February 7, 2008...8:35 pm
Chicks With Short Hair
Holy shit, nothing makes a girl more instantly unattractive than having short hair. Out of the 15-20 girls who I saw before and after getting a short haircut, approximately 0% of them looked better with short hair. Actually, exactly 0% of them looked better with short hair. It sucks, and it should be outlawed from this country.
Since the DC Hero is all about action because he’s had enough of the dialogue, let’s move on from the discussion about whether or not girls should have short hair, agree that they shouldn’t, and think about how we can reverse this disturbing phenomenon.
I propose blatant discrimination of all girls under the age of 30 who are not married and have hair shorter than ’shoulder-length’. Exceptions will be made in extraordinary circumstances. If you feel you qualify for such an exception, send an email with a picture to helpmehero at gmail dot com and, if prompted, be prepared to show up in person at my Arlington headquarters on the Sunday following your email for an inspection. A passed inspection will exempt you for a year. 2 years if you ‘ace’ it.
Now what happens if you have hair shorter than the discriminatory length and you don’t have an exception? I have an army of Mexicans working at almost every restaurant in the greater Washington metro area. They are equipped with castor oil vials that they are currently testing on the fat people I’m trying to get rid of. (Yeah, fatty, eat those mashed potatoes. You’ll regret you ever ate anything 2 hours from now.) You could go to a restaurant where no Mexicans work in the back. Good luck with that one. I’ll sick them on you like skinny White boys on Asian girls.
There’s no worse feeling than chronic diarrhea. I almost wish that being forced to take diarrhea-inducing medication was a sentence for a crime, or used in conjunction with a jail sentence. I mean, what crime would be equivalent to being on the john for 8 hours a day with chronic diarrhea for something like 3 years? Man, that’s disgusting. Too bad for you that I don’t read or edit this stuff before I post it.
22 Comments
February 7, 2008 at 11:13 pm
that started out good but then went way off topic. help yourself hero.
February 8, 2008 at 12:03 pm
i read this now, and in my weaker moments, i might agree with you ava. however, because this post satisfied reason #1 why i started this blog (to entertain myself), i don’t care. btw, my blog is still better than yours.
February 8, 2008 at 1:17 pm
oh hero,
so many possible topics. i’m just glad i was one of your inspirations for starting your blog. it’s clear your thoughts had to be shared with other bloggers and blog readers a like. and you just think your’s is better because you talk about things that interest you (girls and fat people); i’m sorry mine is a little deeper than that.
February 8, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Ava nothing is off topic when it ends in diarrhea (what an impossible word to spell). But now back to the original subject at hand: Nia Long Nia Long Nia Long
February 10, 2008 at 9:39 pm
i really like the last paragraph about diarrhea for some reason. i think i’ve gone totally insane. you’re a regular james joyce, dc hero.
February 11, 2008 at 1:24 am
“nothing is off topic if it ends in diarrhea”
quote of the century
February 11, 2008 at 1:40 pm
First, short hair is hot. Winona with short hair is like a million times better than Winona with long hair. When a chick truly has a hot face, all that extra hair just gets in the way, unless she needs it to camoflauge some big ears like Sarah Michelle Gellar.
And a good bout of diarrhea can be so cleansing. Not sure if it’s a good punishment.
February 11, 2008 at 2:35 pm
you suck. i have short hair and i think it is good. you are pretty much insulting your friend’s brothers’ girlfriend. nice going.
February 11, 2008 at 7:48 pm
how does winona look better with short hair? that doesn’t even make sense. have you seen her with long hair? she looks so much better.
February 13, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Nah, I firmly believe the hotter you are, the less you need long hair. When you’re a 7 or 8, I think that long hair is a great way to fool people into thinking you’re a strong 9, but for a genuine flawless beauty, that extra hair just gets in the way. Short hair screams confidence to me. When a woman is deathly afraid to cut off her hair, it signals she’s insecure about her face and can’t let it stand on its own and thinks her hair is the best part of her.
February 13, 2008 at 8:10 pm
oo good point about the confidence, but it’s still not very eye appealing
February 14, 2008 at 12:14 pm
It might look ok short, but it’s definitely better to pull/run-fingers-through long hair. No question really.
February 23, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I wholeheartly agree with this post. Most women( and by most I mean like 99%) look far worst with a short hairdo versus longer one. I’m defining short hairdo as anything under 3 inches. Ladies, if you can grow your hair long, than please do so. You will look far more attractive. Unless you want to look like a middle-aged soccer Mom or a 12 year old boy(depending on the size of your milkshake), don’t do it! Even the 1% of women who can pull off the “boy” cut pretty well, would still look better with longer hair….. Even Nia Long.
March 20, 2008 at 8:39 am
Just caught this post…hrm, I’m a short-haired lady (chin-length bob, usually). I’ve found that I get hit on about three times as often when my hair is short vs. when my hair is long.
Possible reasons?
1. Short hair is more flattering on me.
2. I’m more confident with short hair.
3. Long hair makes me look like I’m 14.
I’ll go for #3.
March 20, 2008 at 9:46 am
Shannon, sounds like you’ll have to keep making your hairstyles longer and longer as you get older, always a good youth-trick to have in your back pocket.
April 8, 2008 at 8:50 pm
I am also a chick with short hair.
But I like it. And dudes like it. And so do chicks.
Which is why I keep it short.
April 22, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Your itch, if not disgust, about their short haircut is their revenge and their pleasure. But mostly, it is an excellent means of partner selection.
Men like long and shiny hair, as well as long nails, for the reason that it is a clear indication of good health. Long hair shows that a woman has been on a healthy diet for a long time. No need to explain that men prefer to dump their sperm in a genetically superior woman.
Many bright women have enough of being a walking advertisement for their own genetic equipment. They want to force people, especially men, to regard them as human beings in stead of wombs on legs. Bright men will look through the absence of the hair-advertisement on the girl and will be able nontheless to judge wether she is healthy. Intelligent men care more about her actual wellbeing as a person than about her superficial health-signs (those signs being a promise of superior offspring and, more important, a status symbol to be seen with by their male competitors: having a beautiful woman makes one climb in rank and makes it thus more likely to get more healthy women in the future to dump sperm in).
Of course not every short-haired girl is conscious of this reason. There are even plenty of unintelligent women who cut their hair, mistakenly assuming that it is attractive somehow.
No. It is not. It is indeed not attractive. Not on a biological level. And it is exactly this one sided emphasis that men put on women as being ultimately biologically interesting creatures - and nothing else when it really comes down to it - that causes the resistance-movement of short haired women.
April 22, 2008 at 8:55 pm
I’ve had short hair since last semester, and in that time period I’ve been on more dates and gotten more compliments than I ever had.
I stand out, and I rock it. I wouldn’t go out with someone judgmental like some of you dudes anyway.
April 22, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Frankie, are you saying girls should cut their hair short to sort out which men like them for who they are? No man with options would put up with that shit. The men who would like them are the ones who can’t get hot chicks with long hair. Secretly, they’ll wish you had long hair so they could pull it during the oh-moments.
Cake, good for you. I’m assuming the short hair builds your confidence, which is attractive. I bet longer hair with the same swagger wouldn’t hurt, but then again, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
April 23, 2008 at 1:13 am
“Men with options” are the dumbest. They have let their intelligence sink to the most egotistic spot there is. As far as they are intelligent. For it requires intelligence to keep the brain function in the head. As an intelligent girl it’s best to make sure to keep those sad competing penises out of your way. What do they need their “options” for anyway? Do they need anybody to support them physically? Economically? Intellectually (forget this with the option man)?
The only support girls really want in the end is emotional support. And they’re not going to get it from “men with options”, who appear to have less and less options anyway because more and more women discover their own options and select for other qualities in men than muscles, IQ without EQ and economic status.
Didn’t I hear you say somewhere that you didn’t want to be a power-guy in a suit? Apparently what you meant deep down was: I can’t get to the candy, so I will pretend I don’t want the candy. A clear case of cognitive dissonance.
April 29, 2008 at 5:14 am
short-haired women should come on leashes, if only because no woman should lack an easily accessible part to grab and pull as they thrash around during sex.
i mean, would a ninja want a sword without a handle? that would be pretty stupid.
May 10, 2008 at 3:23 pm
The diarrhea thing was pretty funny, but some of you dudes need to seriously revamp your thinking. Some girls look good with short hair and some don’t, end of story.
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