fit. Better end this here.